Wide-On Of The Week: Brent Van Zant

Wide-On-noun-A slang term synonymous with it's male erectile tissue counterpart, also known as a hard-on.

Ex: "I have never heard of Brent Van Zant, but the moment I laid eyes on his pictures I knew I had this week's "Wide-On" feature."

Every week I poll friends, neighbors, co-workers, and complete strangers for ideas for my weekly feature of some gorgeous man meat, and every week I turn down the completely lame ones that I get.


If you notice, with the exception of Cam Gigendet, I have never chosen to ride the Google ratings wave of obvious male eye candy, i.e. the cast of "Twilight" or "New Moon". Yes, I would get lots of hits from featuring it's two main male stars, but here is my reasoning.


Robert Pattinson looks exactly like your very best gay guy friend ever. He is so hot, but as a woman I don't want to do him. I do want him to come over and help me dress myself for parties and redecorate my living room though. I want him to go have cocktails with me and make hilariously clever and cutting remarks about everyone else in the room behind their back and make me laugh my Absolut martini right out of my nose. He is so A-list that I would be the highest status fag hag in the room with him at my side and all the other fruit flys would hate me because I would be literally basking in his reflected glory, which may just be actually some of the Guerlain bronzer he dusted over my cheeks right before we got out of the car because I needed a little more glitz.



Taylor Lautner is seriously hot, but he is like all of fifteen or sixteen. I have a child this age, so it's hard for me to look at him and get hot and bothered as that would make me a pedophile. Plus, when I look at boys that age, I think one thing and one thing only: horrifically dirty and smelly room, and that is a complete turn off. I think I may wait a few years for him to ripen just a bit more and perhaps move out of his parent's home before I start obviously drooling over him.



Truthfully, if I had to do anyone from the "Twilight/New Moon" cast, it would probably be Kristen Stewart. Now she's actually hot, especially as Joan Jett in the upcoming movie "The Runaways."



So enjoy what I found on Brent. He's a model/actor that is largely unknown unless you read 'Men's Health" or other fitness magazines, or cruise gay sites for hot men like I do. After a long week at work I was really looking forward to seeing men in tight underwear for inspiration to kick off my weekend. I hope you all feel the same way.

Oh yes. I feel better already.

It Doesn't Get Better Than This

What can I say? Lady Gaga, Beyonce, fashion, fabulous lipstick and nails.

Love it.

Wide-On Of The Week: Nick Lachey

Wide-On: noun. A slang term synonymous with "hard-on". Indicates a state of sexual arousal in females.

Ex: Why didn't hot guys like this offer me rides in their pick up trucks during my hitchhiking days? What a total wide-on he gives me!


Thank you anonymous reader for suggesting Nick. I wouldn't have thought of him, but after cruising pictures of him, I was actually impressed. On the scale of "Would I randomly blow him?" that runs through my head when I look at men, he came up a solid seven on my scale from 1-10. That's not too bad. I suspect he's probably a little light in the intellect department, but what's that have to do with spontaneous fellatio anyway?

Enjoy the other pictures I found of him. Gotta love the tattoos, they do give him that sort of bad boy vibe that is always good.

Keep sending those suggestions in. I won't publish your name unless you want it, I'm all about the anonymous!

Enjoy your weekend!

Lisa

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down: More Scarves For Spring

It's back and more fun than ever. Yes, it's the big over sized head bow scarf that women of a certain age (like mine) wore everywhere in 1984 or '85. You know it's hard for me to keep up with my old fashion passions, I've lost way too many brain cells over the years to remember anything but the really big fashion trends, like say the nude lip of the '90's.

But shopping last weekend for new Spring accessories brought back lots of lost and/or repressed memories of my club girl years. Big bows, feathers, sequins, scarves, and this fabulous little mini-hat thingy have been added to my hair accessory drawer. I even bought a really hard core hairspray to keep everything in place, and I can't remember the last time I wore hair spray.

That's a lie. It was in the '80's. Paul Mitchell's Freeze and Shine, the indestructible watermelon scented lacquer that held those awful hair don'ts in an upright position for days. You could pass out cold in a bathroom, car, parking lot, stranger's bedroom, city park, or other nefarious locations, and wake up without a hair out of place. Your purse, panties, or favorite shoes might be gone, but your bangs would still rise like the North East Ridge of K-2 from your forehead.

Anyway, I pawed through my storehouse of discarded accessories earlier this week to find more of my favorite scarves to tie on this spring and started googling different ways of arraying myself in them. I walk a fine line when wearing a scarf, the line between looking fashionable and looking like some one's babushka wrapped bubbe from the old country.


Here are some especially cute looks I found:

I love Missoni prints like this one. Or Pucci. Especially with the whole floral thing going on this Spring. I don't normally wear floral prints, with the exception of Lilly's, but these scarf inspired Prada shoes caught my eye also:
Or these way more affordable ones from Bebe:

These have me written all over them. So much that I may have to drive to my nearest Bebe in Gainesville to acquire them. I have the perfect one shouldered red, ruffled top to wear with them already.



I also found some cute scarf bows on another site, Universal Doll.

Universal Doll is a really great Japanese fashion blog. I don't know where she gets her pictures, but they are always fun.

So have a little fun this Spring with scarves. They are cheap for those of us that are unemployed or underemployed. I may even check Goodwill to see if there are any interesting ones there. Some of the best scarves I have ever found have been in the bottom of a thrift store bin.

For those reader that have emailed me about posting more pictures of myself on here in some of my goodies, I am trying. I have never mastered the art of the self portrait, and by the time my gifted photographer son gets home, I'm usually in pajamas. I've never figured out how she does it, but my favorite fashion blog of all is Karla's Closet.

I can only assume she has wonderful friends that follow her around and photograph her looking glamorous, but that's the blog I go to for fashion inspiration. She is amazing and seems to have an unending supply of incredible clothes, shoes, handbags, and jewelry. And here's the best part, now you can SHOP her closet. She is selling clothes she doesn't wear anymore on her site, which gives me the same great idea. Sometimes I buy something wonderful and wear it like once. Or never. I hate to just give good clothes to thrift stores and am too lazy to post on Ebay (though not too lazy to shop on it). What a great idea! Thank you Karla for once again having the best fashion blog ever!

If nothing else you can use your new Spring scarf to blow your nose in because of allergies. Everyone around me is sneezing and weaving around in an pollen induced fog, so all these scarves have to be good for something.

Now go be fabulous!

Wide-On Of The Week: Josh Holloway

Wide-On (noun or verb). A slang term denoting the physical manifestation of female physical desires.

Ex: I would so get a wide-on if I were stuck on an island with Josh Holloway.


I have watched the program "Lost" occasionally over the years and not actually noticed this guy until the other day when I was idly flipping through a fashion magazine and saw him in the "Cool Water" cologne ad. Needless to say I was hooked. He has everything I look for in a man; light eyes, blond hair, bad boy attitude, and half naked.


Okay, so I'm easy to please. Or just easy. Yes, I did try to find pictures of him sans culottes, but like most famous people, his p.r. people have scrubbed the web of them.

So enjoy what I did find.





Nothing hotter than a sweaty, hot man working on something. He is probably cutting a big piece of obviously cured bamboo to make a really awesome piece of furniture for us to have sweaty,hot, spontaneous, only happening in my own head sex on.

I can live with that. It's not like I have other choices anyway.

Have a great weekend, and keep sending those suggestions in or you will have to keep looking at my idea of hot men.

The Trophy Wife Triathalon

So yesterday was my spa day, also known as my day off to attend to the exhaustive business of grooming myself. One of the sad things about Valdosta is that we have no actual hammam here, which is a wonderful sort of Middle Eastern spa where they scrub the bejesus out of your skin until you bleed, remove every speck of offensive body hair still existing afterward, massage you with exotic oils, and then feed you tea and a restorative hookah pipe before sending you back to your husband all smooth and beautiful. However we do offer every other sort of service, so I just had to make do.


First there is always the issue of body hair. We have two places that do actual below the waist waxing here; Anthony & Company Day Spa, and the one I work at, Lemongrass Day Spa. Needless to say my experience months ago at Anthony's was awful, the spa is nice, but the waxer needs training in how to actually remove hair. For $85.00 plus a huge tip, I shouldn't have had to go home and finish the job. But I could not bring myself to lay on the dirty sheets she had on the table a moment longer. Lemongrass also offers a Brazilian wax, but here is the problem: I work with these folks. Enough said. Would you let a co-worker do this to you? So I DIY'ed my post winter foliage the best I could and will set up an appointment in Tallahassee for the next time.


Next to hair. Though I wasn't impressed with the waxing at Anthony's , their hairdressers are wonderful and I have gone to Jan Brasher for a while. We decided to go a little different that morning, so I gave her my ideas. I personally loved Christina Aguilera's old short bangs that everyone made fun of so much. So that's what we did, as well as going a bit redder in the highlight area. Here's a picture, though I cannot promise today when I do my own hair it will look like this:

Obviously that is not me, despite the nose piercing. Hopefully I will be able to do this style later or I'm going to end up looking like a five year old that got a hold of some safety scissors, which is actually what I do look like when I cut my own bangs. Did I ever mention I'm a cutter before? There should be a 911 for home hair cutters to reach out to trained stylists that could council you to put down the scissors before you hurt yourself. So the first leg of the triathalon was over by 10 am. and I raced up the road to Dr. Moore's House of Beauty, aka Azalea Center for Plastic Surgery.

Kelly worked on my Silk Peel next. This was my second one, so let me explain a silk peel. A silk peel is like a basic microdermabrasion, but after they have gently sanded off your old cruddy skin the esthetician infuses your skin with micro-nutrients blended just for your skin type, whether you need extra moisture, or in my case brightening. I tend to get dull, muddy skin because of the excessive oil I suffer from, so I get a lot of cellular debris build up on my face. I normally do this every two weeks, but with the economy the way it is I have had to go to every three weeks. I am still using Obagi products, but the salon I work at uses primarily Repechage,
so be looking for new posts on their products as I begin testing them out.

Next and final leg of the race was to the manicure and pedicure portion of the day. I've been with my nail artist Kim for two years now and would follow her to hell if she relocated her business there. Luckily she hasn't moved that far yet, but is at Bebe Nails on Bemiss road. Bemiss road is sort of like hell at 7 a.m. and 5 a.m, it's the closest thing we have in Valdosta to Atlanta traffic, so note not to be around the area if you have to at these times. The salon is new and gorgeous, plus the owner Michael can do fantastic card tricks, as he showed us yesterday. I did mention I was OVER black nail polish, even though it keeps cropping up in all my Spring fashion guides. I did a really fun and bright OPI red, " A Oui Bit of Red" as I am going for a more pin-up girl look this Spring and doing a bright red lip as well.

After all of this pampering, I had a water and protein bar to tide me over for the gym. Then it was off to the doctor for our monthly fashion chat, I get caught up in the new magazines while I wait in the examination room. I managed to lose seven pounds this month, and that always makes me happy, so I ate another protein bar in celebration. After a few hours at the gym, it was back to the house for a huge class of wine and a good night's sleep.

Next mission: The new Spring fragrance. I'm in the market and nothing is hitting me right yet. I'm trolling the perfume blogs and ordering samples this week, so this could take a while.

She's Back And Shallower Than Ever

Here is a huge thank you to everyone that has emailed to see where the hell I have been the last say....six months or so since my last blog post.

I did not fashionably expire or any other dramatic story. Time just sometimes slips away when you start new projects and everyday I would think about my blog and writing a post, then I would move on to the next task at hand. I wrote down ideas for future blogs, dreamed about posts, even sat here and watched the cursor blink in an attempt to get started again. But nothing would come out. Let me catch you up on what I have been up to for my missing half year.

