No More Kinkiness Please..

I've always been a kinky sort of girl, but very closeted about it. However, if you went to my "Hair Styling" bathroom--that's right I groom in at least four of the rooms in my house--you could open the capacious drawers and peer into deep, dark cabinets that hide my shameful secret.


I have bad hair. Very bad. Everything in the hairstyling bathroom is marked either as a straightener, defrissant, humidity resistant, smoothing, anti-curl, relaxer, ect. During the holidays I chose to fly home and the nasty security people took away my large sizes of conditioner and defrissant that I had lovingly wrapped in Zip-Loc bags to place in my carry-on. In fact, the lovely brush cut sporting rather masculine woman told me I could throw them in the garbage or run several miles back to my car (okay, about 300 yards or so--I WAS in heels) and put them there. These were expensive and necessary products. She did ask me if they were a prescription because she obviously didn't need the ability to read French in her job and I was tempted to lie. Probably a good thing they weren't in Arabic; she probably would have cavity searched me. However after much attitude I gave in. Anymore hair tossing and you all could have watched me make a total ass of myself via YouTube.


"Crazed Valdosta Housewife Throws Tantrum Over Hair Products During Holiday Travel Season."


All the ugly people in line glared at me for delaying their travel experience.


Anyway, screw that bitch. I went to Sephora the day after the holiday and bought extra large sizes to bring back through that airport. In my suitcase. Always the rebel.


I have a whole head of fine, thick, frizzy/curly hair with parts that are straight. Schizophrenic hair that is never in fashion really though some of the models at Vivienne Westwood are given hair like mine by paid professionals.

This is not me, but instead a highly paid and underfed model who has been inexplicably crowned with a neater version of my unstyled locks. My hair is actually past my shoulders with proper styling, but shrinks to a wool sweater in the wash size if allowed to go au natural. So for years I have believed every product would be the magic one that gave me gorgeous silky locks that rippled in the breeze. That combs and brushes didn't break in or leave clots of hair all over the place. Hair that's all one texture and smoooooth.

I know you're probably wondering why no one has ever hooked me up with a relaxer before, but I've always been afraid that my multi-tonal hair would break off in itty bitty pieces even worse that it normally does. I've seen too many horror stories about what years of relaxing can do to your hair. Plus, with a lot of elbow and product, I can temporarily get my hair to go in one direction.

I've been reading about Japanese Thermal Straightening and Brazilian Straightening treatments and they too seem a little harsh (not to mention expensive, but I do believe you get what you pay for in hair), so I didn't want to try that either.

However I did get wind of a new product called Liquid Keratin that is supposed to give you smooth hair for at least a month. It's purported to be a gentle, formaldehyde free, protein based treatment that adds keratin to the hair to straighten it. Now I'm not one to argue with "scientific" hype that beauty companies use to draw you in, but their shtick is that curly/frizzy hair lacks keratin and by sealing the protein in with heat then keratin is bonded to the hair which then smooths out. If I am correct, I do believe that a strand of hair is made up of little overlapping scales of keratin protein. Everyone's hair, not just smooth hair.

But if bullshit in advertising ever stopped me then I would never have dated when I was younger either, so I got on Ulta.com and bought the starter set.

Which arrived promptly today.....ironically I had just washed and towel dried my hair and was ready to apply my new hair miracle.

First you towel dry your hair to damp and comb with a wide tooth comb to detangle it. Next you spray the straightening formula on small sections of hair; then comb it through with a fine comb to make sure all strands get an equal coat. Wait thirty minutes, then section hair again and blow it out straight. Last you will go over all those fine little sections with your flat iron. Done.

Don't wash your hair for two days; then wash with the shampoo and conditioner they provide. Your hair should stay smooth for at least a month.

My hair is silky smooth now, but oily and separated. Luckily I get to do my work in the privacy of my own home so no one will see me for the next two days. It looks shiny and healthy and better than that I think it stretched it out at least an inch and a half. There seems to be no smell to the protein chemical, my hair smells like the shampoo I used. The kit comes with a shampoo, and two types of conditioner; a rinse out and a leave in. You use both, which I do anyway.

I did look before I purchased to see if there were any bad stories on this product, and I have not found any to date. I'm excited to see it a few days from now, I hope it doesn't break off in the tub and leave me hairless. If so, check YouTube for the new video:

"Angry, Bald Headed, Valdosta Housewife Goes On A Rampage"

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva