Put Your Hands Up And The Fork Where I Can See It!

Everyday I get out of bed, make coffee, scan the news, and thank god above that I'm not a celebrity. I know for sure that no one is lurking outside my windows to take pictures of me in compromising positions.


I know I can go to the gym or shopping without being the viciously ridiculed subject of bitchy bloggers (like myself).


That I can have a fashion melt down and few people, if any, will know about it. What am I saying? I'm in Valdosta. I've seen people at funeral services wearing rubber flip flops. Dressed up here means the flip flops match your Vera Bradley purse.


I don't always have great days, but I can promise you this much: at least I'm not Jessica Simpson.


Unless you live in a total cultural void with no media outlet, you surely have seen poor Jessica's enormous ass plastered all over the place with those horrible jeans stretched across it's awe inspiring expanse. I'm not posting the same tired picture here; Google it for yourself. It's everywhere, hell it's probably on "60 Minutes" tonight. So now we have recession, unemployment, a hopeless Middle Eastern mess, and Jessica Simpson's ass. Surely this must be a sign of the apocalypse.



Ouch! The girl has gotten Anna Nicole sized. Hopefully Trim-Spa has already called her publicist. Forget Jenny Craig, poor Jess needs Jenny Crank.


Now, enough of the cheap stabs and snarky rhetoric.

Any of you that have ever battled your weight know how awful and time consuming it is. If being thin were easy, we would all be Victoria Beckham. I've been on a diet my entire life and it sucks. I really like my food and yours too. Being the same height as Jessica (5' 3") and having a curvy endomorphic body type is a fashion challenge. The slightest weight gain shows immediately and you always photograph squatty unless you have a terrific photographer to get your best angles. Whoever photographed that poor woman from behind in those horrific jeans should be tried for paparazzi photo crimes. Nicole Richie would look plump from that angle!

So she gained a little weight. Is this reason for the 4.5 million hits you get on Google if you input "Jessica Simpson fat new" in the search box? Give her a break, she's been in show business for the last decade which means she hasn't eaten a good meal since. And as you remember from one of my previous blogs, she had to seriously train to get into those Daisy Dukes. No one gets an ass like that from genetics.

Now Jessica, this is just addressed to you. I know by now you've read all the crap out there about your weight. You've cringed over that picture. My dear, short girls with big hips and big boobies cannot wear high waisted jeans with big thick belts. If you were a tall girl you might be able to pull that off. But you're a short girl with a short waist. Fire your stylist immediately. I understand economizing on fashion, but please make those jeans go back to island of unfortunate clothes.


Now call Annabel Tollman. She's a fabulous stylist who is a curvy girl also. She know how to dress our body type. Now that's who needs her own show! Somebody please pull the plug on Rachel Zoe and her horde of crack head fashionista wannabes. Doesn't she look like she could be Mary Kate and Ashley's mom? And don't let her chase you down at the KFC and try to slip a tapeworm in your mashed potatoes.

Get the Daisy Dukes out and stick them on your refrigerator for inspiration. Also, check my earlier post about following your exercise plan. I hate to make you go back to the gym, but if you don't the media is going to Britneyize you until you crack up and are caught on film beating Tony Roma's car up with a five dollar foot long from Subway. Just go ride the elliptical machine for about three months and try my chicken recipe. Go on Oprah and emote. Hire a ghostwriter to help you write a book about your struggle with food and self image. I'm available and will offer my services in exchange for shoes and a few hair extensions.

Now go work it girl!

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva