Master Cleanse vs. Masturbate

In case anyone missed me, I did survive my first three days on a raw foods cleanse. Last Friday I impulsively decided to go on a juice fast similar to the Master Cleanse, so this entailed the actual purchase of a juicer, plus hunting down organic fruits and vegetables to stuff down the juicer. I also needed things like Detox Tea, Pro-Greens, various other supplements, and a supply of trashy vampire erotica so that I could peacefully unwind and rid my body of toxins in the privacy of my own home.

Never mind the fact that I would be disturbing the delicate ecosystem of caffeine, alcohol, and barbiturates that comprise my daily existence. I planned on a very zen sort of weekend and figured I would be enlightened in some way that people could actually see. I was so hoping that everyone that saw me by Monday would exclaim over my glowing healthiness. Instead I dragged around looking like I perhaps had the first strain of swine flu. The only enlightenment I actually got was that I cannot survive well without caffeine. I never realized that about 50% of my personality is actually derived from it. But the horrendous headache is almost gone and I can now bear the bright light coming from my computer monitor.

Anyway, in my chemical deprived state I thought about the physical benefits of Master Cleansing vs. masturbating. Chalk it up to hallucinogenic thinking, but believe it or not my mind wanders in odd directions occasionally.

There is not as much research on the benefits of masturbating on the Internet as you would think. Here's what I came up with:

• Relieves depression and stress.
• Helps prevent prostate cancer in men.
• Helps stimulate the immune system.
• Helps with insomnia.
• Leads to higher self worth.

Okay. Well, according to that list I should be a happy, relaxed, healthy, well-rested woman with high self esteem.

But instead I am subsisting on juice and miso to achieve nirvana, at least this week. Next week will probably be something else as I do have a rather short attention span.

However my body will be toxin and chemical free in a few days which could be a good thing. Or not. Perhaps like a modern Dorian Gray without my preservatives I shall start to rapidly march toward my real age. All my beautiful evil going up in a puff of smoke. Discussing it last night with my Evil BF, she did say she would have spent the money on a new toy, maybe even one with on board attachments, as opposed to a juicer, but it is our differences that make us friends.

One more glass of beet juice before bed, I'll pretend it's a pomegranate martini or something.

Love and kisses,

Cult Diva