Justify My Love

Remember those wonderful late Sunday afternoon calls to your best friend; you know the ones where you described in detail your latest Saturday night hookup? Usually the best part of the evening (and following morning) was not the sex, but the mental gymnastics involved in justifying to yourself exactly why you choose to hookup with a complete stranger in the first place. Once you had worked that out, then you get to call your closest confidant so that she can not only share the dirty details, but can totally support whatever excuse you have given yourself to prove exactly why having hot animalistic sex with a total stranger that you will hopefully never see again does not make you a tramp.

Here's a petite snippet of a conversation between two friends now:

"Oh my God, he was huge. And when he was done doing that way, he grabbed my ankles and held me upside down and did it that way too for like an hour. He's like 6'7" or something, so I didn't bust my head open. I am so glad I took that yoga class that morning!"

"Are you going to see him again?"

Long pause.....

"Mmmmm, probably not. He's like an exchange student from Iceland or Greenland or some place like that. He and his team were only in town for one night. And his English wasn't so good, so we didn't really exchange numbers or anything. Do you know how much it is to call Iceland? I mean seriously, you know I would never do anything like that normally. I never hook up like that, but sometimes you just have to live, right?"

The exchange student excuse! It's a classic that never goes out of fashion. Here are a few more, see if you have used any of these yourself (and if you have some truly original ones, please email them to me!)

• I was sooooooo drunk.
• The band was really good.
• He was the lead singer.
• I was out of town on: Spring Break, family reunion, business conference, funeral, swinger's convention, church camp. Everyone knows out of town sex does not make one a slut.
• Traveling overseas. This counts twice as much as out of town sex. You may not remember their name, but at least you will remember what country you where in--hopefully.
• He was a really good dancer, and you know what that means.
• The visiting foreigner factor. A man with an accent may be ordinary in his own country, but becomes a total hottie stud when traveling abroad. This totally explains why for many years the sun never set on the British Empire.
• Revenge/Grudge sex never counts, ever.

By now you are probably wondering why I am posting about relationships this morning, I normally only deal with fashion, beauty, ect. I promise you, I do have a point to make. Forget justifying cheap sex anymore, hopefully we're all past that anyway.

In today's grim economy we will be forced to justify being fabulous. Horrible as it is, some of us will feel guilty when we buy necessities such as La Mer or Louboutin's. Just remember, the economic forcast is ugly, but that's no excuse for you to look tacky.

A few months ago I was shopping with a dear friend and while perusing shoes (which are a weakness for me), I picked up a pretty pair and put them back after seeing the price tag. "I've decided to start an austerity program." I explained loftily to my friend, while looking and sounding oh so sincere. I felt so virtuous putting those shoes back! Like I had suddenly sprouted wings and a beautiful glowing halo. Very Mother Teresa like, except better dressed and without chin hairs. Sadly she ruined my exalted moment by laughing until she wet herself, the mean bitch. According to her, a family of four could live off of my idea of austerity. I cannot imagine why we are still friends, if I wanted the someone to bust my bubble I would just shop with my mother instead.

So now ladies, we will be forced to justify our love of the pretty. I've said before, there are just some things I am not willing to compromise on. My skincare/anti-aging products are one of them. I can't see buying hundreds of dollars worth of cheap products when my dermatologist sells great ones that actually work. Same for eye cream. Botox is much cheaper in the long run these days than eye creams that don't actually do anything for your crow's feet. I have begun a list of shopping justifications so that I can feel better about myself when I see all the poor people being thrown out of their foreclosed homes. Please avail yourself of these as needed:

• I am doing my part to stimulate the economy by keeping this store from having to go into bankruptcy and close forever.
• I hate to see my manicurist, hairstylist, dermatologist, plastic surgeon, personal trainer, ect. suffer. They're people too.
• I keep people's morale up by wearing a brave face with my new Tibi shirt. It has bright colors in it and scientific studies prove that bright colors make people happy.
• Quality always over quantity. This is a no brainer.
• Good clothes are classic clothes. They last longer and you can recycle them a few seasons later. I have a gorgeous Lilly Rubin (if you remember that store) skirt that is probably 20-25 years old and is as chic as the day I first acquired it.
• I had a few glasses of wine at lunch and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
• I also took a Xanax with the wine and you know that makes me shopping giddy.
• I was in a foreign country. P.S. Dubai is the place for this. I suck at math, so when I did the AED to Dollar conversion in my head I was getting wonderful buys. My husband on the other hand was getting chest pains. Shame he doesn't have a script for Xanax, it does wonders for anxiety!
• Revenge/Grudge shopping never counts, ever.
• I needed something to go with those fabulous new shoes. You can't wear cheap clothes with Donald Pliner sandals, right? It's just not right.
• It's black, I can wear it with everything.
• It was on sale. And you're probably telling the truth on this. Neiman's, Saks, and everyone else are having huge sales. I still could kick my own ass for not buying the D&G skirt and blouse at Neiman's last December.
• For you single gals: new lover clothes. It's not like you have an appetite anyway.

I could keep going on all day. The important thing here is to learn to love yourself and more importantly to forgive yourself. Just for you, and you only I have included my very own serenity prayer for you to utilize when needed. If you like, print it out on a little card and tuck it into your wallet next to your Amex.

Cult Diva, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot charge;

the courage to charge the things I can get away with;

and the wisdom to hide the shopping bags until my husband leaves for work.

Peace and love;

Cult Diva