Have FUPA, Will Travel

FUPA: noun. A slang acronym commonly used by the United States military to describe a protruding lower abdominal area on a woman. Literally translates to

"Fat Upper Pussy Area." Becomes more pronounced at menopause and is almost impossible to get rid of without surgery.

Ex: "Damn bro; that bitch is supersized, she's like a FUPA-pottamus."

Someone is going around my husband's work place spray painting "FUPA" on walls. He told me about it the other night and we began to discuss who might be the "Phantom FUPA" artist. I sent him on a mission the next day to gather photos for me. Here's another one:

FUPA's popping up everywhere. He thinks it's a bunch of young guys and I completely disagree. Guys spray paint such timeless classics as "Pussy" or "Titties". The word "Suck" or "Sux" usually is depicted with one of the first words. Sometimes they draw exaggerated sex organs, or acts they would like to perform with somebody or somebodies.

But no one lusts after the FUPA. I just don't see anyone missing one so badly that they should feel the need to spray paint their desire to fondle one on a concrete wall in a foreign country.

Here's my theory: somewhere out there in the desert is a poor middle aged woman going through the change. She's working over there as there are no jobs here. She's stuck for months at a time with other contractors and assorted military personnel. And might I add there is nothing more fun in the world than to work with a majority of guys. If you put too many guys in one place without women to keep them from acting like animals, they can be rather unpleasant to work with.

So she's having hot flashes in 120 degree weather. I guarantee you that the base exchange probably doesn't sell Estroven or black cohosh. Or even Midol. She has no where to perform basic grooming functions like the hair, nail, or skin salon. There is no masseuse, no yoga classes, no spray tan.

There is no where to get waxed.

You can't use the gym because it's filled with a bunch of pumped up muscleheads.

There is no where that sells Spanx, not that you would want to be encased in spandex in that sort of heat anyway.

And every time she passes a group of guys she hears the dreaded word that separates the girls from the women.

"FUPA"

I would crack under this sort of pressure too. I think defacing government property is a wonderful outlet for that sort of psychological torment. I'll bet there's a whole pack of them running around with spray paint after dark. My husband claims it's too dangerous to run or exercise outdoors at night there because of jackals, but I think it really might be the Phantom FUPA that scares him more.

That would make a wonderful suburban legend. Sort of like a crazed maenad or a scary North Fulton ALTA wife, but in comfortable shoes and elastic waist pants (when work is over, she still has some dignity).

Actually it sounds like a wonderful cathartic exercise. I may run up to the dollar store and buy my own spray paint. If a group of us get together on this, we could FUPA the entire country. Then I'm sending one to Hilary Clinton so that she can spray paint it on the Capitol steps in honor of women everywhere. You know she's hiding a FUPA under those long jackets.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva