Girl, you got some drama going on, and the best solution for drama is a spa day. So get your cell phone out (hopefully they processed that payment already), and call some of your peeps to join you. Brittney, Amber, and Krystal need a little fun too. Plus, Amber is old enough to buy wine coolers, and you'll need them for the full spa experience!
Now give the kids some Poptarts and Sunny Delight, drive them to the paved road to catch the school bus and hustle on back to the trailer. We've got work to do!
8:00-Hair. Get a L'Oreal Chunking Kit to give your hair some colorful dimension. The four of you can share this. Take turns painting the formula on each other's bangs and the top layer of hair. Let it sit on for about 30 minutes or so, then rinse out in the sink. Towel dry hair. Next you will need a deep conditioning treatment. In a bowl mix: one cup of Duke's Mayonnaise and 1/2 a cup of Budweiser. Massage through hair and cover with a shower cap. The treatment can remain on your hair while you do the rest of your spa treatments.
8:50-Smoke break
9:00-Waxing. You might want to have your first wine cooler right about now and if you have any Oxycontin, this is the time to take it. There's a really good bikini waxing kit at the Wal-Mart made by Surgi-Wax. You and your friends will need to get naked from the waist down. Make sure nobody is filming it on their phone for their old man either. This isn't the sort of girl on girl action that anyone sane would want to watch. Microwave wax and apply to bikini area. Here's a little tip you need: if you haven't cleaned up in a while, borrow your old man's goatee trimmer and cut the foliage down to 1/2 an inch. It's going to hurt worse than hell if the hair is any longer. Pick names to see who's pulling who's wax off, you cannot do this yourself. It's worse than getting bubble gum out of little Cheyenne's hair. If any of your posse is artistic then try to do a "South Georgia" style wax. It's a basic Brazilian except with the Browning logo front and center. Your man will lose his mind when he sees it! He'll probably want to take a picture for Beaver Hunt and Guns 'n Ammo. Here's a copy of the logo to use as a stencil:
9:50-Smoke break.
10:00 Waxing is hard work. Take a break for another wine cooler and some pork rinds. Here's a little homemaker tip to make snack time festive. You'll need Dixie cups and Cool Whip containers. The day before your spa experience, dress them up with some stickers and write your friends' names in glitter glue across the front. It's tacky to drink wine coolers out of a bottle, and nothing screams "class" like matching china. Each lady can have her own cup and a bowl of rinds. Pass out some frozen vegetables to use as ice packs for your newly waxed lady parts and set around healing while watching "Judge Judy". Whoever has a relative on that day gets an extra wine cooler.
10:50-Smoke break.
11:00-Body Wraps and Skin Care. First you need to steam! Drag Baby Tiffany's humidifier into the bathroom. Cover all windows with a plastic drop cloth to keep the steam in. Everybody wrap up in a towel and find a seat on the floor, toilet, or side of tub. Close the door and fold up a towel to place across the door gap. You don't want any steam escaping. Sit around and talk shit about everybody that's not in the room for at least thirty minutes. Then off to the mud bath. Fill little Travis' kiddie pool with some dirt and use your hose to mix in enough water to form a goopy mixture. Everybody in, don't forget your smokes! Try not to get ashes in the mud, that's gross. Set in there another thirty minutes and talk about world politics and the current global economic meltdown. Just kidding! Talk about what a tool K-Fed is and how happy you are that Brit-Brit is making a comeback. Hose off mud, then dry off and coat your skin in Crisco. You probably want it at room temperature. Wrap yourself mummy style in plastic wrap and sit around for thirty more minutes talking shit about your old man's family. Take a shower afterward to get rid of all that Crisco and your mayonnaise/beer hair mask. Using a Scotchgard pad, scrub all the dead skin away. Make sure everyone has their own pad. Now it's time for spray tans. Using the drop cloth you had on the window, have each guest stand on it while you take turns spraying Banana Boat Summer Color Self Tanning Mist on each other. Remember to let it dry before getting dressed.
12:30-Smoke break.
1:00-Spa Lunch. Set your dinette table with a buffet of good eats! Here's a few suggestions: Fish sticks, Hamburger Helper (the Chili-Mac is especially festive), tater tots, an iceberg lettuce salad mix (with carrots) liberally drenched in Ranch dressing, and for dessert Little Debbie snack cakes (Oatmeal Cream Pie). Make sure you have plenty of Diet Coke available. Just rinse the Dixie cups out, but make sure you don't wash off the glitter glue.
1:50-Smoke break.
2:00-Facial Peels. Hopefully while you were in the shower you scrubbed your face with the Scotchgard pad too. Make a mixture of 2 packets of Goody's powder, 1 tablespoon of warm water, and 1 teaspoon of honey. Apply to face and let sit for ten minutes. Rinse and enjoy your glowing skin. Hope to god that glow isn't another pregnancy.
2:10-Smoke break.
2:30-Mani/Pedi time. Have an assortment of Lee Press-On Nails available for guests. Preferably in glamour length. Last week while you were at the laundrette someone left a back issue of "OK" magazine that predicted blue was this season's "hot" nail color. Match your toe nails to it, and apply cute decals over the dry polish.
3:00-Smoke break.
3:10-Blow dry hair and apply make-up to newly fabulous self. Take turns admiring each other's transformations. You look best though, especially with your new Jessica Simpson clip-in hair extensions that you got on sale. They're a little lighter than your own hair, but it's not too noticeable.
3:30-Last smoke break as you wave goodbye to your friends. Hopefully one of them will have the manners to remember to thank you via MySpace later. Or at least text it.
4:00-Drive back to the paved road to meet kids at bus. Hurry home to catch "Oprah".
Enjoy the rest of your day!
Love and Kisses,
Cult Diva
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