In October, my intrepid spouse finally returned home after accepting a job at Moody AFB. This was a huge and unexpected surprise, one that brought great joy and relief to our family. Though we took a hit in the paycheck department, we knew we could adjust and become a family again finally after a two year separation. Getting to know each other has been challenging in many ways, sometimes good and sometimes not so good. My husband describes it this way; he feels like he's just woken up from a coma and the entire world has moved forward without him. And that about sums it up. He's walked into a world of television shows he's never seen, music he's never heard, cultural references that make no sense, a grown up stepson, and a nose pierced (among other piercings), tattooed wife who is going through a second adolescence. We are taking baby steps to get him back into this world. Yesterday I took him to Tallahassee and tried to explain Gucci Main, Plies, and 2010 Spring fashion trends to him. He did really well on our marathon mall run and even helped pick out really cute clothes, showing just how much he learned just on the trip there.

I started school again in September. The big field to go into now is anything with health care, so I found an eighteen month program to certify in Health Information Management--whatever the fuck that is. I always go large, so I signed up for three classes immediately. I had forgotten how fast school moves and my aging brain had to learn to study again. Specifically medical terminology and human diseases. Just two of the classes took up several hours a day of hair pulling and index card writing. This quarter I took the more sane route and took two much more manageable online classes.

I even started working again. Outside the home. A real job, with pantyhose and all.

At a bail bonding company located in one of the more obviously economically challenged areas of Valdosta. I should have realized that something was wrong when I had to point out the misspelled words on some of the legal forms they give to their "clients" during my interview. The exceptionally verbose,pompous,and rigidly OCD company owner had managed to miss all of those little details.

Why did I not get a clue then??

My first day was spent learning how to position things on my desk. Your tape roll went here, your paper clips there, your legal pad centered perfectly between them. I'm scary neat enough, but this was a bit much even for me. You were assigned a pen with your desk number taped to it. This was YOUR pen and the only one you could use until it ran out. Then you turned it in and you would be assigned a new black ink pen.

Oh, and then there was the dress code. Simple enough, I know how to dress professionally and have a "work" wardrobe filled with little Talbots and Ann Taylor pieces. However, I still had to listen to the lecture about not wearing anything close fitting or that drew attention to my body because....

"The owner was just a man and couldn't help himself or his urges."

On the third day,(yes, I actually came back after the first and second because I'm an idiot) I was given a lecture by my aforementioned, potentially ass grabbing boss about becoming a "Woman of Humility" and assigned the fascinating task of reading their "Employee Manuel" all day.

I gleefully amused myself imagining the vicious and spiteful editing work I could have done on it. Besides the misspelled words, whoever wrote this classic tome of employment wisdom had little to no grasp of how to write a basic and coherent sentence.

On the fourth day, I wrote them an extremely polite, grammatically correct resignation notice and flounced my tastefully dressed ass out of there.

So another month passed and I decided again to just let fate take it's course and flow with my destiny, instead of trying to force things to happen.

Which landed me in my present position of working in a glamorous and fabulous day spa. Yes, the mothership called me home. The only challenge I have now is to actually walk out with a paycheck and not owe them money every week.

This made me realize I HAD to start the blog up again and quit procrastinating. Now I just soak in beauty all day...beauty treatments, beautiful people coming in, beautiful co-workers, beautiful environment. My husband follows me around the house smelling me when I come home because I have absorbed the scent of the candles we use -Seda, by the way--and all the lotion I have rubbed on my hands during the day. Since it is part time, I still have time for all the other segments of my life.

If you come to Valdosta, make sure you come see me at The Lemongrass Day Spa and I'll show you around.

So I am back. Still beauty obsessed and shallow, and bitchy as ever. Probably bitchier because of all the hormone replacement therapy I'm now on. But that is a topic for a future post. I'm researching nail trends for Spring 2010 now because I am so over black nail polish. Every soccer mom in town has it, which means it's time to exit that particular fashion bus.

It also means I have to start cruising gay porn again for naked pictures of hot guys to feature on Friday's posts.

God my life is hard. Thanks to readers that have sent me suggestions though, I will get started on that research right away.

So a big kiss to you all ( in MAC Hush, Hush Rose) and yes, it's good to be back.