I'll Be The One With The Hickies...

When was the last time you had a hickey anyway? Hopefully it was around sixth or seventh grade, and you were smart enough to walk around in a scarf until it healed up. If it was last week, then you need to comment so that I can offer serious cover up advise privately. I thought about hickies for the first time in about thirty years because:

• The girl who rang my book order at Books-A-Million had a huge one in the front of her neck. I can only assume she was proud of it as she was a rather plain looking wench and it was proof she could get a lover.

and

• I had a second fractional resurfacing treatment yesterday, and we did my neck as well. On the way home I glanced in my mirror, only to see that my neck looked to be covered with a multitude of hickies. Sadly everyone in traffic could see this as well, and two rednecks in a truck showed a tremendous amount of interest in attempting to catch my eye while waiting for the extremely long light to change. Normally I give strange men at lights a flirtatious, yet unavailable look. However I maintained an icy unapproachability yesterday; which is difficult when one looks to be covered with trashy love bites.

Ahhhhhhh. What one does in the pursuit of beauty. I did go home and take a Benadryl immediately to take down the swelling and redness post haste. Hopefully the red patches will not reappear this afternoon while I am at the gym. That has been the only drawback to laser resurfacing, for about a week I have phantom red blotches appear when I am exerting myself. Other than that my skin looks incredible. Not only are the pores invisible, which is amazing in itself since you could see them from several feet away, but my skin is as tight as it was in my twenties. We went under the neck yesterday to tighten up the "waddle" thing that is forming directly under my chin. Friends tell me they can't see it, but you know women do tend to lie to each other over these things. My jaw does look firmer today and I have notices that the cliff forming between my cheek and eye socket is not as pronounced either. I don't have filler under my eyes yet, note yet, but I am considering it. Another ugly fact about aging: fat moves around. The fat in my under eye area (that used to make it smooth and line free) has migrated south and settled on my upper cheek. At least it's not in a big pouch. I noticed pronounced eye pouches on a woman in my book club Monday and briefly wondered why the hell anyone would keep these with all the help available these days. Mine seems to have made a comma shaped ridge around each eye, but that is not noticeable this morning.

I have to tell you, if you are in the Valdosta area or anywhere close by, this is the town to go to for procedures. While doing research for fractional resurfacing, I found the average charge for a session to be $1000 to $800 each time. Since you need 4-6 treatments total, spaced at one month intervals this can be a bit pricey. Here it is $200 a treatment, and I had two free ones since I purchased the full sized Obagi kit. When I was pricing breast augmentation a few years ago I found the same thing. Doctors in Atlanta and Jacksonville were charging $8000, plus anesthesia and operating room costs. I did mine here for $3600 and my doctor has an outpatient operating suite. Plus, she is the best and they are absolutely perfect.

I also purchased some Jane Iredale products yesterday. I had not tried these before, but have been reading about them for years. I love my new pure powder mineral foundation! I used it last night when I had to drive back into town to pick up the Teenager from Driver's Ed and it did a great job covering up the red blotchies on my face and neck. I also bought a product called Absence, which is a primer for oily skin. I normally use Smashbox and love it, but it doesn't control my oil as well as I would like. I have seriously oily skin, which I should love as I have few if any lines in my face because of it. However, it's hard to look pretty when your face looks like it's covered in Vaseline all the time. You can always find me easily in a group picture, I'm the shiny one. I never leave the house without oil blotting papers in my purse and can go through a pack in about a week. I used to use a product called Clinac-O.C., but that didn't work at all for me. All of you with oily skin know that after an hour or two, your foundation or powder turns orangy and gets those gross oily clumps in it. The Clinac O.C seemed to help the oil clump up into little balls of greasy foundation that then flaked off everywhere. Some people love it and it seems to work for them, however I cannot say the same. I can't wait to test drive the Absence today to see if it works better.

I am happy with color of foundation that was matched up for me too. I have found over the years that I always get matched with yellow based foundations which make me look even more sallow than I already am. By January and February my skin becomes a shade called "chicken yellow". If you have darker skin, you know exactly the shade I'm talking about. Having done so much damage over the years to my skin by not wearing sunscreen, I don't dare go to a tanning bed ever again. I used to deal with my winter color by hitting up the tanning bed once or twice, that's all it took to give me a little more brown in my skin so that I didn't look so washed out. I guess I'll be spray tanning from here on out, though I hate the way it gets all over the sheets. However the new color seems to make me look a lot less sallow. I'm using "Riviera" in the PurePressed mineral powder foundation and it is a cooler color without the added yellow underbase. If you get a chance go to the Jane Iredale site: http://www.janeiredale.com/ and play around with the foundations. They have models you can try foundation shades on. However I still would let a professional pick out the right color. I did play on the site, but the closest model to my skin tone was the East Indian looking one and she's not quite as yellow as I am.

Aside from that it has been a boring beauty week. I have not sat down to watch the London Fashion Week shows which is inexcusable I know. I do promise to do that this weekend and start to plan my wardrobe for next weekend's trip to Atlanta. I am off to the Spring Book Show and you know there will be shopping done. The Teenager's birthday is Monday and clothes mad boy that he is I though we would stop by Lenox for a little post birthday wardrobing at Urban Outfitters. I bought him the Rayban Clubmaster sunglasses he wanted and they arrived yesterday. I did resist the urge to wear them myself, they are awfully cute.

Have yourself a pretty Friday!

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Having A Hair Affair

I am loving my new Liquid Keratin enhanced hair! A few posts ago I mentioned I had ordered the new alternative to Brazilian straightening treatment product from Ulta. My hair was greasy feeling for the required 48 hours you go before washing it, but then was wonderful afterward. I do like the shampoo and conditioner that comes with the starter kit, as well as the spray conditioner you use before you dry your hair.



Is my hair straight? No, but all the frizziness is gone. It feels silky and is much shinier than it normally is. It's sort of wavy and has tons of body. When I blow dry my hair, I have to divide it into thin sections and pull it straight with a huge round brush. Those little paddle brushes don't hold my hair very well; the round brush allows me to put enough tension on my hair to smooth it out. Before, when I released it from the brush, my hair would just sort of flop down in a flat section. Now it bounces and forms a pretty wave. Better yet, it looks nice the next day too, even if I sleep with my hair down. Normally I wrap my hair at night into a bun or ponytail to keep it from knotting up into crazy person hair, so it's nice to be able to let it go and wake up looking like a normal person.



When not stroking my newly softened hair, I decided to start looking for new hair styles. What's hot for 2009? I still don't really know. I have spent hours now reading different articles, blogs, hair sites, ect. and the only thing I really got out of it was a lot of vague hyperbole.



But what would fashion be without vague hyperbole?



So I figured I could add my own opinion to the mix so that I too could be an expert.



Economy drives everything, so look for hair to be simple. I haven't seen my hairdresser in months, not because I can't afford him, but since I'm growing my hair out. A few years ago my hair was down to the middle of my back and like all women I got tired of it. So I cut it into a chin-length bob and that was fun for about five minutes.



Then I saw a picture of Lisa Rinna with a cute, shaggy cut that my pea brain decided was sexy. So off I drove to the hair dresser. Who gave me the short version of the cut. Actually it looked a lot like that awful pixie my favorite muse, Victoria Beckham, is wearing right now. She cut my hair down to about two inches and then thinned it with a razor to make it look choppy.



Now remember I have a lot of skinny, yet frizzy hair and live in a sub-tropical climate. She made it look normal. I ended up growing out an ugly brown puff ball. Slowly and painfully. That was in 2006. My hair is now almost to my collar bone. I hope if I ever cut it that short again I remember to read this post. I do have a few pictures, but on the pain of severe embarrassment I will not share them.



I have seen a lot of pictures of very soft, simple hair this year. Lightly layered bobs that look like you could get out of the shower and just shake your hair into place. Maybe scrunch a little product into them and go. I love the hair in the Versace ads. Kate and Giselle have hair that looks so attainable, and I love the bright blonde color on Kate. She looks almost wholesome for once. I've found the best way to get this style for me is to get my hair almost dry, rub in a little Phyto Beauty Styling Creme in, and form huge pincurls. I then have to let it dry the rest of the way (I cheat and blow dry it a little), then run my fingers through it to make it look like it naturally is that neat. You know how much I love my Phyto products and if you've never tried them then you need to. Good products, from shampoo to styling, make a huge difference. Your hairdresser is not just trying to make a profit off of you. You use less of them as they are more concentrated, and your hair looks better. That's worth the cost right there. Phyto is sold at many salons and at Sephora. I love their stuff almost as much as my Philip B. products. I tend to cycle between the two.



