Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.......

Wanted: One single male between the ages of 38 and 48. Employed, healthy, intelligent, funny, and financially responsible. I am a gorgeous and sexy 40 something, financially independent, well traveled woman with everything wonderful to offer. I have lived, loved, and survived tragedy that would have driven anyone else to their knees, but despite this have retained a sense of gratitude and appreciation for life. I can't cook particularly well, but there's lots of ways to make men happy and I am good at those. I love adventure, and would love to take you skydiving, which is one of my favorite hobbies. Also, I also have big boobs if you're into that sort of thing.



In case you were wondering, this is not me. However it is an apt description of my single friend. Like my gay friend and my black friend, she is my sole source of all information on all things single. What a shame she's not gay and black, because that would save me so many late night phone calls!



Now, I've never been one of those women that hated being single (easy for me to say, I'm married now). I enjoyed all my single years and most of the dating adventures that I went on. Then I relocated to Valdosta for a job and began to hate being single. Without sounding horribly vain--okay, let's ditch the false modesty--I'm hot. Plus I was even hotter in my very late thirties when I moved here. I hadn't met anyone in Atlanta that I wanted to settle with, but I didn't spend my weekends alone either. There was an adequate smorgasbord of men always ready for me to choose from, and I chose quite often. So when I moved here and then didn't even have a date for TWO years, I began to have a little self confidence waver. Actually it was more like a full blown confidence meltdown. I don't particularly take my self confidence from how men react to me, but when they don't react at all, you do begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. Luckily I traveled out of town a lot with my job and men from other places seemed to like me just fine, so at least I realized it wasn't me.



Then I met my husband, who had just been stationed at Moody AFB and soon I was off the market permanently. I was so glad not to have to spend another lonely weekend here! Now I get to study singles from afar and feel tremendous compassion as they struggle to find "The One".



And the moral of this story is: It sucks to be single and over the age of thirty in Valdosta.



I read another blog occasionally, one written by a single woman in New York. She's in her forties too and claims to have a successful career in Human Resources. She also claims to date almost every night and that the nude silhouette in her header is her body. Personally I doubt all of this, mainly the fact that she goes on many dates and has time to post several times a day.



Now my friend (see ad above again, and if you have a nice man I will be happy to screen him for her--she's my friend and I am PICKY) goes out all the time. She's not one to sit home sulking on the couch waiting for a gentleman caller. She tried the online dating scene and had horrible near date experiences. Anyone who has ever tried an online dating service knows how bad it can be. One guy offered to take her fishing on the first date at some backwoods fishing hole only he knew about. Obviously none of us were thrilled with the thought of her traipsing off into the woods with a complete stranger and talked her out of it by telling her every horrible urban and rural legend we could think of. Then, by talking to him a bit more, she discovered his "dealbreaker" feature. He didn't have any teeth. I swear I'm not making this up. Only in the rural South can you find a man with a computer/high speed Internet connection, but no teeth. I think she gave up on Internet dating after this, she hasn't mentioned it again. It doesn't help that I met my husband online either. I looked at Yahoo personals to see what sort of men were here and there was my husband. I contacted him, we talked a lot, met, and married a year later. He was the only person I would have ever considered. It didn't hurt that he looks like Brad Pitt either, I admit that looks are a first priority with me. He was an anomaly though, all the other men I saw on the site had ads full of misspelled words and hideous pictures of themselves posed outside of their trailers. With their favorite gun/knife/crossbow/animal they killed. My friend and I used to peruse the personals together at night looking at the local talent and here is the sad part; most of the guys on there are the same ones that had ads on when I was single. With the same pictures.



So for the last few months we have been working this love project. Actually it has been a year. No date yet. We do the First Friday thing in downtown Valdosta, we've been to our local singles "hot spots", we try to go to places where men congregate i.e. gun shows, races, truck stops, deer stands, and hardware stores. Luckily she likes redneck, good old boy types, and I'm determined to get her a man that can help her remodel her new house. You think it would be like shooting fish in a barrel, but it's not so easy.



Let me fill you in on the local hot spots experience. We don't have much of a selection here. We went to a charming place called "Rascals" one night (it's not a strip club, I swear). I have about an hour and a half of patience with going to clubs. If you haven't seen anyone you would be willing to do in 90 minutes, then move on. Sounds harsh, but remember I didn't say you were actually going to have sex with anyone. I believe in holding out until they beg, but that's another post. So, here's how our 90 minutes went: We walk in. All women in the place immediately glare at us, because we're hot. Making eye contact and smiling at the male gauntlet, we sashay to a very accessible table and order drinks. We then sat there for the next 90 minutes and the only man that approached us was so hideous we couldn't even be nice to him. Now this is an important point, so listen well my little single girls. Normally, the first guy that approaches you in a club is the ugly, drunk fool that has deluded himself into thinking you might actually be interested in him. He is key to the rest of your evening. Be nice to him, smile, and even dance with him if you must. In fact thank him graciously for the dance, even if you had to pry his hand off your boob through most of it and wipe spit off your face every time he slurred at you.. Don't take a drink from him or you'll be stuck with him the rest of the evening. Gently steer him away from your table. He's drunk, he'll forget where you are in a few minutes anyway. The rest of the cute guys then will swarm you, because they know for sure they have more game than Drunk Boy, and if you'll dance with him then they have a chance. Works like a charm and didn't your Mama give you the same advice in middle school? Thought so.



