Do You Suffer From CNS?

No, it's not some exotic new disease or another complication of menopause I'm going through.

The acronym stands for "Cockeyed Nipple Syndrome". I have it often and it bothers me, I just became curious if other women were plagued with this also as I don't normally check out other women's high beams.

I found myself for the umpteenth time yesterday rearranging my boobage in my sports bra so that my nipple line was even as opposed to having a high one and a low one. Or one pointed straight and the other one looking sideways. God knows how long I had wandered around the gym all askew, it's not like anyone is going to pull you aside and mention that your girls are crooked.

I was really happy to see that one of the bra companies is finally addressing the nipple problem by creating a bra with "modesty petals" built in. I'm not particularly modest, I admit to being guilty of using the power of booby confusion to my advantage when dealing with the male species, but occasionally I do find myself in situations where nipples are inappropriate. Living in the Deep South there are exactly three seasons: Summer, Football, and Baby Jesus' Birthday. Since all three are mainly hot and humid, we have year round Arctic air conditioning that only adds to the nipple problem.

Which leaves you with the option of: heavily padded bras (I don't want any added size), cardigans, jackets, or other layers of clothes (better to sweat in), or silicone nipple concealers. The nipple concealers are made by the same company that puts out Hollywood Fashion Tape, which is probably the most useful product ever created. They are flesh colored silicone discs that stick on your nipples so that you can wear thin shirts, sheer tops, or even go braless (as if). They have some form of adhesive on them that lasts up to ten uses, though I'll bet they wouldn't make it through a humid evening fish fry here. Having already survived the trauma of a good friend losing her breast enhancement rubber cutlet in a Friday night crowded Atlanta restaurant, I'm a little leery of any "self stick" booby products.

On a side note: my friend that lost her rubber boobie ended up marrying the gentleman she was out with that night. It was a first date, and I was along for moral support. Since there was no way we could retrieve the big rubber cutlet from literally the middle of the floor and it was obvious that she had shrunk dramatically on one side, she just 'fessed up to the ruse and pointed to where it was laying on the floor. He laughed his ass off and I'm pretty sure fell in love with her right there.

Now if they could just solve the sports bra nipple solution. Since I live in the gym, my current solution has been to layer two or three extremely tight bras under my tank tops, making sure I arrange the nips in a position they might naturally be in, as opposed to squashed near each arm pit. However, I did run across this awesome sports bra this morning called appropriately enough "The Wine Rack". It's a sports bra that holds 25 ounces of your favorite liquid in the lined cups and is equipped with a small hose built into the side of the bra that you can discreetly run up the front of your shirt. As you drink, the size of your "rack" will shrink, but considering how drunk you'll be, who cares? You can find it at "The American Tailgater Company".

If I hurry and order this morning, I can get one in time for football season.