Here's another way of looking at it. About a billion years ago I worked in the beauty industry. When clients were reticent about purchasing decent products, I would ask them this question: "If you had a very expensive cashmere sweater, would you wash it everyday in the shampoo you are currently using?" Well of course not! Then I would show them the correct amount of good product they needed for their hair, which was always way less than the cheap product.



Lecture over. Buy good products.



Another trend is the half up/half down updo. I think this looks great if your hairdresser does it. When I try it, I end up looking like Marisa Tomei did at the Oscars. She had on a fabulous dress and looked like half of her bobby pins fell out in the limo on the way over. Same with Jessica Biel, as you remember I referred to her look as fuck hair. Everyone else said greasy, workout hair, but you know I'm not one to mince words or worry about being polite. There is a difference between fuck hair and fucked up hair however. If you're not sure what it is then google Mickey Rourke's hair. I hope success brings him a wonderful hairdresser. Remember Jorge from Beauty Shop? Take note Mickey.

Then there's the dreadful pixie crop. I'll say it if no one else will, this is not a good look for Victoria Beckham. She looks like a pin head. I wish the magazines would quit shoving this ugly hairstyle at women. Halle Barry is the only woman I have ever seen that made this hairstyle look sexy. Ever.

I'll tell you who's going to love the new spring undone look. Men. That's right, scream all you want about how you do your hair like you like it, not how a man likes it. They are biologically programmed to like long hair, which is why some of us spend so much time growing and weaving hair. My husband cautiously complemented me on the fact that mine is growing out, probably because he's scared I'll cut it again.

I also tried to figure out what the hot color was and peroxide blonde is being thrown around quite a bit. Like Kate's hair, or Scarlett Johansson's was in "Vicky Christina Barcelona". I loved that color on her. However keeping up blonde hair, even if you are naturally blonde, is expensive.

Copper reds are big too. A friend of mine just went back red which really suits her. This is another tricky color though. This is one of those colors men either love or hate, no in between. I love red hair on women, but then again I don't date them. My friend and I debated this one, she is reading a book about dating that is advising her to go back blonde as it will expand the pool of men that would be potentially interested in her. However while she was blonde she wasn't bombarded with dates either.

I did notice an absence of obvious highlights. No more stripes of caramel, toffee, espresso, chocolate, dolce de leche, saffron, butter, ect. I can only assume since I don't actually eat any of those things that it is safe for me to indulge in calorie free highlights. I'm glad that fad is over. I actually like having one color of hair right now, it looks almost natural.

I've been buying fun hair accessories for my longer hair. I just bought these cute hairpins with feathers on them and a flower to dress up my pony tail a little. I saw some pretty feathered headbands at Forever 21, but haven't gotten them yet. I still have my Kim Kardashian bangs, so headbands make them stick up in a funny way.

That's my spring hair forecast. I'll continue to grow my mop out, one thing you can count on is that long hair is always in. I've never believed that nonsense about women cutting their hair when they get older. Short hair makes most women look older, I think wavy, longer hair is much more flattering as you age. Not that I age anyway.

Now run along and find a hairstyle,

Love and kisses,

Cult Diva

Best of Fall-New York 2009

Exhausting! Of course now the London shows start. Here's a grouping of my personal faves for autumn. Thankfully I will be in a cold enough climate to wear them in by then! Have a look:










About time for a little structure and style. I can't wait to shoe shop.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Somebody Please Save The Stylists!

Obviously the recession is taking it's toll everywhere; even the Academy Awards scaled down it's annual orgy of excess without losing too much in translation. However, I'm terribly concerned about all of the out of work stylists in Hollywood right now. I'll bet they were all at home last night wishing they could still afford cable so that they could watch some of their former clients DIY their Oscar evening looks.


This year seemed to be the year of Best vs. Worst dressed. You either looked fabulous or puzzlingly awful. I honestly wondered if some of the stars on my worst dressed list actually had mirrors at home, or just fawning acolytes.


And was there a shortage of Botox in Hollywood? I don't know if it's just high definition television, or has everyone gone off the juice. I saw many women younger than myself walking the red carpet with serious crow's feet. Are they in now? Damn it anyway, I just got my quarterly allowance of wrinkle poison. It's going to take months for me to get my crow's feet back now, and by that time they'll be out again.


Let's get started on some of the more hideous looks, shall we?

Now you know damn well I wasn't going to let this one go. Before last night I would have said you could put Beyonce in a sack and she would look hot. However I cannot for the life of me figure out why this gorgeous woman left the house wearing a dress made from the remnants of material her grandmama used to reupholster her couch. Did her mama whip this up before the awards and guilt trip baby girl into wearing it? Whyyyyyy? Beyonce was made to dress up and go to award shows, she always looks fierce. Here I just want to tip her on her side and sit on her. I wish that after her song and dance routine she had just kept on the red leotard, it looked better.

I think high definition television also made many of the women looked washed out in their dresses also. I could not help but notice all the white dresses on the white girls. Instead of flattering their complexions, it made them looked wan and ill. Many of the dresses were fabulous, just not on the women that wore them. Anne Hathaway fell into this category. Her Armani Prive dress was gorgeous, but drained all the color from her face. She looked positively tubercular.The bodice of the dress was poorly fitted as well, it stood out from her bony chest like sequined breast armor. Melissa George was another one. You have to be beautiful to wear a stark color and she's rather bland looking. Jessica Biel looked like she got out of the shower and wrapped a satin towel around herself. That big, bulky fold of fabric in the front was awkward and her hair....correct me if I am wrong, but that girl had fuck hair. Don't you just adore young love?

Evan Rachel Wood also chose an ivory color. She's so beautiful, I loved her makeup, hair, and fingernails. The dress was marvelous, but I felt the color didn't flatter her pale skin as much as a deeper color might have.

Penelope Cruz and Taraji Henson got it right. Both of them have the pigment to pull a white dress off. They looked glowing, not washed out. Penelope Cruz's vintage Balmain dress was exquisite, but the bodice was also badly fitted for her. I am curious why the waist was higher on this dress , it make her look fuller through the middle. Was it age, a light colored dress, or too much time at the tapas bar? Marissa Tomei also dazzled in her Versace. However the most awkward moment of the pre-show came when an interviewer from E! asked her where she had been all these years. Horribly long pause, then she finally stuttered out "I've been around." Then she kicked her train around and swept past him.

Jennifer Anniston looked very pretty in her Valentino silver frock. Say what you want, but she has class if nothing else. I do hope she does something soon with that chin though. Is it an implant? Whatever it is, it's frightening. Apparently date John Meyer joked that it took her three hours to get ready. He's an idiot, it probably took her three months. For God's sake she was facing off Angelina that night. I just wish she had done something different with her hair. Yes, she looks great for forty, but leave the sorority girl hair at home when you put on couture. Leslie Mann also chose silver and her fluid Pamella Roland sheath fitted her petite figure perfectly.

Why did all the cute, young girls wear ugly clothes? Help me here. Amanda Seyfried wore a dress that I swear looked exactly like a cheap bridesmaids rag. The big bow in the front made her look huge in the hips and was awkward looking with the tightly fitted top. I thought the color was harsh on her also. Vanessa Minillo looked like the world's youngest madam. I normally love Marchesa, what happened here? Why couldn't Beyonce have picked this dress? Tear off all that crap on the bodice and she would have just killed this one.

Miley Cyrus. Loooongg sigh here. Who dressed her? Dolly Parton? This is what happens when white trash gets money. Glitter, volume, and poof do not equal style or taste. Somebody needs to tell her a little bedtime cautionary tale about Britney Spears before it's too late.....

Natalie Portman and Alicia Keyes picked to die for pink gowns. Thank god for a different color and such a flattering one!

Freida Pinto also glowed in a fabulous blue violet asymmetrical Galliano frock. I thought the fit was perfect and I loved the subtle detailing. For once he let the design and structure speak without small town pageant queening it up with too much frou-frou.

Lots of red too, which I think flatters most complexions. Except for Amy Adams. The dress was great, the enormous collar of jewels were fabulous. Here's another dress Beyonce could have pulled off. Amy Adams normally looks exquisite, but this color completely overwhelmed her. It made her look aged and harsh. Heidi Klum also chose red,which does flatter her. However this dress looks like she gave her children some fabric and played "Project Runway" with them. It was an origami nightmare. Virginia Madsen pulled off the best red of the night in her slinky and understated asymmetrical dress.

Sarah Jessica Parker's dress was wonderful as always. When you are ugly, you have to dress to perfection and she always has. I wish the soft color had shown up better and I prefer her hair lighter. Her features are harsh and the light hair softens them. It was nice of her to bring her boobs with her too. I'm sure it gave husband Matthew Brodrick something to focus on while he was being ignored. But he's probably used to that anyway.

Another belle laide is the elegant Marion Cotillard. Her dress was also Dior. Loved the hair, loved the makeup. Someone should have snatched that necklace off of her though before she left her limo. It simply did not fit, it was much too casual. All the world's jewels available to borrow and she picks this.

Kate Winslet and Meryl Streep did not disappoint in their elegant smokey gray gowns. They both looked predictably glamorous as always. However, what happened to Reese Witherspoon? She normally always nails it, I don't think I have ever seen her in anything unattractive ever. Until last night. What a horrid dress! Who did that to her? Just because Jake played a gay man in a movie does not mean she needs to go to him for fashion advise. He was only acting.

You know I'm not going to wrap this up without mentioning Brad and Angie. They are so pretty they don't even really have to try anymore. I enjoyed watching Angie sitting in the audience with her Morticia dress. Of course she was smiling at poor Jennifer. She has her man, a bunch of babies, and those green with envy emerald ear bobs. Who wouldn't have a smug smile?

And of course there's Tilda Swinson. Thank God for her. You know no matter how bad you look, she looks worse. This year she looked like a spinster librarian--again.

Anyway the party ended for me around midnight. The cats are all sleeping in from all the catnip they ingested, naughty little sybarites that they are. Sleep tight little kitties.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

The Big O

Morning precious ones! Today is a big day and we have lots to do.

It's Oscar time! The red carpet show is beginning in approximately four hours and I am freaking as I just am not ready yet. I still need to run to the store to pick up my tiara and boa. Plus cat food. I think I will get the babies extra treats for the big show.

Can't wait to see all of you again tomorrow so we can dish over the hits and misses our favorites are flaunting this evening.

Now you run along and get prepared.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Good Hair Can Save Your Life

Hey All! I had no plans of posting today, but after watching this ABC News video I had to write something. In Kansas City a twenty year old woman was saved from being shot in the back of the head by her weave.

Seriously.

Her crazy boyfriend shot at her through her car window and the bullet managed to get caught up in the wig cap the tracks were attached to. She said she felt the heat of the bullet and later police were able to pick the mangled shell casing out of her hair.

When you are shot point blank in the back of the head and your weave stops the bullet you realize one thing; God is trying to tell you something.

Apparently good hair can now save your life. I've been saying that for years anyway. Remember when I brought my best friend back from the dead by making her touch my hair? If not, read my post "Forget Your Best Life; Get Your Best Hair" from January 2009.

Well she wasn't really dead dead. Just sedated on pain pills the nice hospital people gave her to take post surgery. My hair was incredible that day, and she really needed to be woken up anyway so that she could walk, suck ice chips, or do something useful.

I am going to attempt to get this video clip on here. I could use the Teenager's technical assistance right now. If I can't figure it out, please go to YouTube and search "Weave Saves Woman From Bullet." Here is a link to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE5Y3AJpL6g

I must go now. Fashion Week is not quite over yet, and I haven't watched all the show videos quite yet.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

No More Kinkiness Please..

I've always been a kinky sort of girl, but very closeted about it. However, if you went to my "Hair Styling" bathroom--that's right I groom in at least four of the rooms in my house--you could open the capacious drawers and peer into deep, dark cabinets that hide my shameful secret.


I have bad hair. Very bad. Everything in the hairstyling bathroom is marked either as a straightener, defrissant, humidity resistant, smoothing, anti-curl, relaxer, ect. During the holidays I chose to fly home and the nasty security people took away my large sizes of conditioner and defrissant that I had lovingly wrapped in Zip-Loc bags to place in my carry-on. In fact, the lovely brush cut sporting rather masculine woman told me I could throw them in the garbage or run several miles back to my car (okay, about 300 yards or so--I WAS in heels) and put them there. These were expensive and necessary products. She did ask me if they were a prescription because she obviously didn't need the ability to read French in her job and I was tempted to lie. Probably a good thing they weren't in Arabic; she probably would have cavity searched me. However after much attitude I gave in. Anymore hair tossing and you all could have watched me make a total ass of myself via YouTube.


"Crazed Valdosta Housewife Throws Tantrum Over Hair Products During Holiday Travel Season."


All the ugly people in line glared at me for delaying their travel experience.


Anyway, screw that bitch. I went to Sephora the day after the holiday and bought extra large sizes to bring back through that airport. In my suitcase. Always the rebel.


I have a whole head of fine, thick, frizzy/curly hair with parts that are straight. Schizophrenic hair that is never in fashion really though some of the models at Vivienne Westwood are given hair like mine by paid professionals.

This is not me, but instead a highly paid and underfed model who has been inexplicably crowned with a neater version of my unstyled locks. My hair is actually past my shoulders with proper styling, but shrinks to a wool sweater in the wash size if allowed to go au natural. So for years I have believed every product would be the magic one that gave me gorgeous silky locks that rippled in the breeze. That combs and brushes didn't break in or leave clots of hair all over the place. Hair that's all one texture and smoooooth.

I know you're probably wondering why no one has ever hooked me up with a relaxer before, but I've always been afraid that my multi-tonal hair would break off in itty bitty pieces even worse that it normally does. I've seen too many horror stories about what years of relaxing can do to your hair. Plus, with a lot of elbow and product, I can temporarily get my hair to go in one direction.

I've been reading about Japanese Thermal Straightening and Brazilian Straightening treatments and they too seem a little harsh (not to mention expensive, but I do believe you get what you pay for in hair), so I didn't want to try that either.

However I did get wind of a new product called Liquid Keratin that is supposed to give you smooth hair for at least a month. It's purported to be a gentle, formaldehyde free, protein based treatment that adds keratin to the hair to straighten it. Now I'm not one to argue with "scientific" hype that beauty companies use to draw you in, but their shtick is that curly/frizzy hair lacks keratin and by sealing the protein in with heat then keratin is bonded to the hair which then smooths out. If I am correct, I do believe that a strand of hair is made up of little overlapping scales of keratin protein. Everyone's hair, not just smooth hair.

But if bullshit in advertising ever stopped me then I would never have dated when I was younger either, so I got on Ulta.com and bought the starter set.

Which arrived promptly today.....ironically I had just washed and towel dried my hair and was ready to apply my new hair miracle.

First you towel dry your hair to damp and comb with a wide tooth comb to detangle it. Next you spray the straightening formula on small sections of hair; then comb it through with a fine comb to make sure all strands get an equal coat. Wait thirty minutes, then section hair again and blow it out straight. Last you will go over all those fine little sections with your flat iron. Done.

Don't wash your hair for two days; then wash with the shampoo and conditioner they provide. Your hair should stay smooth for at least a month.

My hair is silky smooth now, but oily and separated. Luckily I get to do my work in the privacy of my own home so no one will see me for the next two days. It looks shiny and healthy and better than that I think it stretched it out at least an inch and a half. There seems to be no smell to the protein chemical, my hair smells like the shampoo I used. The kit comes with a shampoo, and two types of conditioner; a rinse out and a leave in. You use both, which I do anyway.

I did look before I purchased to see if there were any bad stories on this product, and I have not found any to date. I'm excited to see it a few days from now, I hope it doesn't break off in the tub and leave me hairless. If so, check YouTube for the new video:

"Angry, Bald Headed, Valdosta Housewife Goes On A Rampage"

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Are You There Karl? It's me, Cult Diva

Behind every successful man stands a fabulous woman.

Behind every fabulous woman stands a whole group of gay men that helped her achieve her look.

Somewhere out there exists an alternate universe where gay men and the fag hags who love them are able to marry, dress fabulously, and live graciously together in their gorgeously decorated homes. My gay soul mate is actually Karl Lagerfeld, but trying to convince him of this has been a bit trying. He keeps threatening me with restraining orders, yet I'm undeterred. That bitch can play hard to get all she wants, but I know deep in my shallow little soul we are meant to be together.

Take a look at all we have in common and decide for yourself:

We both dislike the scent of cooking food. Anywhere and under any circumstance. I don't like to walk into restaurants or homes and smell food. People who cook in their homes often reek of food smell too, have you ever noticed? I am so attuned to this that I can tell if you have actually eaten that day. Why spend all that money on expensive scent and then ruin it by ingesting food?

Neither of us care for children. I have one that I do like, but I can't imagine liking any others so I quit after him. Plus childbirth is not good for the figure. Couture only works if you are a size 4 or less.

I, like Karl, think that classifying anorexia as a disease is a bit harsh. Some people simply have more discipline than others.

Bulimia on the other hand is trashy. You should only use the restroom to look at yourself when you get bored with uninspired conversation or are forced to look at pictures of people's children or pets. Going to the powder room is much more polite than yawning. Yawning is unattractive; it makes one look vapid.

And vapid is only pretty on ridiculously attractive young men.

I think everyone should wear sunglasses all the time just like Karl does. I also tune people out when they bore me and sunglasses eradicate that glazed look I inevitably have when I'm not really listening. I can't spend all my time in the powder room, someone would start an unkind rumor that I have bulimia.

We can't work around ugliness. If my surroundings are not pretty I simply cannot focus. This includes co-workers. I love hiring employees because then I can enact quality control by picking only the attractive. I hired an ugly person once and it was a huge mistake. She lasted a week. Pretty is as pretty does and pretty people just do things better.

We dislike being touched with the exception of the people that groom us. I signal affection by actually listening to the people I care for. Most of the time.

I just don't understand wearing color. It's so pretty, but black makes you look thin. That is if you are thin already. If not, no one is fooled by the black tent you draped over yourself.

Diet Coke counts as a food group, but only in a lovely Baccarat flute. Don't do the lemon slice; it has calories and yellow is not currently an "in" color.

We both agree that the only people that the recession is affecting were poor to start with, so surely they are used to going without, mais oui? It's not like they had much to start with. Why all the whining...so demode. I'm so tired of hearing about the price of groceries. Americans are fat enough; Karl and I could live off a family of four for the next two decades if we were cannibals.

I once had to explain to my real life straight husband that my bottled water was so expensive because it had oxygen in it. Special Italian oxygen from the Alps. He looked at me as though I were mentally challenged. Karl would have understood completely without me having to offer the scientific explanation of my expensive water.

We're both so misunderstood. It's the pain of genius. We are pragmatic and honest, plus we always tell you things that will make you a better person in the long run. I only say things aloud that other people secretly think anyway. We are not insensitive to others, that's an ugly rumor that actually has no truth in it for once. Sometimes I do get caught up in telling the most awful gossip to the person that is actually the subject of the gossip, and that's always a bit awkward for them

We also agree that reading magazines for fashion advise is like reading the wall of a public toilet for relationship advice. You must live and breathe fashion to truly understand it. Go to the street for inspiration. Just not your street, no one is fabulous there. I would invite you over to Karl's street but you would have to lose weight first.

And do something with your hair.

Anyway for our wedding I have picked out a lovely gown from his spring collection. I emailed him my measurements so that he could have one of the girls start altering it for me, but I haven't heard back from him yet.

I'll work on the guest list while I wait patiently.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

All Hail The Depressionista

Remember this: I said it first.

Hi Darlings! I am working soooo hard for you right now. As you probably realize Fashion Week started in New York last Friday and I have been glued to my monitor since then.

Tonight I stopped to get the big bottle of Pinot Grigio so that I could spend idle hours reviewing the shows with my eagle fashion eye. I finally got so excited I had to stop so that I could post, as I know you all are waiting impatiently for my final verdict on the coming season.

Let's just call Fall 2009 the season of the Depressionista. I LOVE the clothes, but I am an old '80's Yohgi Yamamoto follower from wayyyyyyy back. I am so digging the severe and angular black, gray, and white clothes winter is bringing that I would just as soon skip spring and summer. I'm a depressed all black sort of girl and I want those liquid leggings right now!

My god it's exhausting being moody and fashion obsessed. I have circles under my eyes, which is very hot this fall. Throw away your concealer, look fabulously tired and jaded. It is totally of the moment as we enter the Post Recession Fashion Season.

Here are some other terms I would apply to the season's looks: Luxe Minimalism, Sexy Androgyny, Structured Degage, Soft Sadistism.

I loooove fashion oxymorons and non-sequiturs, don't you?

Anyway, as even I cannot possibly sum up every show for you, I can run through the ones that I loved.

Abaete-Their fabulously luxe collection was completely inspired by "Les Incroyables", or at least their take on the young dandies of post-revolutionary France. Anyone remember John Galliano's 1984 graduate collection? Hopefully a few of you? Fabulous then, fabulous now. Very wearable, at least if you are me. Look at this:



It makes my heart flutter! If the name Abaete seems familiar it's because their designer, Laura Poretzky, designed a shoe collection for Payless.

Payless is a shoe store for poor--strike that--economically challenged people. I did go to their website to look at the shoes and wonder why Abaete would pick Payless to debut a ready to wear out of the store shoe collection there. They are a bit of a niche fashion line. I know their work, but the average shopper (read economically challenged) has probably not heard of them. What's next? Will Ports 1961 do a collection for Wal-mart? Exactly.....

BCBG for Max Azaria--I have a closet full of their goodies and this season will prove no different. Very futuristic, lots of metallic liquid leggings under icily fluid satin. Just the look for my weekly Winn Dixie trip. Look:



I would have accessorized this with a fabulous cloche hat. There is a decidedly 1930's air to all the collections I previewed, even Ralph Lauren's exquisite Safari themed look. Very "The English Patient". A wider shoulder and slimmer hip prevailed. Graceful, yet louche gathers of material in pants and skirts. Vionnet inspired bias tailoring which I think is a flattering look for most women.

Charlotte Ronson. I adore Charlotte. Not as much as Lindsay adores her sister Sam, but very close. This season's collection would possibly convince me to sleep with her if I could just have a few pieces of this tres original body of work.. Hmmmm.....sex for clothes.....that's very recessionista, therefore chic. Think of the money I could save!

So that I could promply spend it on Ralph's Safari collection. Sorry to go there again, but I normally find Ralph Lauren about as exciting as granny panties. I think he's perfect for the french manicure set. Sort of a grown up version of Garanimals...everything so crisply matchy matchy. Too cute.....

But I really want those faboo silk harem pants and camp shirt. I must be mellowing in my old age....

Back to Ms. Charlotte. I am giving her the lean, mean fashion queen award this season. very deliciously body conscious. I have never particularly been impressed by her clothes before, but this collection knocked me out in style and price. Instead of her usual frilly,girly pieces, she branched out into a very 1984 (the novel) vibe. It was the future, but filtered through the mind of Depression era writer, George Orwell. How apropos! A collection that reflects the truly dystopian period that we are experiencing...brilliant. Here's my fave look from the collection:

I also loved Rag & Bone. The Teenager and I bumped our fabulous heads together over this one. I say thumbs up to the parachute pants. He screamed that he could never respect my fashion taste again over them. What a little drama queen! I am sticking with my decision; they are to die for. And I should know, I wore them the first time around. He'll see....

Vena Cava also did a great collection. Like bugle beads? You'll love ithis collection too, jet bugle beads everywhere. I also coveted the tie dye leggings they were showing.

P.S Here is a chic tip for the season. Consignment. It is very hot right now to sell your clothes and accessories to high end consignment stores. You call the things "non-performing assets". In fact, if you have any high dollar jewelry that could be liquidated check http://www.circajewels.com/. This is the classy way to resell those goodies you don't care for anymore...

Attention please! Here is my personal must have list for 2009. Now listen, if my fifth sense is picking out the correct perfume for an occasion; then my sixth is must have lists. If I were you I would:

• Buy an armload of chunky bangles.
• A perfectly tailored boyfriend blazer.
• Have gorgeous legs. I don't care if it's genetics, gym, or surgery--get them. It's going to be a long, leggy season.
• Snakeskin Platforms--how best to frame your new best asset?
• Lipliner and lipbrush. Learn how to use them!
• Silk flower to grace your casual ponytail. Abandon after July.
• Harem pants. Not dhoti pants. Think "I Dream of Jeannie" ,not the smelly guy working at your local gas station.
• Camp shirt. Silk. Neutral. This is your beach/pool cover up for the season. It's not like you were actually going to get wet. Don't sweat either.
• Don't shoulder pad yet--hot next year, not now. Build up shoulder muscles instead. Weights, people! Employ your local fitness professional!

P.S. Be looking for Alexander McQueen's line for Target debuting on March 4.

My son and I are busy arguing fashion, he started it. He's still on about the parachute pants and my fringed suede sandals. He's so tiresome! I must go.

Love and kisses,

Cult Diva

Save Me From Sacagawea

Happy Valentines Day!

I had a good day today. It was the first day I was able to put on regular pants and do complicated eyeliner. I also did my hair, but why bother since it rained?

Why did I need to make a fashion statement today? Because my sweet Teenager took me to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" for Valentines Day! Okay, he drove. I paid for everything. But Demi Moore does that too and no one picks on her, right?


The movie was cute, but I was cuter. I got to wear my new cute Da-Nang crop cargo pants, Michael Kors top and very fabulous Calvin Klein faux python metallic platforms. The Teenager was rocking his usual retro Americana hipster look with torn skinny cords and a slim dark dress shirt left untucked, plus the de riguer torn up Vans. He's been into Ray-Ban Wayfarers lately, but I showed him some Clubmaster's that he is coveting now. If you are a grandparent reading this, take the hint. He's very Bob Dylan some days, but after watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with me the other night he has been looking at an early '60's classic American look, sort of like George Peppard. He totally got the fashion significance of the film and loved it.

Anyway, the movie was cute, but the clothes were horrid. They looked like the sort of ensembles that people who know nothing about clothes would think were fashionable. Overdone, over accessorized, over, over. I was going to say they should have gotten Patricia Field to do the costume design, she did a great job for "Sex and the City". However she did do it, she must have been inspired by those ugly pieces from her HSN line--horrible! I loved Isla Fisher and Krysten Ritter, they are both totally adorable. The only great fashion piece I noticed was a to die for turquoise/blue bubble necklace that the truly iconic Kristen Scott Thomas was wearing in the scene where she offers Rebecca her dream job with Alette magazine. I will spend the next few days trying to track that necklace down, I loved it. If one of you finds out anything about it, email me. I don't care what time of the day or night, I want to know.

Though the movie was good escapist fluff; it did have one valid point that I drive home again and again to people. Here it is:

Every moment you are breathing you are making an impression on someone. Even if you are oblivious to that person's very existence.

You owe it to the world to leave the house with your best fashion facade forward. One never knows who might take inspiration from you. I remember looking at fashionable women when I was little and just hoping to look like them when I grew up. I got that experience today in the restroom at the theater when I caught two little tweenagers completely absorbing my fashion fabulousness while I was touching up my lipstick. That is truly the best community service I could ever imagine performing--inspiring someone's fashion sense. Those two little girls might take that wonderful feeling; the delicious shiver of unlimited possibilities into future careers in fashion, or writing, or just living beautifully and inspiring those around them.

I may have created two new little Trophy Wives. How awesome is that????

High on that deliciousness, I had to stop by T.J. Maxx on the way home to see if they had anything new to look at. They didn't, but I did get to show the Teenager the shoes I have been cruising for days. Sometimes you don't just run out and buy shoes, you cruise them for a while to build up the anticipation. You try them on, fantasize about your life together, places you would go together, people who would be jealous that you had them, ect. Anyway I shared my new shoe crush with the Teenager and you get a peep too. Close your eyes......

Now open:

Aren't they to die for????? They are Steve Madden's Rubii. At the Steve Madden store and Zappos they are running $110.00, but at T.J. Maxx Valdosta they are $39.99. Really! I'm not just saying that because my husband reads this either. Anyway, I shared them with the Teenager and he gasped.

Then he said "Oh My God".

Now "OMG" can mean so many things. It's like "Shalom". It has a plethora of subtle meanings. So he says "OMG" and I'm like "I know, aren't they to die for????"

To which he said, "What the fuck, are you Sacagawea now??"

With a double scoop of sarcasm even!

OUCH! Bastard!

Fringe is hot!! I remember the first time he laughed at my fashion taste. We were in a dressing room in 1993 and I was trying on the first of the seriously low waisted ripped up bell bottom jeans that were about to define a generation. He gurgled and coughed up a half chewed cracker and then he looked right at me in those pants and laughed. He couldn't have been but six months old, but he already had the eye for fashion. I can't believe I have never made fun of any of his little fashion faux pas-to his face anyway-but as fabulous as he is now, he did go through a little skaterboy gay wigger phase that almost ruined any fashion credibility he would have in the future. Luckily my gene pool has always been dominant in the Teenager and we got through the phase will minimal scarring.

So I put my fringed shoes sadly back on the rack for another woman to sigh over and allowed him to drive me back to the suburbs. I was so depressed I didn't even complain about having to listen to Lil' Wayne for twelve straight miles.

There's a hole in my closet where they were going. I had already made room for them and started looking for the perfect bag. I should know better than to pin my hopes on pretty shoes....

Must go pout.

Love and pouty kisses,

Cult Diva

Thank You Kind MAC Goddess

OMG!

I actually was waited on by an enthusiastic MAC person today at Valdosta's premier shopping experience--Belk's.

Blessings on you, kind cosmetic goddess! I have been heaping all sorts of abuse for years on the unenthused wait staff guarding the cosmetic counters, but you have restored my faith in why anyone works at Belk. I know the hours are long, the pay probably horrendous, and the customers even worse. I can say this because I don't have to work with the public anymore since at the grand old age of forty something I figured out I wasn't a people person. But I am a beauty person and it would cause me actual pain to stand behind that counter and watch some of this area's feminine train wrecks waltz by and not try to fix them.

Anyway the heroine of our story took pity on me in my post surgical state and sold me all sorts of toys to take home and play with. I am up, but not really shaking yet. I managed to drag on a clean loose sweatsuit and scent myself. I just couldn't handle blow drying yet, so I went au nappy-al. I did throw in some oil and brush it down so it would quit locking up like it does when I try to air dry.

She had on the fabulous "Strayin" from the new Hello Kitty collection, so I had to have that too. I got the last one.....It's a bright fuchsia pink that made me feel happy the minute I picked it up, plus the tube has Hello Kitty on it. I got the new Cremesheen Glass in Petite Indulgence to go over it. Same bright pink, but I can wear the glass alone when I want a more subdued look.

I also took home a tube of their new foundation, Studio Sculpt. I will really test drive it tomorrow, but it looks pretty fabulous right now. The reviews on MakeUp Alley have been hugely positive, especially for oily skin like mine.

I also got Mineralize Skin Finish in Brunette. It's sort of a baked terracotta shimmer. I think it will look good with a smokey topaz eye and my new lipstick from Victoria's Secret, Velvet Rope.

I couldn't leave without a smokey eyeshadow either because well I'm just like that. I grabbed a pot of Shady Lady; a matte dark purple that should make me look tubercular. I do try to rock the emo/goth menopause look every now and then, but I have always been too damn healthy looking to pull it off.

Anyway, thanks again kind cosmetic stranger for bringing a little color to my day. See you when the next big campaign hits the store!

Love and you so cannot use my new Hello Kitty lipstick,

Cult Diva

Did The Redneck Trophy Wife Dress Him??

Hey girls! I'm back with my sore ass self. Be on alert, Lortab takes the little restraint I have over my mouth completely off, so there is no telling where today's post may go. Thank you for asking, I am doing well. Just sore and nauseated from medication. Despite hottie doctor's warning, I am going to the gym today, though I will only be walking on the treadmill. I can't lay around here another day watching bad movies. I've stayed with comedy as I can't quite concentrate on anything intelligent at the moment, and may I say that "House Bunny" is quite possibly even too shallow for me?

Today's post deals with the small demographic of a sub-genre of Trophy Wife that I have observed here in South Georgia. Having grown up in an Atlanta suburb filled with Trophy Wives in training, I was unaware of this small, but highly visible sect that populates the outer hinterlands of the state. Up until 2001, my Georgia geography was comprised of few cities. There was Atlanta, Athens (university), Augusta (Master's), Savannah (St. Patrick's Day) and Panama City (next stop after driving through the rest of the blighted state). Yes I really am a native, but why would I be interested in the other boring cities? There were places in Atlanta outside of the Perimeter I have never even been.

Then in 2001 God told me to move here. I'm waiting patiently now for the second part of the instructions because surely this can't be it. Who am I kidding? I'm not waiting patiently at all, I've had moving boxes on standby for a few years now.

Anyway, while I pack I still observe the native flora and fauna and I can't help but notice the local talent. I always look to other women for fashion inspiration and I believe beauty comes in many different forms. We have a few traditional trophy wives here, but many of the TW's are of a whole different inspiration. We have the Redneck Trophy Wife, not to be confused with the White Trash version. If you are from the South you are able to differentiate between the two, though the rest of the world and Hollywood seems unable to do this. Let me see if I can give a little more definition.

Southern Trophy Wife: Cute Lilly Pulitzer sundress/skirt collection, Bernardo sandals, anything from Pappagallo or a shop that has "Ivy" in the title. Alumni of Alpha Delta Pi, Tri-Delt, KD, Chi-O, ect depending on your school, various women's philanthropy groups, brief career helping the unfortunate (children, pets, old people, minorities), and the ability to think of a theme for a fundraiser in thirty seconds or less. Body fat composition hovers around 16-22%, yet still has the ability to absorb multiple glasses of Pinot Grigio without embarrassing spouse in public.

Redneck Trophy Wife: Wardrobe and jewelry collection provided by Bass Pro Shop. Seriously, I went to their website for research yesterday and it was so busy with men buying their wives last minute gifts that it kept crashing. Did you know that you can buy a candle made in a shell casing there? Or that Browning has a line of jewelry with their famous "Buckmark" logo? They also have a nice line of crosses. I observed that there were no Star of David necklaces, which leads me to believe there are no Redneck Jewish Trophy Wives. I'll keep researching that one though. Also look for the mark of the Big Hair. I truly believe one reason our skin cancer rates are so high in Georgia is tied directly to the fact that there is no ozone layer south of Rockdale county due to depletion by Tigi's Big Sexy Hairspray (the product of choice for big hair that lasts all day in this humidity).

Other signs of the Redneck Trophy Wife:

1. Knows what the acronym NASCAR stands for.
2. Ability to urinate neatly outdoors. Very useful when hunting with spouse.
3. Monogrammed gun case.
4. Bike Week is a national holiday.
5. Can line dance.
6. Daughter=pageants. May actually live in a double wide but five year old has extensions and a spray tan.
7. The denier cri: The faux Dooney giraffe hobo.

Even if they have none of the above, look for the faux bag. Now, I have not posted on the politics of faux handbags yet but be aware: it's coming. I have strong opinions about pirated goods, and god knows I never hold back. Here is my biggest argument against faux bags (besides my issues with child labor); if you're going to have one, at least have a faux of an expensive bag. Why Fooney's or Foach's? I can't see buying a fake of a bag that only costs $500 or less anyway. If you're going to fake, fake one that's at least a few thousand. And do not buy the matching faux cigarette case! Coach, Dooney, Louis, and Chanel DO NOT MAKE CIGARETTE CASES.

Also when you carry your Foach, don't carry it while you're buying ensembles at Wal-Mart. No one who spends several hundred on a bag wears fifteen dollar shoes. If you can't afford the real thing, at least buy attractive inexpensive purses. Target has a not too bad looking group of them, and there is always T.J. Maxx--at least there you can put a decent handbag on layaway and no one will be the wiser about how you acquired it.

Now the Redneck TW is also a bit rounder than the Southern version because she can actually prepare food or is willing too. I think willing to is the key here. I have every cookbook Junior League has ever put out and a sauce pan. I was into Pampered Chef for a while, but couldn't see buying cookware when I didn't actually eat. The sauce pan is to boil my edamame when I want it heated. I do actually cook when my kinder half is home, but that's about it. The Teenager is independent and can now make his own grilled cheese without making the house smell like cooking food.

Anyway, during research I googled "Redneck Chic" to see what came up. Vivienne Westwood has an interesting collection of menswear for autumn 2009 that has been described this way. So I looked through the collection this morning and promptly laughed my poor sore ass off. If you need a laugh look at the collection and picture any good old boy you know wearing any of these clothes. Even the models were laughing derisively in the pics. Seriously, save this for a day when you need a good laugh. Also go on the official NASCAR site and look through their women's clothing and accessory collection. Did you know you can buy NASCAR pumps? They're a hideous amber color with the NASCAR logo stenciled across the heel.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. I'm going back to bad television for a while. But with a little effort this afternoon I'm off to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" which is not autobiographical.....

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

T'was The Night Before Surgery...

T'was the night before surgery and all through the house.....that's it. I'm a blogger, not a fucking poet.

Yes, tomorrow's the day and unless you are just totally clueless and have not been following my blog, or you simply don't give a shit, I'm having surgery in the morning. No, not cosmetic, I would be more excited about that. The urethral sling surgery so that I won't pee my pants anymore.

And I am ready! I will probably be the prettiest person this doc has worked on in a while. I'm figuring that because normally he only sees really old people. I'm always the youngest person in the waiting room and that's not saying much.

So today I had to especially pretty up since tomorrow a strange man will be seeing my kitkat while I am blissfully unconscious. If I were in my twenties they would call this date rape, but at forty something it's almost like a real date like sort of thing. Being married I don't date anymore, so this at least gives me something to get dressed up for.

So my day consisted of having my skin buffed and anti-cellulite measures taken. A spray tan because we all know that fat looks better brown and so do stretch marks. I am waxed to perfection and any pesky grays are gone. I had a little botox from the wonderful Dr. Bridgett Moore to get rid of the pterodactyl feet around my eyes. I don't have nail or toe nail polish on, but my front and back paws are buffed to a healthy, natural sheen which feels highly unnatural to me. I had planned my surgery mani/pedi to be a dark burgundy, I thought it would really stand out in the white, sterile environment of the operating room. But no, for some reason they need my nails to be unvarnished. As if you could tell the state of my health with all this acrylic on top of my real nails.

Then it was time to hit the gym for that serious firming workout. The back of my thighs needed lots of work. I put myself in surgical position as if I were in stirrups today and took a seriously unpleasant look. I will probably be doing lunges all the way to the hospital, it's only twelve miles from here. That should firm them a little.

Tonight after I webcam/talk with my kinder, cuter half I plan to work out my no-make up make up look. I bought this fabulous product called "O Glow" from one of my favorite cosmetic companys, Smashbox. It's a clear gel and you rub it into the apples of your cheeks. Then it magically turns into the color you would blush if you were naturally able too. I thought Nar's "Orgasm" (my normal blush color) might be a bit much for surgery. I can fake a lot, but I can't fake that I blush with little bits of gold glitter. I have Lorac's awesome lip stain in Sheer Luck to give my lips a Popsicle stained pout, with a little Victoria's secret lipgloss over them. Of course my brows are always enhanced with Lorac's brow kit and I think I may smudge a little brown shadow into my lashline so I don't look so naked eyed. A little cover up around my nostrils and a dusting of mineral powder from Mac should complete my "no make up " look.

For god's sake this is surgery. I could end up a corpse and I certainly don't plan on looking like one ahead of time. The Teenager was giving me a hard time about my pre-surgical grooming and I had to patiently explain that if I should die, then not much would have to be done to make me look good...duh...

But he got it. Thank god for meterosexual sons! Then he suggested bronzer to go with my fake bake. He's a genius and is sooooo detail oriented. That bronzer will pop under those horribly unflattering surgery lights. Why do they need the room so bright???? My husband works on cars which is the same as surgery and he just uses this light he hangs up on the hood. It works just fine and everyone looks better in ambient lighting.

I am doing my hair up with wispy bangs. I think they're going to put one of those shower curtain things on me anyway. Now the cute girls at the library today convinced me that golden glitter gel was not exactly comme il faut for surgery, but I must think on that. I don't take fashion advise from just anyone...

I also have a cute pre-surgery outfit to wear and go home in. They said sweats, so I got a new set from Victoria's Secret. They are a little tight through the leg, so I now have to worry that the hideous bag I have to wear overnight isn't going to fit in them. I like Victoria's Secret Pink line, which I am probably too old to wear. However, flat on my back with my botox I think I can pass for thirty-ish. I did ix-nay on the Hello Kitty panties, that would be pushing it a bit.

But the big decision is perfume. I'll know in the morning. Sometimes it just comes to me, it's like a talent I have..choosing the right perfume for the outfit and occasion..

It's almost like a fifth sense.

Anyway, everyone be thinking about me and I'll think about me too. Will see you all again Thursday when I will be adding to the "Trophy Wife-The Series" series. Thursday is going to be all about a sub-genre that I saved especially for you...

The Redneck Trophy Wife

All of my love, but you still can't use my lipstick,

Cult Diva

Pilates And The Art Of Trophy Wife Maintenance

So you think you have what it takes to become a Trophy Wife? I must warn you ahead of time that though the end result is pretty fabulous, this is serious work that requires a level of concentration that only a hit of your child's ADD medicine can enable. And I do mean work! Now some of us were born TW's, but not everyone can claim that. If you are with a TW that has absolutely no pictures in her photo album dated prior to the last decade, you are probably with a man made version. And that's perfectly all right! Behind every fantastic TW is an even better plastic surgeon. Or two.

Now wash Junior's Adderal down with your lemon water and lets go meet some of the wonderful new acquaintances you will become utterly dependant on as you start your ascent from Domestic Diva to Trophy Wife!

1. The Plastic Surgeon. This person is going to know more about you than your husband ever will. They know exactly what you look like without makeup or spray tan. They know which parts of you are real and which parts you're still paying off. You also need to be completely honest with this person about your drug and alcohol intake as they don't want you to become brain damaged by anesthesia during a procedure (much nicer word than surgery). Make sure you keep them and all of their wonderful staff on your Christmas card list. If they're Jewish or any other religion, make sure you do the proper research on whatever it is that they worship. You don't want to look politically incorrect by not properly acknowledging whatever heathen beliefs they embrace. Just because they're not going to Heaven with you doesn't mean they are not good people too. And you sure don't want to get on their bad side or you might end up looking like Pricilla Presley.
2. The Personal Trainer. This is the guy that is going see you in positions your husband never knew you could get into. You want a man for a trainer because the girl ones are just a little suspect. Unless you're really into that sort of thing. Just remember this: not many women can afford you, so you're best off sticking with the other team. Those Ellen DeGeneres types are far and few between and Portia's already got her all wrapped up. However you're really not in any danger. You can do pelvic thrusts all day and he's still going to be thinking about Gunner. Or Bryan. Or your husband. Seriously what man could watch you doing downward facing dog and not get wood?
3. Your Esthetician. Quit lying to her. She knows that you have spent every waking moment of your life lounging in the sun with a cigarette and cocktail in hand. Without her, your skin would look exactly like a scrotum. Forget her birthday and she might forget to completely taser off your goatee. Just remember: there's only one place a TW might have something resembling a soul patch and it isn't on her face....
4. Your Nail Goddess. Without her nail fashion input you would be wandering around declawed with crusty feet. Or worse, trying to get away with Lee Press-On's. She also knows the best gossip. I have no idea why, I've tried to figure out if there is some sort of nail goddess gossip hot line, but so far have been unsuccessful. I do have a theory though; because sometimes their English is less than perfect it might lead one to believe they don't understand it. Fooled you! Trust me, Saigon Suzie has probably been here way longer than you and drops the cute accent as soon as work is over. She filed away every word you said while you talked trash with your BFF.....
5. Your Waxer. Or in your case your landscape artist. She should be getting huge tips from you. Really, could you do this to another woman????
6. The Diet Doctor. This guy keeps you able to run around to all these appointments with little more than salad and designer water in your system. Here's a little tip from me: the FDA has really cracked down on prescriptions. If you don't weigh enough, you are never going to get a refill. Make sure you put on ankle weights under your Juicy tracksuit to add that necessary ten pounds. Watch the nurses look puzzled as they check the scale. Don't forget to make an appointment for next month before you leave, this office is usually booked solid three months in advance.
7. The Personal Shopper. Unless you're able to really multitask, you can't possibly read and interpret all the fashion magazines every month. What a daunting task that would be! She has your measurements and your best interests in mind, plus knows exactly how much you're willing to spend to look hot. Without her you would be lucky to be able to leave the house without looking like that Olsen girl, you know the one that looks like a bag lady.
8. The Hairdresser. This is the only person who should ever know what color your hair really is. Isn't everyone born with gleaming, soft, multi-tonal hair? Plus they always have a way more exciting sex life than you and don't mind sharing advice. What do they teach in cosmetology school these days??
9. The Therapist. Though you don't share as much with them as you do your nail goddess or hair technician, you do need them to add balance and Xanax to your life. It's so nice to just be able to focus on you for a while and and not have to pretend to be interested in someone else's drama. Unless it's something juicy that you can pass on....Better yet, they have to give you their undivided attention, after all you are paying them by the hour.
10. The Gynecologist. They keep your hormones straight so that you don't have to act like you're going through early menopause. After all, you're only 29......They also will be rebuilding your kitkat one day and they know it didn't get that way from just pushing out one child...

Now you have all the ammunition you need to start building your own team of Trophy Wife enablers. Financing? You're a smart girl, you got this far so I have complete faith that you'll figure it all out. However I am always open to questions when it is convenient for me. Just don't call while I'm getting waxed.

Love and kisses,

Cult Diva

I'm a Trophy Ex-Wife, How About You?

So many people have asked for my advise on how to be a Trophy Wife that I felt it was finally time to do blog post about it. Once I began taking notes and doing research I realized I had more than a post; I had an entire mini-series. "Trophy Wife" is too simplistic of a term to apply to a young, attractive spouse married to an older, more successful spouse.



I personally take great offense at being lumped into any category that Ashton Kutcher could be part of.



So for all three of you that sought my counsel and the rest of you that didn't; I present:



"Trophy Wife..The Series"



Part One: Exploring Sub Genres of the Stereotype



Trophy Wife: The younger, more attractive second, third, fourth, ...to infinity wife of an older, successful man. Markings include but are not limited to: large breasts, large wedding ring, even golden glow, low body fat,no expression lines, voluminous amounts of hair, large expensive handbag. Often shop, eat, and groom in packs. Diet consists of salad, vodka, and expensive bottled water.

Examples: Senator Fred Thompson's wife Teresa, Carla Bruni, anyone on a show called "The Real Housewives of ....,Portia de Rossi, Posh, anyone married to Donald Trump.



Ex-Trophy Wives: The unfortunate by product of a high profile divorce. This sad sub genre came from nowhere and went back there rapidly post divorce. Markings include: Bitter expression, ability to make any expression, weight gain, bad hair, and anonymity. Often caught drunk dialing tabloids in the middle of the night to tell their side of the story. Diet: Cheap vodka, anti-depressants, and low fat Pringles.

Examples (as if you might remember any of them): Marla Maples, Jerri Hall, all women married to Rod Stewart, anyone married to Liza Minelli.



Serial Trophy Wives: Who says you can't have them all? These busy gals marry so much and so often even they can't remember who they're married to anymore. Just call them all "Darling", darling. They usually stay gorgeous as there's always a new sugar daddy just around the corner to pay the nice plastic surgeon. Characterized by multiple wedding rings, wedding album shelves, and a trade in deal worked out with Tiffany. Diet: Good champagne and a wisp of wedding cake.

Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Joan Collins, Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe. I'm going to throw Pamela Anderson in here too even though she keeps going back and forth with that syphilltic looking tattooed fellow.


The Trophy Ex-Wife. This rare breed does better post divorce. All your hard earned child support and alimony goes for one thing and one thing only. To make her look fabulous for her newer, more attractive, and way more successful second husband. However, sometimes this little darling does even better on her own instead of having to be arm candy for one more ego maniac. Markings include: smug expression, way bigger ring than the first time around, husband that can kick first husband's ass, condescending tone when she has to call you to remind you that you're late again on your child support. Diet: Revenge served with a twist.

Examples: Eleanor of Aquitaine, Ellen Barkin (get him girl!), Jessica Fisher (was Conseco), Gigi Levangie Grazer (love that Starter Wife!).



and bottom of the heap:



Trophy Wives that marry beneath themselves or Trophy Trash. These poor gals keep serial marrying down the social scale. Markings include: tight expression, ever changing hairstyle/color, diminishing bank account, and a stream of positive press releases issued by their loyal but overworked publicist. Diet: Who can possibly eat with paparazzi in their faces all the time?

Examples: Britney Spears, Lisa Marie Presley, Madonna, and Jennifer Lopez.



Trophy Wives even have a patron saint. Ivana Trump had a nasty, nasty divorce back in the late '80's from the Donald. But she emerged from it a new woman, literally. Her cosmetic makeover launched her spectacularly into a society that had been ready to pity her. Instead they lauded her and she came out of the divorce looking way better than she looked during marriage. Now at the end of marriage number four I'm sure she's looking around for a numero cinco. Since there are just an endless amount of greasy looking gigolos all over Europe, I'm predicting a spring wedding. I hear Christie Brinkley might be her divorcee of honor.

Join us later in the week for Part Two: "Pilates and the Art of Trophy Wife Maintenance"

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Do The Tighten Up

No girl, this isn't yet another post on working out your mantrap. I'm talking about tightening your skin today with Fraxel laser resurfacing.

I went to see Valdosta's premier skin goddess today, Christy Howell, over at Azalea Center for Plastic Surgery. As you know we've been working on my skin for a few months now and I have to say my skin is now amazing. I have had to wear heavy foundation since my teens to cover acne discoloration and scarring, then melasma/sun damage, and to try to plaster my moon crater pores. Thanks to her and Obagi Nu-Derm products I'm down to a little mineral powder and concealer under the eyes. Plus loads of sunscreen. I have become positively vampiric about sunlight these days, I've gotten where I am covered head to toe in 45+. I guess I will be gardening this summer in the early evening because I am not going to undo all the good work she's done.

Anyway, she mentioned doing a series of Fraxel laser treatments last December and you know it doesn't take much to get me to try a product. Actually, she could just book the appointment if she wanted and give me a card with the time and date to arrive. I had been researching Fraxel for months and was curious about it. The research I did had not convinced me that Fraxel was a great procedure, actually most of the results posted were extremely negative. I saw tons of posts about fat loss afterward that aged the face even more, sagging, skin tone irregularity, scarring, ect. It seems some of the first non-ablative lasers were quite harsh, many people posted how painful the procedure was.

I had started seeing more positive feedback recently, so when Christy mentioned it I decided to try it for myself. Though my face is not as full as it was in my twenties, it still is fairly rounded so I was not as worried about ending up with a drawn look like some of the women complained about.

She cleaned my face first while we chatted about vaginal rejuvenation and crazy things our teens were up too. Then she applied a cooling gel to my face and hit me with the first blast of energy from the hand piece.

OOOOUUUCCHH! This is not comfortable at all, though you probably can get through it without sedatives. She gave me a lidocaine based numbing cream afterward, and some for my next session in a month. I took a benadryl as soon as I got home to take down the redness and swelling. It's been about two hours now since the procedure and my face looks almost back to normal now. It's slightly red and a little fuller looking than normal, but I don't look freaky.

Let me explain in more detail exactly what fractional non-ablative skin resurfacing is. Light pulses are delivered in little micro-columns of the skin. It feels like hot little needles jabbing at you. What this does is penetrate to the lowest levels of your dermis to cause the underlying collagen to coagulate or tighten up. It also encourages it to form new links, sort of like tearing down muscle tissue when you lift weights to build muscle size. As it's non-ablative, you have no heavy peeling or epidermal weeping like you do with CO2 lasers or more aggressive dermabrasion techniques. You need to do a series of 4 to 6 of them to get the best results, but don't expect to see immediate improvement. It does take months for the full benefit of the treatment to become apparent as the collagen layer heals and begins to rejuvenate.

Fractional skin resurfacing is fantastic for those years when you aren't quite at face or brow lift age, but are starting to sag slightly. I'm a firm believer in doing lots of little things to maintain yourself, as opposed to trying to repair a total wreck. You can use this laser on other areas besides your face and neck as well. I found several sites showing how to use the Palomar StarLux system to tighten skin on the abdomen, thighs, and buttocks. I would love to do this on my lower abdomen! I have great abs due to a high volume of sit-ups, but I have this pouch of loose skin and stretch marks just below my belly button. It doesn't show in a bikini but of course I hone right in on it anyway. Sometimes I pinch it just so I can watch it not bounce into place, the pinch just slowly sinks back into the wrinkled little pit it came from....ugh.

My skin is still a little warm to the touch, I did decide not to go to the gym today just because I know I'll be bright red after working out. I'll be scheduling this again next month, I may just even post up a picture or two!

P.S. This month's sale at Azalea Center for Plastic Surgery is on injectables. You know, the Holy Trinity: Botox, Juvederm, Restylane. It's 20% off, so get in there. After all February only has 28 days and we don't need the poor staff there to be run off their feet all month just because you waited 'til the last minute to book an appointment! Their website address with all their info is
http://www.azaleacenter.com/


Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva

Put Your Hands Up And The Fork Where I Can See It!

Everyday I get out of bed, make coffee, scan the news, and thank god above that I'm not a celebrity. I know for sure that no one is lurking outside my windows to take pictures of me in compromising positions.


I know I can go to the gym or shopping without being the viciously ridiculed subject of bitchy bloggers (like myself).


That I can have a fashion melt down and few people, if any, will know about it. What am I saying? I'm in Valdosta. I've seen people at funeral services wearing rubber flip flops. Dressed up here means the flip flops match your Vera Bradley purse.


I don't always have great days, but I can promise you this much: at least I'm not Jessica Simpson.


Unless you live in a total cultural void with no media outlet, you surely have seen poor Jessica's enormous ass plastered all over the place with those horrible jeans stretched across it's awe inspiring expanse. I'm not posting the same tired picture here; Google it for yourself. It's everywhere, hell it's probably on "60 Minutes" tonight. So now we have recession, unemployment, a hopeless Middle Eastern mess, and Jessica Simpson's ass. Surely this must be a sign of the apocalypse.



Ouch! The girl has gotten Anna Nicole sized. Hopefully Trim-Spa has already called her publicist. Forget Jenny Craig, poor Jess needs Jenny Crank.


Now, enough of the cheap stabs and snarky rhetoric.

Any of you that have ever battled your weight know how awful and time consuming it is. If being thin were easy, we would all be Victoria Beckham. I've been on a diet my entire life and it sucks. I really like my food and yours too. Being the same height as Jessica (5' 3") and having a curvy endomorphic body type is a fashion challenge. The slightest weight gain shows immediately and you always photograph squatty unless you have a terrific photographer to get your best angles. Whoever photographed that poor woman from behind in those horrific jeans should be tried for paparazzi photo crimes. Nicole Richie would look plump from that angle!

So she gained a little weight. Is this reason for the 4.5 million hits you get on Google if you input "Jessica Simpson fat new" in the search box? Give her a break, she's been in show business for the last decade which means she hasn't eaten a good meal since. And as you remember from one of my previous blogs, she had to seriously train to get into those Daisy Dukes. No one gets an ass like that from genetics.

Now Jessica, this is just addressed to you. I know by now you've read all the crap out there about your weight. You've cringed over that picture. My dear, short girls with big hips and big boobies cannot wear high waisted jeans with big thick belts. If you were a tall girl you might be able to pull that off. But you're a short girl with a short waist. Fire your stylist immediately. I understand economizing on fashion, but please make those jeans go back to island of unfortunate clothes.


Now call Annabel Tollman. She's a fabulous stylist who is a curvy girl also. She know how to dress our body type. Now that's who needs her own show! Somebody please pull the plug on Rachel Zoe and her horde of crack head fashionista wannabes. Doesn't she look like she could be Mary Kate and Ashley's mom? And don't let her chase you down at the KFC and try to slip a tapeworm in your mashed potatoes.

Get the Daisy Dukes out and stick them on your refrigerator for inspiration. Also, check my earlier post about following your exercise plan. I hate to make you go back to the gym, but if you don't the media is going to Britneyize you until you crack up and are caught on film beating Tony Roma's car up with a five dollar foot long from Subway. Just go ride the elliptical machine for about three months and try my chicken recipe. Go on Oprah and emote. Hire a ghostwriter to help you write a book about your struggle with food and self image. I'm available and will offer my services in exchange for shoes and a few hair extensions.

Now go work it girl!

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva