Emergency Plan In Place

On the phone the other night with my BF--let's just go ahead and call her...say....Lola (which is actually her name and saves me from coming up with a pseudonym that I'll forget), we went over the emergency plan that we made if anything catastrophic should ever happen to one of us.


It's always good to be prepared for the unexpected.


She's divorced and my husband works overseas, so we do worry that something could happen to us and that no one will find out for days. Her daughter is far away at college and my son is not particularly observant, so we check in on each other daily just in case.

Here is our emergency plan so far:

• If for some reason one of us should be abducted or go missing, our true weight and age are not to be announced on national media. Lola called this to my attention one evening when a missing woman was described on our local news affiliate as "47, around 5'1", and approximately 175 pounds." "Would you just die if your weight was blasted all over South Georgia?" she asked in the most horrified tone ever, "I don't even have the real number on my driver's licence." I, on the other hand, have been lying about my age for so long even I'm not sure how old I am. Same with my weight. According to my licence I weight 110, which is what I weighed the year I got my learner's permit. So we have agreed to lie like hell if we should ever have to give a description of the other to the police. It's not like they're going to weigh our cold, dead body to verify our identity in a situation like that. Men aren't good with guessing weight anyway, that's why they always buy you those too small panties on gift giving occasions.

• The removal of all sex toys before mothers and children are allowed in the house. This will be easy for her if she has to come to my house. I have only one, just bury it down in the garbage before my next of kin descends on the scene. Luckily I took the mirror off the ceiling years ago because I got tired of various family members looking appalled when they visited my husband and I. She, on the other hand, is a bit more adventurous. Actually, she's a lot more adventurous. I did however get her to organize her toys into one large box, so that I can dispose of everything expediently. I don't want to be running around in front of her mother trying to hide hand cuffs under my shirt or pretending that I always carry a whip in my purse.

• A fabulous outfit for our pre-funeral viewing, plus hair and makeup. I have requested that she go in my closet and find me a tasteful dress, shoes, and handbag (yes I wish to have my purse with me in the afterlife--we all have quirks), but she is not under any circumstances to allow my husband to put me in the ground wearing thong underpants.. Like many men, he loves them and I endure them, but I do not wish to spend my personal eternity with my panties up my ass. She, being wholly different than myself, has requested to go to her final reward looking as slutty as possible. I'm to pick out one of her "costumes" and make sure her hair is breathtakingly large, even if it requires a longer coffin. If sex in the afterlife is possible, she's planning on lots of it. I assume I will be hiding a few toys in the coffin as well, but I'll have to clarify this extra detail with her.

If any of you have emergency plans in place, I would love to hear them. We know there are probably details we haven't even thought of yet, but are always adding to our plan as we go.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva