I don't know how many of you watched "The Early Show" this morning, but they had one of their classic moments that make watching the show bearable. Apparently in high pageant queen drama, the Miss California pageant funded homophobe Carrie Prejean's big, new silicone breasts. It's important to have big boobies when you're in a scholarship pageant because you will use those melons later to mesmerize professors in the classes you aren't doing well in. Or help you get ahead in your career.
Maggie Rodriguez thoroughly reamed The Miss California pageant co-director, Keith Lewis, on air about why Carrie Prejean needed implants to compete for the Miss USA title. Wasn't the pageant about scholastic aptitude and philanthropy? He stayed really cool through the whole interrogation and managed to say nothing really. I wish she had interviewed Shanna Moekler instead, because she's so well spoken and articulate.
But I got something really important out of all of this; you can get pageants to fund your plastic surgery. I immediately got out my "pretty wishlist" and pulled up a list of Georgia pageants so that I could get a head start on trolling for plastic surgery funding ahead of all the other opportunistic bitches out there.
I started with the Hello Kitty pageant; held around June in Cochran, GA. I love Hello Kitty and figured anyone associated with the pageant would probably be at least as immature as I am. I got the phone number of the pageant's director and called her right away. Never mind that it's seven in the morning, my needs are more important than whatever she was doing at the moment.
When she finally answered, I introduced myself and made sure that women my age could enter, it did say "all ages". She seemed taken aback, but quickly recovered her aging pageant queen grace and qualified me. I asked her if they had a program for assisting needy contestants and she said that within reason they could probably help me with my physical concerns.
So I told her about my FUPA. For those of you that missed my post about menopause, a FUPA is an acronym meaning "Fat Upper Pussy Area". You know, that awful pot sticking out from under your bellybutton. I was thinking of a mini tummy tuck with a little liposuction to get rid of it.
The phone line went dead, and I hit re-dial right away because she didn't have my phone number to call me back. She picked up the phone and screamed some ugly words at me that I didn't know former pageant queens knew and HUNG UP.
I'll bet she never won "Miss Congeniality".
Maybe I asked for something too expensive, after all we are in a recession.
So next I called the Miss Portal Turpentine pageant director. In staying with the "portal" theme, I explained I would feel better about myself if I had a little vaginoplasty to tighten up my portal, so to speak. No one wants a beauty queen gliding down the runway with a bad case of the queefs.
She too hung up on me. Maybe she's just worried about the swine flu pandemic; it's obvious her mind was elsewhere this morning. These people need to get their priorities straight.
So I tried a pageant a little closer to home, the Miss Enigma Firecracker pageant. Enigma is a really small town of about two hundred closely related people up in Irwin county. Though I'm not an albino, and don't have hemophilia or crossed eyes, I was hoping I had a chance to get in anyway. This time I would ask for something small, as it's a pretty poor community.
I mentioned that the skin tags popping up on my neck like mushrooms were bothering me, and could they help me get rid of them? The director of this pageant was actually pretty nice and took time out of her busy day running the take out window at the Dairy Queen to talk to me for a while. She gave me the number of the town's veterinarian/taxidermist, as he did minor surgery in his spare time and she could get me at least twenty percent off.
Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. I'm headed out the door now. He mentioned I should bring my own soldering iron for sanitary purposes, whatever that means.
Please wish me luck as I get ready to compete for Miss Enigma Firecracker, I'm counting on your support.
For a full and hilarious look at The Today Show transcript, check The Huffington Post article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/01/miss-californias-breast-i_n_194385.htmlLove and Kisses,
Cult Diva
Posts
I may not reside in Georgia, but I'll be damned if someone can defeat you in a "firecracker" competition.
ReplyDeleteThat Miss California revelation is just too amazing. Oh, the irony. Not that I fault her or anyone for plastic surgery - far from it - but . . .
Cult Diva,
ReplyDeleteI was laughing my ass off reading this which is a good thing because it has gotten a little wide lately. I have really been looking for some helping getting rid of the FUPA also so let me know if you get any leads of on a pageant director that can help with that. Also, if you find one that will help with the sagging extra couple of chins, I could use a little nip and tuck there.
Where do they come up with theses names? As if adding the word 'firecracker' makes it more exciting! But dumb people may get confused and think it's a pageant for redheads with STDs.
ReplyDeleteI think the firecracker thing is not to make it more exciting, but because those fools up in Enigma love to burn shit down. Primarily the folks over in Omega's pot fields.
ReplyDeleteOr it's the sound of their own meth labs blowing up.
It's a weird place.