Scandal Of The County

"What did you do all afternoon?", I asked my friend Miss Scarlett yesterday. I was sitting out on my back porch sipping (slugging back) a glass ( a Big Gulp) of wine (Benzinger 2006 Sauvignon Blanc, excellently crisp and refreshing).

"I did some yard work with my clothes on.", she replied artlessly, as though it were an unusual thing to wear clothes while edging one's lawn or weeding flower beds.

It's about time she put some clothes on, she's been scandalizing her little neighborhood for a year now with her shameless nudity.

A little history is necessary here.

Last year my friend found an adorable little house in a very small town that shall remain unnamed to protect what's left of her reputation. The best part of her new house was the gorgeous pool in the back yard, which made up for the fact that the interior looked like it had been remodeled by HGTV addicted meth heads.

So Miss Scarlett bought her dream home and called me one hot August evening to let me know she had just taken her first nude swim in her new pool. I expressed a bit of concern, as her home is on a street populated with senior citizens and all the homes are very close together.

She blew off my concern by explaining that she had a "privacy" fence.

So the next weekend she was ready to start receiving people at her new home. She gave me directions to it, stressing that her home was the only one on the street without a handicapped ramp in front. Though comfortably middle-aged, she's the youngest person on the block.

Standing in her back yard, I couldn't help but notice that her fence was not very private. I could easily see in both of her neighbor's windows. Which meant they could see in.

Again she dismissed my concerns. The nude swimming then evolved into naked encounters in the pool with inappropriate (but fun) men. Then there was nude mowing (with close toed shoes on at least). Then nude reading and nude telephoning of friends to talk for hours, all done in her au natural plus maybe a little mosquito spray.

I tried to intervene when she was spraying weeds sans protective clothing. "At least put a face mask on", I urged "you don't want those chemicals leeching into your skin." But alas, my pleas fell on deaf and naked ears.

Until last Saturday morning.

Then Miss Beulah came a knockin' on the door. She's Miss Scarlett's nice Methodist neighbor. She's a godly woman, but luckily a bit more liberal than the Church of Christ group that populates the rest of the neighborhood. Her daughter begged her not to approach Miss Scarlett, but Miss Beulah felt it was high time to say something.

Apparently the whole neighborhood has been watching her frolicking around naked for the last year. You can see over the "privacy" fence and through it. People use the little side street as a cut through to the main part of town and now there are cars constantly driving on their street, putting little old people at risk of being run down. Foot traffic in the evening has increased dramatically. The military base near her home has changed the flight pattern of it's planes and now is patrolling the airspace over her house.

Sermons are being preached about her, children are being warned, and the fine, upstanding matrons of her town are having a field day.

She has essentially become the equivalent of a Drive-In. No one needs movies or the Internet for porn any more, they have a free peep show nightly.

She was utterly and understandably appalled. We met for dinner and copious amounts of alcohol just to work through the shame. "I'll have to buy a bathing suit", she said with great reluctance, "and I really like swimming naked. Now I'll have to turn my air conditioning up."

I disagreed, just buy a cover up and slip into the pool with more discretion. But no more naked yard work, that was dangerous as hell anyway. One slip of the week whacker and you could be in serious trouble. Since you would run into everyone you know down at South Georgia Medical Center's emergency room, think of the story you would have to make up to justify your injury.

But I would not for a minute give up the pleasure of plunging into an ice cold pool every evening after work for anything. Let them stare, she looks great anyway. I did suggest charging a little something to help cover the bills, times are hard enough without giving free entertainment to an entire community. I hear a rumor they are starting to come in from Tifton for the weekend show.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva