Don't Try This At Home

I like to think of myself as a thoroughly independent and autonomous sort of woman. I have good critical thinking skills and am known to friends and past employers as a "problem solver". Often my approach is creative, I do tend to see the world in a slightly more skewed way than most, but I pride myself on my rapid response time to problems. Especially of the domestic repair variety.


I think it's possible to fix almost anything if you have a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a tube of Super Glue. Many writers are remembered by their expressive bon mots, however one day in the future when you Google "Cult Diva famous quotes" this is all you will get:


"Slap some Super Glue on that bitch, I haven't got all day!"

You can use it if you like. It's served me well all these years. I actually Super Glued a strapless bra on myself once to keep it in place. I was dancing in a club and it kept slipping down around my rib cage, giving me a bizarre "double rack" sort of look. Luckily I wasn't so substance impaired yet that I got glue on my nipples, I did manage to keep it on the perimeter of the bra. Later the next day I was able to cut the bra off with minimal scarring and discomfort. I had a few loose threads left over, but they soon fell away.

My husband can't quite figure out why I'm still alive. By his count I should have used up my nine lives about twenty years ago. Since we've been together he's witnessed me:

• Mix the equivalent of mustard gas to clean the bathrooms. He doesn't understand how I was breathing with the windows shut. What a worrier, that is so sweet.


• Staple decorative lights around the awnings of our house, while the lights were plugged in. I needed to see how they would look when they were lit while I was stapling, I don't see why he didn't understand that.


• Destroy every utility cord we have by cutting it in half with an operating hedge trimmer. Those big orange cords spark and smoke like hell when you go through them. P.S. for Mr. Cult Diva; I didn't do the last two. That was the Teenager and Marianne. But I'm safe now, we currently have no more utility cords, nor will anyone loan me one as I've cut neighbors cords also.


• Gluing curtain rods up. I've never quite figured out how to use the drill and my Dremel tool didn't work for that. I'm not patient, I wanted the rods up NOW. And they stayed up too, as long as you didn't accidentally touch them.

There are other incidents too numerous to mention, but last night on the phone I was telling my husband about my latest foray into fixing things. Yesterday, while shopping at the military base, I stepped in some one's enormous wad of spit out gum. Unknowingly I tracked it back to my car and got it all over my gas and brake pedals. The wad was so large that I truly hope the idiot who spit it out did so while choking to death on it. Not only was it all over my adorable Bernardo sandals, but my feet kept getting stuck on the pedals causing me to jerk and hesitate while trying to drive the ridiculously low required speed at the base. Since it was lunch hour, cars were everywhere and I almost pulled out and/or stopped dead in front of many people while I dealt with the sticky foot situation. I finally pulled into the gas station and got most of it cleaned off my shoe.

So when I got home it was time to clean the pedals. I went to my husband's (who I will now refer to as "Chemical Ali"--does he throw away anything????) chemical area to get some WD-40. Since there was none, I opted for the next available lubricant I found, which was some product called "White Lightening Lithium Extra Greasy Something Something". I'm not a label reader, obviously.

It did not remove the gum, but it did make the pedals extra slippery. So I used several hundred of his pristine and unused collection of garage rags soaked in mineral spirits to clean that mess off.

Wow. The combination of the two chemicals in an enclosed garage is quite pungent, especially once I got in the car and closed the door. Worse, the gum was still there.

Perhaps the chemicals got to me, but I remembered I have always had luck using PAM cooking spray to remove sticky residue. Unfortunately I threw the PAM out a few weeks ago because I decided it was too toxic to cook with.

But I still had olive oil. Understand that I am to olive oil what the dad in "Big Fat Greek Wedding" was to Windex. Olive oil can fix anything if properly applied.

Except remove gum, industrial lubricant, and mineral spirits from my car's pedals.

So I knew I had to go hardcore and stick with what I know best.

Time to go into my private bathroom and see which beauty product I had to solve my dilemma. I've got tubes of stuff in there that you can't even buy in the U.S anymore, surely there's something to fix the mess in the garage.

And here's what I found: if you go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy their Brazilian Bikini Wax System, it comes with a bottle of "Wax Off".

When you are home waxing (don't do it, spend the money for a professional) and you get to the breaking point where you can no longer pull hardened wax off your genitals without the neighbors hearing you and calling "911", then you apply "Wax Off" and it removes the rest while leaving your bleeding and irritated flesh intact.

So I tried it as I had nothing to lose at this point and found out that it certainly removes gum and a variety of other chemicals off of your car pedals. And leaves behind a fresh, pleasant scent, with a nice sheen on the pedals. It sort of looks as though my car has been professionally detailed.

Told you I'm a creative problem solver. Maybe that will be my first book, something like "Hints from Heloise" with less emphasis on the "correct" way of doing things. I'm all about making it up as you go along and using what you have immediately at hand. Never forget that real women carry "Super Glue" in their purse to every function. You never know when you might need to impress your friends with your "Handywoman skills".

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva