G.I. Jew And The Devil Puppies Get Some

It's no secret that we have been "encouraging" the Teenager to join the military for the last few years. He's torn between the U.S military and the Israeli, however I don't think the Israeli's offer an enlistment bonus. Marine recruiters have been hanging out at the high school just for the purpose of enlisting fine young men such as my son. The Teenager and one of his friends have decided they want to enlist under the "Buddy Program", which I think is an excellent idea. These two have been playing war games since they were in elementary school, why not get paid for it?

I would actually pay to watch the Teenager go to Boot Camp. Just knowing that within twenty minutes of getting there that he will be beating the ground with his face is enough for me. The Corps has a long history of assisting nice young men find their true purpose in life, which as a parent I find totally commendable.

I think prolonged push ups will certainly help my little comedian get what's known as "GOFO" or Grasp Of The Fucking Obvious. I don't doubt his buddy will be right there pushing the ground with him, but I bet he gets GOFO before the Teenager.

So Friday night, despite being well into their teens, the boys suited up for battle. They still use bits and pieces of my husband's military equipment and uniforms, combined with motorcycle helmets, ghutra's (large, checkered scarves you see all over the Middle East), and safety glasses.

And of course no group of suburban mercenaries would be complete without weapons of mass destruction, also known as Airsoft rifles complete with grenade launchers, extra magazines, and the largest container of plastic BB's known to man.

The boys practice what is known in the trade as "Kinetic Targeting", a fancy term for shooting at moving targets, specifically cars driving past. They have been laying in trenches for years around our area targeting passing vehicles as they hone their shooting skills. Most of their victims probably think some form of road debris has popped up to ping their car or that an acorn has fallen from our heavily tree lined street on to their roof.

They have no idea they are being targeted by expert snipers.

For a long time the boys were on foot, so they did develop a really amazing shoot and run like hell technique.

Then in middle school many of them acquired golf carts and then they were able to occupy a larger portion of our town. However, they soon found out that they couldn't out run Lowndes county's finest in an electric golf cart. After a short chase and capture, the very nice officer called each parent to come pick up their little warrior. Later the boys drove back out to the battlefield to pick up the weapons they had thrown overboard during the chase.

But with the advent of new driver's licences, the troops are now rolling ass in a lightly armored Dodge Stratus (sorry Mr. Cult Diva, at least it's not the little red car).

They decided Friday to target our local drinking hole, because shooting at drunk guys leaving the bar in pickup trucks is a really smart thing to do. What they don't seem to get is that those guys have way bigger guns than the Puppies currently have.

G.I. Jew (yes, that's the Teenager's new nickname) led his men into a preemptive strike against a group of especially aggressive and fast moving enemy targets that in turn captured one of their men. Sadly in the fog of war, one of the younger members of the gang did not quite out run the enemy and get back to the the Bradley Stratus, thus he was taken down.

And choked. Then bounced around the group like a cheap rubber ball.

G.I Jew tried to get him on his walkie-talkie (yes, they use those in the field as well as their iPhones), but it must have fallen to the wayside with the other hastily discarded ordnance.

The young man did finally escape from the enemy and the Devil Puppies RTB'ed Most Ricky Tick because they were hoping I was still awake to save their asses if the angry drunk rednecks followed them back.

"Wow, y'all are some big ballers running home to get your mommy to save you", I commented the next day after the exhausted warriors had woken up and told me about the previous evening's shit storm. I personally would have thrown them to the wolves and taken pictures. Except for the fact that they stole-requisitioned- all the camera batteries for their equipment.

At least they had enough gas to make it back to the house. Their last battle engagement was on an empty tank and no fuel funds.

I hope the recruiting office is open today. I may have that nice young recruiter start doing home visits. I'm all for early enlistment and we can do that at 17, which is in exactly nine months from today.

Hoo-Rah!

Cult Diva