However, as much as I love my friend and am dedicated to helping her find man bliss, I'm not taking one for the team. I don't mind being wing girl, but he was an exception to all rules. If we had been seen with him, all credibility would have been ruined. Besides the fact that he was at least 80 (that's 59 in Valdosta years), he also had the de rigeur toothlessness that seems to distinguish some of the locals. However I gave him huge snaps for his fabulous sense of irony; he was wearing a faded and holey "Crunch Fitness" t-shirt two sizes too small for his enormous girth. As far as I'm concerned this was the sign to leave. We tossed back our drinks and drove across the street to another local watering hole.



And exited two minutes later. Before forking out cover charge money, I charmed the bouncer at the door into letting me take a quick peek in at the clientele. All five of them were scattered randomly around the room in various states of Budwiser bliss. The bouncer was the hottest guy in the club, unfortunately he was about twelve.



We drove into "town" for our next stop. Which never happened. There are a few cute bars in Remerton, but they were filled with college girls (and boys). Ugh. We both already live with and support teenagers. If we wanted to party with them, we would just drink at home. All the time.



Then we drove through "downtown" Valdosta. A ghost town, despite all the desperate P.R. So on the way home we made plans to go out again the next weekend; if nothing else we are optimistically persistent.



This time we stayed closer to her house. There are two clubs in her town, the Log Cabin and Cadillac Ranch. This was around 10 pm. By 11 we had ended our evening at Huddle House. No one spoke to us at Cadillac Ranch, except for the unenthusiastic bar wench. Log Cabin was even worse. When the first man you see upon entering looks like the Unabomber; it's time to go home. Huddle House was the highlight of that particular evening. As was watching the "Sex In The City" movie later at her house.



Our next foray out was suggested by a nurse at my doctor's office. She's our age and single too, so she told us all about Rock-n-Rodeo. They had a good '80's cover band playing one weekend, so we figured there might be some other folks our age there to reminisce with. And there were! Lots of 40 and 50 year old men. With 20 something girls. Here's what puzzled me...these girls didn't look half as good as we do at 40. Really. I can be objective since I'm not looking, whereas my friend was going into an "ugly and old" spin. We spent an hour there and I looked over many of these mismatched couples. What I saw were older guys that were definitely on the very low end of masculine desirability with young girls that were just a mess. Here sat two good looking women who are funny, smart, successful, and extremely well dressed being rejected for chunky girls with Clairol Frost-n-Tip orange highlights and .99 cent flip flops. At eleven o'clock I turned into a pumpkin and put the lid on this particular evening. Then I spent the next week trying to dig my friend out of the pit of self esteem hell.

The next dating foray is to the churches. Here everything is faith based, apparently even fucking. Every major center of worship here has a singles group, except for Temple Israel. The only single Jewish guys here are under the age of legal consent; though if you offered to help with the cost of a Bar Mitzvah you could be in the (future) running. I'm sending her into the foray of religious ecstasy alone however. An evening of of speed dating by scripture or Bible Trivial Pursuit sounds unappealing at best, plus I don't think they serve alcohol. I'm an old fashioned girl myself; I like to meet men in dimly lit venues while drunk. I look prettier and they sound funnier. It's a win-win.

I have not given up on my friend yet. I don't know if any of you watch "Millionaire Matchmaker", but Patty and I have a lot in common when it comes down to our dating advice. I believe the best way to attract the right mate is to picture exactly what you want in your head. Or on paper. Do a dream board if you must. I think most people think they have a clear idea of what they expect in a partner, but don't really. This goes for guys too. I have a single male friend that hasn't really found a dating partner either. He swears there are no single women in Valdosta and I had to set him straight about that. Unfortunately he and my friend would never work out, they are way too different from one another to ever make it past the first five minutes. So make a list of everything you want in a mate; including looks and income. Don't tell me that's shallow either. If you think it is, then go date a chronically unemployed troll, because poor, ugly people need love too. Add to the list as needed; your needs and values change over time. What I expected in a first marriage, was not what I expected the second time around. My values had changed in a decade, though hopefully you won't be single that long. I had a list that everyone told me was unrealistic. But it was my list and I stuck with it. My current spouse has all the qualities I asked for and then some.

And by the way, if by chance you are a single, then email me. I would love to set up an evening of singles to meet each other. I don't think there is enough of that here. We have one club that I am aware of: Positive Christian Singles. That's it. As a cynical Jewish divorcee I felt a bit excluded, plus I hear it is 80/20 women to men. Natch; who the hell wants that?

Here's another thing; if you are married, do not email me. I don't want to be your friend, nor would I introduce you to any of my friends. Your marriage not "happy" anymore? Then get a damn divorce and quit fucking around with this "friend" shit. Go get a young girl to be your friend, they're still stupid enough to put up with that nonsense.

Now go forward fabulous singles and mingle!

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva