Pilates And The Art Of Trophy Wife Maintenance

So you think you have what it takes to become a Trophy Wife? I must warn you ahead of time that though the end result is pretty fabulous, this is serious work that requires a level of concentration that only a hit of your child's ADD medicine can enable. And I do mean work! Now some of us were born TW's, but not everyone can claim that. If you are with a TW that has absolutely no pictures in her photo album dated prior to the last decade, you are probably with a man made version. And that's perfectly all right! Behind every fantastic TW is an even better plastic surgeon. Or two.

Now wash Junior's Adderal down with your lemon water and lets go meet some of the wonderful new acquaintances you will become utterly dependant on as you start your ascent from Domestic Diva to Trophy Wife!

1. The Plastic Surgeon. This person is going to know more about you than your husband ever will. They know exactly what you look like without makeup or spray tan. They know which parts of you are real and which parts you're still paying off. You also need to be completely honest with this person about your drug and alcohol intake as they don't want you to become brain damaged by anesthesia during a procedure (much nicer word than surgery). Make sure you keep them and all of their wonderful staff on your Christmas card list. If they're Jewish or any other religion, make sure you do the proper research on whatever it is that they worship. You don't want to look politically incorrect by not properly acknowledging whatever heathen beliefs they embrace. Just because they're not going to Heaven with you doesn't mean they are not good people too. And you sure don't want to get on their bad side or you might end up looking like Pricilla Presley.
2. The Personal Trainer. This is the guy that is going see you in positions your husband never knew you could get into. You want a man for a trainer because the girl ones are just a little suspect. Unless you're really into that sort of thing. Just remember this: not many women can afford you, so you're best off sticking with the other team. Those Ellen DeGeneres types are far and few between and Portia's already got her all wrapped up. However you're really not in any danger. You can do pelvic thrusts all day and he's still going to be thinking about Gunner. Or Bryan. Or your husband. Seriously what man could watch you doing downward facing dog and not get wood?
3. Your Esthetician. Quit lying to her. She knows that you have spent every waking moment of your life lounging in the sun with a cigarette and cocktail in hand. Without her, your skin would look exactly like a scrotum. Forget her birthday and she might forget to completely taser off your goatee. Just remember: there's only one place a TW might have something resembling a soul patch and it isn't on her face....
4. Your Nail Goddess. Without her nail fashion input you would be wandering around declawed with crusty feet. Or worse, trying to get away with Lee Press-On's. She also knows the best gossip. I have no idea why, I've tried to figure out if there is some sort of nail goddess gossip hot line, but so far have been unsuccessful. I do have a theory though; because sometimes their English is less than perfect it might lead one to believe they don't understand it. Fooled you! Trust me, Saigon Suzie has probably been here way longer than you and drops the cute accent as soon as work is over. She filed away every word you said while you talked trash with your BFF.....
5. Your Waxer. Or in your case your landscape artist. She should be getting huge tips from you. Really, could you do this to another woman????
6. The Diet Doctor. This guy keeps you able to run around to all these appointments with little more than salad and designer water in your system. Here's a little tip from me: the FDA has really cracked down on prescriptions. If you don't weigh enough, you are never going to get a refill. Make sure you put on ankle weights under your Juicy tracksuit to add that necessary ten pounds. Watch the nurses look puzzled as they check the scale. Don't forget to make an appointment for next month before you leave, this office is usually booked solid three months in advance.
7. The Personal Shopper. Unless you're able to really multitask, you can't possibly read and interpret all the fashion magazines every month. What a daunting task that would be! She has your measurements and your best interests in mind, plus knows exactly how much you're willing to spend to look hot. Without her you would be lucky to be able to leave the house without looking like that Olsen girl, you know the one that looks like a bag lady.
8. The Hairdresser. This is the only person who should ever know what color your hair really is. Isn't everyone born with gleaming, soft, multi-tonal hair? Plus they always have a way more exciting sex life than you and don't mind sharing advice. What do they teach in cosmetology school these days??
9. The Therapist. Though you don't share as much with them as you do your nail goddess or hair technician, you do need them to add balance and Xanax to your life. It's so nice to just be able to focus on you for a while and and not have to pretend to be interested in someone else's drama. Unless it's something juicy that you can pass on....Better yet, they have to give you their undivided attention, after all you are paying them by the hour.
10. The Gynecologist. They keep your hormones straight so that you don't have to act like you're going through early menopause. After all, you're only 29......They also will be rebuilding your kitkat one day and they know it didn't get that way from just pushing out one child...

Now you have all the ammunition you need to start building your own team of Trophy Wife enablers. Financing? You're a smart girl, you got this far so I have complete faith that you'll figure it all out. However I am always open to questions when it is convenient for me. Just don't call while I'm getting waxed.

Love and kisses,

Cult Diva