I'm a Trophy Ex-Wife, How About You?

So many people have asked for my advise on how to be a Trophy Wife that I felt it was finally time to do blog post about it. Once I began taking notes and doing research I realized I had more than a post; I had an entire mini-series. "Trophy Wife" is too simplistic of a term to apply to a young, attractive spouse married to an older, more successful spouse.



I personally take great offense at being lumped into any category that Ashton Kutcher could be part of.



So for all three of you that sought my counsel and the rest of you that didn't; I present:



"Trophy Wife..The Series"



Part One: Exploring Sub Genres of the Stereotype



Trophy Wife: The younger, more attractive second, third, fourth, ...to infinity wife of an older, successful man. Markings include but are not limited to: large breasts, large wedding ring, even golden glow, low body fat,no expression lines, voluminous amounts of hair, large expensive handbag. Often shop, eat, and groom in packs. Diet consists of salad, vodka, and expensive bottled water.

Examples: Senator Fred Thompson's wife Teresa, Carla Bruni, anyone on a show called "The Real Housewives of ....,Portia de Rossi, Posh, anyone married to Donald Trump.



Ex-Trophy Wives: The unfortunate by product of a high profile divorce. This sad sub genre came from nowhere and went back there rapidly post divorce. Markings include: Bitter expression, ability to make any expression, weight gain, bad hair, and anonymity. Often caught drunk dialing tabloids in the middle of the night to tell their side of the story. Diet: Cheap vodka, anti-depressants, and low fat Pringles.

Examples (as if you might remember any of them): Marla Maples, Jerri Hall, all women married to Rod Stewart, anyone married to Liza Minelli.



Serial Trophy Wives: Who says you can't have them all? These busy gals marry so much and so often even they can't remember who they're married to anymore. Just call them all "Darling", darling. They usually stay gorgeous as there's always a new sugar daddy just around the corner to pay the nice plastic surgeon. Characterized by multiple wedding rings, wedding album shelves, and a trade in deal worked out with Tiffany. Diet: Good champagne and a wisp of wedding cake.

Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Joan Collins, Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe. I'm going to throw Pamela Anderson in here too even though she keeps going back and forth with that syphilltic looking tattooed fellow.


The Trophy Ex-Wife. This rare breed does better post divorce. All your hard earned child support and alimony goes for one thing and one thing only. To make her look fabulous for her newer, more attractive, and way more successful second husband. However, sometimes this little darling does even better on her own instead of having to be arm candy for one more ego maniac. Markings include: smug expression, way bigger ring than the first time around, husband that can kick first husband's ass, condescending tone when she has to call you to remind you that you're late again on your child support. Diet: Revenge served with a twist.

Examples: Eleanor of Aquitaine, Ellen Barkin (get him girl!), Jessica Fisher (was Conseco), Gigi Levangie Grazer (love that Starter Wife!).



and bottom of the heap:



Trophy Wives that marry beneath themselves or Trophy Trash. These poor gals keep serial marrying down the social scale. Markings include: tight expression, ever changing hairstyle/color, diminishing bank account, and a stream of positive press releases issued by their loyal but overworked publicist. Diet: Who can possibly eat with paparazzi in their faces all the time?

Examples: Britney Spears, Lisa Marie Presley, Madonna, and Jennifer Lopez.



Trophy Wives even have a patron saint. Ivana Trump had a nasty, nasty divorce back in the late '80's from the Donald. But she emerged from it a new woman, literally. Her cosmetic makeover launched her spectacularly into a society that had been ready to pity her. Instead they lauded her and she came out of the divorce looking way better than she looked during marriage. Now at the end of marriage number four I'm sure she's looking around for a numero cinco. Since there are just an endless amount of greasy looking gigolos all over Europe, I'm predicting a spring wedding. I hear Christie Brinkley might be her divorcee of honor.

Join us later in the week for Part Two: "Pilates and the Art of Trophy Wife Maintenance"

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva