My BF called me yesterday while she was waiting in the drive thru at Wendy's to bitch about her latest sex toy. She has a huge collection and is trying to petition our local sex shop into giving her a frequent shopper discount. I suggested a part time position there as she is probably more familiar with their merchandise than the staff.
Last week she had purchased a whole collection of pink toys, I can only assume she is working on color coordinating her sex life. She was annoyed with the store because they wouldn't take the toy out of the package and turn it on so that she could gauge the speed and degree of vibration. They don't do that here in Valdosta and seemed shocked she would even ask such a thing.
So she calls me to tell me she's just furious because she found out her new toy is seriously deficient in the power department. She had purchased a little number called the "Pink Tango Mini G Spot Teaser" and her biggest complaint seemed to be that it ran on 2 cylinders, when she is at least a 6 cylinder sort of girl.
I had to explain patiently to her that at our advanced age, little cutesy toys just don't cut it anymore. Butterflies, pocket rockets, any toy shaped like an adorable woodland creature, flowers, ladybugs, these are for twenty somethings. If it has "My First" in the title, it is not for the over forty set, because the only first we haven't had at our age is Our First Colonoscopy.
I suggested from now on that she shop for toys with noun/adjective combinations that include: massive, punisher, power, ravager, deluxe, jumbo, banger, deep, turbo, or rough rider. I even found a great site simply called "Vibrators" that had some pretty unique toys. My favorite was one called the "iBuzz".
Read the description: Rock out and get off with the iBuzz. The iBuzz combines two of the best technological advances of the 21st century: mP3 players and vibrators. The iBuzz vibrates to the beat of your favorite songs and vibrates stronger the louder you play them.
Wow. The two best technological advances of the 21st century combined. Who would have thunk it?
The only problem with this one is that I would have to have the Teenager set it up for me as I'm a techno-tard, and this will NEVER happen. Many years back he found my lone marital aide and my husband and I convinced him it was a cat toy. Since we couldn't rip it out of his curious little hands without him knowing we were totally lying to him, we had to watch in horrified parental silence while he terrorized our cats by trying to hold a vibrator to their sides. He finally got bored with them running away from him and left it on the coffee table, where we were able to retrieve it and hide it far, far away from him.
One of our cats still freaks out when she hears any sort of buzzing sound.
It must have been some sort of karmic payback for stealing batteries from his toys for our toy. We made sure to have our own hidden supply of double A's after that.
Love and Kisses,
Cult Diva
Posts
4 comments:
I definitely suggest the Hitachi Magic Wand for your friend. If you can't come with that one, you have more serious issues. Pair that with some type of internal g-spot vibrator and well Mr. Peach Tart will need to do an intervention.
On another note laughing at the teenager finding the vibrator...when my daughter found mine the first time 10 years ago...I told her I had major sinus and allergy issues and just using the vibration on my face cured the horrible debilitating sinus headaches that kept me from being a total bitch to her. Unfortunately, that only worked a few years until she got wise to the real purpose.
hahaha - LOVE this post - the part with your son and the cats is classic!
I too was disappointed with recent purchases as I am now a member of the 40'ers. I am sticking with the back messager I have - it is a bit cumbersome, however, no batteries (its electric), it cranks, and I am a seasoned pro! When in the mood, I combine it with one of those amateurish toys for an added bonus.
My friend Chris went on and on about The Butterfly so I finally mustered the courage to go into a sex shop and buy one. He didn't TELL me there are, like, 90 different kinds of the darn thing.
On one of mom's rehab stints, I had to pack up her apartment to put in storage. My BFF came to help and we embarrassingly ran across mom's sex toy bunker. Ewwww. I couldn't buy her enough food at lunch. Or hand sanitizer.
HA! My BF and I have an emergency plan in place in case either of us should experience an untimely demise. She keeps hers all in a box that I am to get rid of before her mom gets there. Mine is in the lingerie drawer, just toss it in the garbage. Neither of us have wills yet, but we do have sex toy contingency plans.
Post a Comment