What Do You Have To Do For A Handicapped Permit?

These newly worded signs have been replacing all the traditional handicapped signage all over Valdosta because of me. I've mentioned before that I have been petitioning the DMV for years for a handicapped permit because I'm an emotional cripple. I've had my therapist, psychic advisor, and feng shui practitioner write notes also, but they are a tough group at the Lowndes County DMV. I curse them every time I leave the building and walk to my car, which is all the way in the back of their parking lot.

Since the emotional cripple excuse was a no-go, I had to get even more creative in my campaign for a permit. I'm at the age where I can't really get away with parking in the "new or expectant mother" spot. Yes my FUPA makes me look at least three months gone, but the Teenager refuses to sit in a car seat in the back anymore when he rides with me.

Ingrate. He hates to walk too.

I should have adopted a third world baby instead of opting for live birth. I'll bet Madonna has a damn handicapped parking permit.

Everyone in South Georgia has a permit, you seem to be able to get them for conditions like food allergies or chronic ingrown toe nails. I do know people who have gotten them because they have severe depression.

Except for me.

I'm starting to feel like maybe the fine public servants down at the DMV don't like me. This has become a personal battle.

So here are some of my new strategies:

• I have multiple personalities and whatever personality I'm in could forget where the car is unless it's directly in front of the store.
  
  
  • I'm an Adult Child of an Adult Child.
    
    
  • I have low self esteem. I would feel much better about myself if I was in the front of the parking lot instead of all the way in the back with the other parking losers.
    
    
  • I'm a narcissist and therefore very important. I deserve the best parking spots.
    
    
  • I'm having complications of menopause. Walking from that far back causes brown spots on my skin, hot flashes, mood swings, and interrupts my sleep cycle.
  
  
  
  • I have phobias about open spaces. I can scuttle to the safety of the building faster if I am closer to it.
  
  
  
  • I have sun allergies. UVA/UVB rays cause those dreaded brown spots (see above) and break down my various facial enhancement chemicals faster. I want mileage out of my
    filler, we're in a recession dammit!
  
  
  

  So that's about the time these carefully worded signs began to appear around Valdosta. You can't just be mentally or emotionally crippled anymore for a permit. Being crazy isn't going to get me the golden parking ticket.

  
  
  

  I saw a walker and various medical prosthesis for sale on the side of the road as I was driving home this afternoon. No, really I did. This is South Georgia. People just stop and have yard sales any old place and sell whatever they have with them at the moment. They had rusty old wheel chairs, all-in-one commodes, canes. I don't know why one person driving only a hatchback would have all that medical equipment for sale, but I'm not one for nosy questions.

  
  

  I may go back for that walker.

  
  

  Wish me luck,

  Cult Diva