T'was The Night Before Surgery...

T'was the night before surgery and all through the house.....that's it. I'm a blogger, not a fucking poet.

Yes, tomorrow's the day and unless you are just totally clueless and have not been following my blog, or you simply don't give a shit, I'm having surgery in the morning. No, not cosmetic, I would be more excited about that. The urethral sling surgery so that I won't pee my pants anymore.

And I am ready! I will probably be the prettiest person this doc has worked on in a while. I'm figuring that because normally he only sees really old people. I'm always the youngest person in the waiting room and that's not saying much.

So today I had to especially pretty up since tomorrow a strange man will be seeing my kitkat while I am blissfully unconscious. If I were in my twenties they would call this date rape, but at forty something it's almost like a real date like sort of thing. Being married I don't date anymore, so this at least gives me something to get dressed up for.

So my day consisted of having my skin buffed and anti-cellulite measures taken. A spray tan because we all know that fat looks better brown and so do stretch marks. I am waxed to perfection and any pesky grays are gone. I had a little botox from the wonderful Dr. Bridgett Moore to get rid of the pterodactyl feet around my eyes. I don't have nail or toe nail polish on, but my front and back paws are buffed to a healthy, natural sheen which feels highly unnatural to me. I had planned my surgery mani/pedi to be a dark burgundy, I thought it would really stand out in the white, sterile environment of the operating room. But no, for some reason they need my nails to be unvarnished. As if you could tell the state of my health with all this acrylic on top of my real nails.

Then it was time to hit the gym for that serious firming workout. The back of my thighs needed lots of work. I put myself in surgical position as if I were in stirrups today and took a seriously unpleasant look. I will probably be doing lunges all the way to the hospital, it's only twelve miles from here. That should firm them a little.

Tonight after I webcam/talk with my kinder, cuter half I plan to work out my no-make up make up look. I bought this fabulous product called "O Glow" from one of my favorite cosmetic companys, Smashbox. It's a clear gel and you rub it into the apples of your cheeks. Then it magically turns into the color you would blush if you were naturally able too. I thought Nar's "Orgasm" (my normal blush color) might be a bit much for surgery. I can fake a lot, but I can't fake that I blush with little bits of gold glitter. I have Lorac's awesome lip stain in Sheer Luck to give my lips a Popsicle stained pout, with a little Victoria's secret lipgloss over them. Of course my brows are always enhanced with Lorac's brow kit and I think I may smudge a little brown shadow into my lashline so I don't look so naked eyed. A little cover up around my nostrils and a dusting of mineral powder from Mac should complete my "no make up " look.

For god's sake this is surgery. I could end up a corpse and I certainly don't plan on looking like one ahead of time. The Teenager was giving me a hard time about my pre-surgical grooming and I had to patiently explain that if I should die, then not much would have to be done to make me look good...duh...

But he got it. Thank god for meterosexual sons! Then he suggested bronzer to go with my fake bake. He's a genius and is sooooo detail oriented. That bronzer will pop under those horribly unflattering surgery lights. Why do they need the room so bright???? My husband works on cars which is the same as surgery and he just uses this light he hangs up on the hood. It works just fine and everyone looks better in ambient lighting.

I am doing my hair up with wispy bangs. I think they're going to put one of those shower curtain things on me anyway. Now the cute girls at the library today convinced me that golden glitter gel was not exactly comme il faut for surgery, but I must think on that. I don't take fashion advise from just anyone...

I also have a cute pre-surgery outfit to wear and go home in. They said sweats, so I got a new set from Victoria's Secret. They are a little tight through the leg, so I now have to worry that the hideous bag I have to wear overnight isn't going to fit in them. I like Victoria's Secret Pink line, which I am probably too old to wear. However, flat on my back with my botox I think I can pass for thirty-ish. I did ix-nay on the Hello Kitty panties, that would be pushing it a bit.

But the big decision is perfume. I'll know in the morning. Sometimes it just comes to me, it's like a talent I have..choosing the right perfume for the outfit and occasion..

It's almost like a fifth sense.

Anyway, everyone be thinking about me and I'll think about me too. Will see you all again Thursday when I will be adding to the "Trophy Wife-The Series" series. Thursday is going to be all about a sub-genre that I saved especially for you...

The Redneck Trophy Wife

All of my love, but you still can't use my lipstick,

Cult Diva