Crisis In Self Consciousness

Most people don't realize that even on a good day, pharmaceutically speaking, it's difficult for me to leave the house and go mingle with other people. I do it, but some days are worse than others. Unfortunately I can't anticipate my bad days, so event planning for me is a nightmare. I have severe social anxiety combined with a plethora of self esteem issues that are getting bigger and worse with every passing year. The worst part of this is that not only do people not know this about me, but if I do share it, then they don't believe it.

I had this conversation with my doctor last week, at least as much of a deep conversation as I am able to have with someone. She was stunned that I have self esteem issues because I'm attractive, at least to other people. We were looking to increase my dosage of anti-anxiety medication because now my social isolationism has extended to telephone use. I can't answer or talk on the phone, it's overwhelming to me. I can handle the gym (I have headphones on, so am insulated from people) and grocery stores in areas that I'm not likely to have to socially encounter people that I know. Most people that encounter me just assume I'm extremely unfriendly or a super bitch. I get that label quite often. I suppose that if I looked like a stereotypical social introvert it would help matters, but I don't. When I do share my feelings of self consciousness with people, I get the eye rolling typical response of "Why would you be self conscious about anything?"

Luckily I was able to find a mate with the same anxiety issues that I have. Where I'm socially inept, he has raised it to an art of almost social autism. On the rare occasions anyone has ever seen us out in public, we are the couple sitting silently by ourselves. Thankfully the Teenager is nothing like either of us, he has an errant extrovert gene and knows everyone in town

So yesterday I am just being racked by waves of panic, but I had to push through it because I needed to return some DVD's and pick up some cleaning products. On a bad day, I find that I can go out as long as I don't actually make eye contact with anyone. However I ran into an old acquaintance, someone I hadn't seen in years. I didn't recognize her and kept trying to pretend I didn't see her waving at me. She came over to me and WAS SO HAPPY to see me (whoever she was). I kept nodding as she talked while trying to figure out who she was and maybe even come up with a name. I glanced at her daughter, trying to figure out if she had been in any of my library programs before.

I stood there trying to stay with the conversation this woman was bombarding me with, when it occurred to me that she was obviously in way worse psychological shape than me, and really just needed someone to listen to her. Then I remembered who she was. I met her two or so years ago when she had first moved to this area. She had changed so much during the ensuing years that I didn't recognize her. Life had not been very good to her here. Her mother had a massive stroke and now was utterly dependant on her. Her business had failed and she's been unable to find another job. She almost lost her home to foreclosure and now is hanging on to it by a thread.

She was unrecognizable as the bouncy and enthusiastic woman I met a few years ago.

I let her talk almost an hour, she was almost breathless with the relief of talking to a friendly (if she only knew) person. It wasn't so much friendliness on my part as it was the panic I was experiencing at being cornered. She finally stopped and apologized for being so depressing, so I reassured her that she was fine.

And I meant it. I had managed to relax and start listening to her, even making eye contact every now and then. She has no support system here at all, and I feel bad that I can't really provide one for her. I too was a bouncy and enthusiastic woman that moved here eight years ago. I feel a little like the Katherine Ross character in "Stepford Wives". I don't really fit in, so at least I can fly under the small town radar. There's a heavy cost to that protective camouflage though, I'm the glazed walking proof of that.

My advice was to move as soon as possible. Sell everything, call a few favors in from family back home and make them help you load some stuff in a truck. Run for your life while you can. We've been trying to relocate for years and always at the eleventh hour some barrier comes up and the move is canceled again.

She haunted me the rest of the day. I can only assume I was thrown in her path for a reason, but the thought of me helping someone else in a crisis is almost laughable at this point. We exchanged numbers and I meant it when I asked her to go to dance class in Tallahassee on Saturday. I normally only do things by myself or with the Teenager, so this might be subject for a new post, "Anxiety Ridden Agoraphobe Spends The Day With Her Depressed New Friend".

That actually should be an interesting one.

Love and Kisses (from a distance),

Cult Diva