Tundra Fever

If I had to pick a theme song for my love life it would probably sound familiar to anyone who has ever heard of Sir Mix-A-Lot. Remember the horrible "I Like Big Butts" song?

Just insert the word "blonde" for butts.

Yes, I like big blondes and I cannot lie.

I've only dated one brunette, but he was from Minnesota and of Swedish descent. His eyebrows oddly enough were blonde, so that counted as far as I was concerned.

Looking back, I don't think I've ever dated, married, hooked up with, or had questionable contact with anyone whose ancestors came from south of the 45th parallel.

Or had the ability to tan.

I think I might have "Tundra Fever".

It's a Middle Eastern thing. Or the now more politically correct term: Southwest Asian. I love to tell people that I'm Southwest Asian so that I can watch their eyes glaze over while they try to picture where the hell that is exactly. Mynamar? Bangladesh?

Geography isn't stressed enough in American schools.

All the women in my family like blonde men. During the Roman Empire, I have no doubt one of my more adventurous female relatives probably convinced a Visigoth to continue to occupying her country. During the Crusades, another one was probably jumping up and down during the invasion yelling in the most unladylike manner, "Pick me and I'll help you burn down this shitty village", at some gorgeous blonde specimen. Since there were nine recognized Crusades, I know at least nine of my predecessors got lucky.

They probably spent weeks getting ready everytime they heard a new horde was about to invade. Oy, the shopping and the primping.

And so on through our family history until we arrived here early in the twentieth century for life, liberty, and the pursuit of yet more blondes in the New World.

Here's my Final Four Fantasy team:

Viggo Mortensen



Kevin McKidd


Alexander Skarsgard


David Beckham



Jason Lewis



Yes, I had to use the Absolut ad that everyone else has ever used of him. I think that Absolut should have at the very least run a contest where the person who drank the most of their product in a year could get a personal visit/phone call/signed poster while they were away at rehab afterward.



I keep Brad Pitt and Daniel Craig on the bench for when I feel like a mid-game change up. I just recently cut Brad from the first string because he's starting to look really tired from all that Angelina drama. He should have picked me. Yes I'm just as high maintenance, but I don't actually like children enough to have more than one at time.

Mr. Cult Diva gets his own category, as he looks sort of like if you morphed all these guys together. He's also asked me not to post pictures of him because he doesn't want all the attention. He actually gets embarrassed when people comment on his looks. But I will share this with you, he was voted "Most Beautiful Man" at Camp Red Cloud by a group of his peers and I have the award to prove it in our safety deposit box. Plus, he gets extra kudos for letting me adopt a never ending stream of stray cats.

I'll bet the other guys are allergic to cats.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva