I Want An Action Figure Too.

Lara Croft, Elastigirl, Wonder Woman, Storm, Tank Girl.

and

"The Flash" aka the world's first menopausal superheroine.

Able to sweat through sheets, t-shirts, and expensive bras in a nanosecond.
Can leap to negative conclusions with a single misunderstood remark.
Laughs, cries, and pees pants--all at the same time.
Now understands why anyone watches Lifetime television.
Can microwave food for a crowd by holding it for a few minutes when "flashing".
Runs the full gamut of human emotions in record time. Several times a day.
Sugar has become like kryptonite.
Tells the same story over and over to girlfriends. But it's okay, they probably don't remember they heard it the first time either.
Has so many personalities that husband/significant other thinks they are having a torrid affair with lots of bitchy and demanding women. They're exhausted just looking at you.

I want my action figure to come with a remote control too (that my husband and son will break or lose it within a week.) The controls will make the Flash have real sweat during "power surges", cry inappropriately, bloat, and sigh aloud over nothing. In her hand bag can be little bottles of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, a little jar of progesterone cream, an extra bra when the old one is sweat soaked, and maybe an airplane bottle size of vodka for emergencies. Since the doll will be based on me of course, give her a blank yet pleasant sort of face, as you know there are many expressions I simply can't make anymore.

I started thinking about all of this while I was standing in line to check out in Wal-Mart. Now remember I have a real thing for Viggo Mortensen and in my hormone deprived brain I believe that he will appear magically in Valdosta one day, see me, and then take me away from all of this. Kind of like the Rapture except I'll be the only one taken.

Anyway, I do try to stay prepared for the Viggo-ture, but today would have been the day I would have been left behind. I had taken a shower after my hours of working out, but had on what my son calls a "crazy cat lady" shirt. Yes, I know I'm one cat away from an intervention, but you know how I feel about abandoned pets. I also was sporting crazy gym lady hair, cleverly disguised in a sweaty scrunchie and ugly shorts that the Teenager outgrew. However it was the contents of my cart that would have caused him to run in terror from me.

I was a walking menopause stereotype. Here's what I had:

• Estroven, the maximum strength version for night.
• Progesterone Cream-labeled "the Menopause Formula" in really big letters. I guess that was just in case a twenty or thirty something year old accidentally grabbed it thinking it was an "intimacy enhancement cream".
• Vitamin E, the 1000 IU gel capsules.
• Replens. Not going there today. You know why.
• Donut holes. I pretend they're for my son.
• Pretzel sticks. I pretend I will eat them instead of donut holes.
• Sugar free Jello. The twelve pack. Cold and sweet, love it. May start wearing in bra.
• New toilet paper roll holder. Menopause has caused me to start sleep walking again. The last time I did that was when I was a teenager. In my sleepwalking, I think I may have flushed the old one down the toilet or thrown it away. I "dreamed" about doing that and lo and behold it was missing in the morning. I have not started sleep eating, at least I don't think so anyway. I haven't found half eaten food in weird places; like bookshelves or closets. Maybe that's why I can't seem to lose weight though. Hmmmmm....
• Huge container of organic Greek yogurt to regulate my digestive system.
• Bag of organic baby spinach. Impulse purchase.
• Viactiv calcium chews.
• Season six of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Got teary and angry because I don't have season three and five and will not spend $39.99 at Best Buys when they are only $14.99 at Wallyworld.
• Bottle of Pepsi Max. I thought it had calcium in it, but it had extra caffeine so that even more calcium could leak from my bones. If there had been some damn reading glasses for sale in the checkout lane shelves I could have read the little print myself.

This was the cart of a woman ready to party. With herself and perhaps a few of her other menopausal personalities.

I got up to the cashier and she looked over all my stuff as she was checking me out. Then she leaned forward and and softly asked "Are you going through menopause?" I thought of a million smart ass answers, but I did realize she was probably about my age and we girls need to bond. I did the international menopause hand symbol (hand fans rapidly at face) while nodding. She asked if the products I bought helped any and unfortunately I didn't have time to give her a full run down on surviving the physical aspects of menopause. You can ease the physical symptoms, but the best advice I can give is to have a good attitude about it. Laugh when you can, cry if you must, hide in the bathroom when irrationally angry for no damn reason. Try to focus on the positive aspects of menopause.

For me this has been an upsurge in creativity. I've always written, but I've never actually tried to get a career going with my scribblings. The last year has been a truly amazing time for me while I journey to become a published author. I have met so many helpful and supportive people, both in person and from the Internet. My whole focus has shifted away from the wife and mother aspect of my life and is going toward a wholly new persona that I am eager to nurture and watch develop. I see the same shift in my friends too; we all seem to be fulfilling personal dreams that were put on hold during the child raising years.

I like it. I may bitch about the sweaty sleeplessness, but the positive is that I get up and write when I can't sleep. Which helps with my new found carbohydrate/sugar addiction since I can't eat and type at the same time. At least not yet.

I read today that one billion women are going to go through menopause between 2005 and 2030. Has anyone considered that this might possibly be the reason behind global warming? I mean I feel bad for the polar bears losing their ice flows and all, but adapt all ready. If I can make peace with hell fire hot flashes then a few degrees increase in temperature should be nothing. Wait 'til some of those PETA bitches go through menopause. The polar bears won't get anymore sympathy then.

I also learned a new word today from my workout goddess, Karla. It's called "menopot" and it refers to that ugly pot that has developed between my bellybutton and mons pubis. I work out like a maniac and do hundreds of sit-ups, but it sticks around like a white trash relative. I never had heard that term before for the bulge. I called it the "FUPA", and for those of you that are not military spouses I will give you the definition of this oh so offensive acronym. "FUPA" stands for Fat Upper Pussy Area. Disgusting, yet apt. I have never had a totally flat stomach, but I hope my new menopot doesn't get any bigger than this because I don't want to have liposuction ever. Even I draw the line at that type of enhancement. Maybe I'll just try some shape wear. I hope they make it in a fabric that wicks sweat though. I still can't figure out how I can sweat out what feels like gallons of fluid at night and not weigh less in the morning.

Hunger is calling me now, so I am off to eat a high protein/low carbohydrate meal. I plan on emailing who ever is in charge of action figures at Mattel to start production on mine. Dammit if Jenna Jameson can have her own action figure, then so can I.

Love and Hot Flash Kisses,

Cult Diva