So I Get Enlightenment And Then Gracefully Expire

Act One: In which the Fabulous Cult Diva wrestles mightily the the demons of low self esteem and anxiety.

Act Two: Our brave and fashionable heroine finds inspiration in an unlikely source.

Act Three: As the curtain closes; our now enlightened heroine clutches her burning bosom with tears in her eyes and vows dramatically that "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Wait, that was some other crazy Southern Belle's parting line. Okay, how about this instead:

"Oh shit my side hurts. I'm going to explode like a python after a antelope buffet."

Perhaps not as dramatic or eloquent as the first line, but certainly more apt.

However no, I did not explode somewhere in the Everglades yesterday like some one's cast off exotic reptile.

I had a gallbladder attack that I'm at least ten years too young for. Old people get gallbladder attacks, not youngish women such as myself.

In case you've never had one and you are approximately my age, here are the signs:

• Severe abdominal inflation for several hours after eating fatty or greasy food.
• Sharp pain under right rib cage. Feels like a runner's stitch.
• Corresponding severe pain and pressure under your right shoulder blade.
• Nausea and vomiting.
• Fire from Hell acid reflux.
• Lots of unladylike belching and other unmentionable gas leaks with no relief.

I've been having problems for months with various foods, but thought I had just grown severely allergic to nuts, cheese, olive oil, salad dressing, donuts, red meat, chocolate, potato chips, alcohol, and too many other foods to name. So I cut them all out.

Then I went on my little fried chicken orgy Tuesday (with a side of macaroni and cheese, plus green beans with fatback.) Now I know what all those foods have in common. Fat. I can no longer digest a lot of fat. Fuck my life, now what am I going to do for fun?

Besides psychological enlightenment; I know now where my gallbladder is, what it does, and by next week will know how much more of my life we'll be spending together.

I also will have to find a new over indulgence besides fried chicken. I can rule out food and alcohol pretty much. I have too many clothes now. If I become a pot head, it's going to piss me off not to be able to satisfy my munchies. I have enough pills to try to keep up with, so scratch that too.

Luckily I got a new catalog in the mail today. It's from a company called "Time for Me". It's dedicated to the art of my well-being. It's filled with anti-aging products, supplements, menopause relief, sexy lace trimmed incontinence panties (really), and really unique sex toys.

And I'm pre-approved up to $400.00.

I have to go shop now.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva