Did The Redneck Trophy Wife Dress Him??

Hey girls! I'm back with my sore ass self. Be on alert, Lortab takes the little restraint I have over my mouth completely off, so there is no telling where today's post may go. Thank you for asking, I am doing well. Just sore and nauseated from medication. Despite hottie doctor's warning, I am going to the gym today, though I will only be walking on the treadmill. I can't lay around here another day watching bad movies. I've stayed with comedy as I can't quite concentrate on anything intelligent at the moment, and may I say that "House Bunny" is quite possibly even too shallow for me?

Today's post deals with the small demographic of a sub-genre of Trophy Wife that I have observed here in South Georgia. Having grown up in an Atlanta suburb filled with Trophy Wives in training, I was unaware of this small, but highly visible sect that populates the outer hinterlands of the state. Up until 2001, my Georgia geography was comprised of few cities. There was Atlanta, Athens (university), Augusta (Master's), Savannah (St. Patrick's Day) and Panama City (next stop after driving through the rest of the blighted state). Yes I really am a native, but why would I be interested in the other boring cities? There were places in Atlanta outside of the Perimeter I have never even been.

Then in 2001 God told me to move here. I'm waiting patiently now for the second part of the instructions because surely this can't be it. Who am I kidding? I'm not waiting patiently at all, I've had moving boxes on standby for a few years now.

Anyway, while I pack I still observe the native flora and fauna and I can't help but notice the local talent. I always look to other women for fashion inspiration and I believe beauty comes in many different forms. We have a few traditional trophy wives here, but many of the TW's are of a whole different inspiration. We have the Redneck Trophy Wife, not to be confused with the White Trash version. If you are from the South you are able to differentiate between the two, though the rest of the world and Hollywood seems unable to do this. Let me see if I can give a little more definition.

Southern Trophy Wife: Cute Lilly Pulitzer sundress/skirt collection, Bernardo sandals, anything from Pappagallo or a shop that has "Ivy" in the title. Alumni of Alpha Delta Pi, Tri-Delt, KD, Chi-O, ect depending on your school, various women's philanthropy groups, brief career helping the unfortunate (children, pets, old people, minorities), and the ability to think of a theme for a fundraiser in thirty seconds or less. Body fat composition hovers around 16-22%, yet still has the ability to absorb multiple glasses of Pinot Grigio without embarrassing spouse in public.

Redneck Trophy Wife: Wardrobe and jewelry collection provided by Bass Pro Shop. Seriously, I went to their website for research yesterday and it was so busy with men buying their wives last minute gifts that it kept crashing. Did you know that you can buy a candle made in a shell casing there? Or that Browning has a line of jewelry with their famous "Buckmark" logo? They also have a nice line of crosses. I observed that there were no Star of David necklaces, which leads me to believe there are no Redneck Jewish Trophy Wives. I'll keep researching that one though. Also look for the mark of the Big Hair. I truly believe one reason our skin cancer rates are so high in Georgia is tied directly to the fact that there is no ozone layer south of Rockdale county due to depletion by Tigi's Big Sexy Hairspray (the product of choice for big hair that lasts all day in this humidity).

Other signs of the Redneck Trophy Wife:

1. Knows what the acronym NASCAR stands for.
2. Ability to urinate neatly outdoors. Very useful when hunting with spouse.
3. Monogrammed gun case.
4. Bike Week is a national holiday.
5. Can line dance.
6. Daughter=pageants. May actually live in a double wide but five year old has extensions and a spray tan.
7. The denier cri: The faux Dooney giraffe hobo.

Even if they have none of the above, look for the faux bag. Now, I have not posted on the politics of faux handbags yet but be aware: it's coming. I have strong opinions about pirated goods, and god knows I never hold back. Here is my biggest argument against faux bags (besides my issues with child labor); if you're going to have one, at least have a faux of an expensive bag. Why Fooney's or Foach's? I can't see buying a fake of a bag that only costs $500 or less anyway. If you're going to fake, fake one that's at least a few thousand. And do not buy the matching faux cigarette case! Coach, Dooney, Louis, and Chanel DO NOT MAKE CIGARETTE CASES.

Also when you carry your Foach, don't carry it while you're buying ensembles at Wal-Mart. No one who spends several hundred on a bag wears fifteen dollar shoes. If you can't afford the real thing, at least buy attractive inexpensive purses. Target has a not too bad looking group of them, and there is always T.J. Maxx--at least there you can put a decent handbag on layaway and no one will be the wiser about how you acquired it.

Now the Redneck TW is also a bit rounder than the Southern version because she can actually prepare food or is willing too. I think willing to is the key here. I have every cookbook Junior League has ever put out and a sauce pan. I was into Pampered Chef for a while, but couldn't see buying cookware when I didn't actually eat. The sauce pan is to boil my edamame when I want it heated. I do actually cook when my kinder half is home, but that's about it. The Teenager is independent and can now make his own grilled cheese without making the house smell like cooking food.

Anyway, during research I googled "Redneck Chic" to see what came up. Vivienne Westwood has an interesting collection of menswear for autumn 2009 that has been described this way. So I looked through the collection this morning and promptly laughed my poor sore ass off. If you need a laugh look at the collection and picture any good old boy you know wearing any of these clothes. Even the models were laughing derisively in the pics. Seriously, save this for a day when you need a good laugh. Also go on the official NASCAR site and look through their women's clothing and accessory collection. Did you know you can buy NASCAR pumps? They're a hideous amber color with the NASCAR logo stenciled across the heel.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. I'm going back to bad television for a while. But with a little effort this afternoon I'm off to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" which is not autobiographical.....

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva