Are You There Karl? It's me, Cult Diva

Behind every successful man stands a fabulous woman.

Behind every fabulous woman stands a whole group of gay men that helped her achieve her look.

Somewhere out there exists an alternate universe where gay men and the fag hags who love them are able to marry, dress fabulously, and live graciously together in their gorgeously decorated homes. My gay soul mate is actually Karl Lagerfeld, but trying to convince him of this has been a bit trying. He keeps threatening me with restraining orders, yet I'm undeterred. That bitch can play hard to get all she wants, but I know deep in my shallow little soul we are meant to be together.

Take a look at all we have in common and decide for yourself:

We both dislike the scent of cooking food. Anywhere and under any circumstance. I don't like to walk into restaurants or homes and smell food. People who cook in their homes often reek of food smell too, have you ever noticed? I am so attuned to this that I can tell if you have actually eaten that day. Why spend all that money on expensive scent and then ruin it by ingesting food?

Neither of us care for children. I have one that I do like, but I can't imagine liking any others so I quit after him. Plus childbirth is not good for the figure. Couture only works if you are a size 4 or less.

I, like Karl, think that classifying anorexia as a disease is a bit harsh. Some people simply have more discipline than others.

Bulimia on the other hand is trashy. You should only use the restroom to look at yourself when you get bored with uninspired conversation or are forced to look at pictures of people's children or pets. Going to the powder room is much more polite than yawning. Yawning is unattractive; it makes one look vapid.

And vapid is only pretty on ridiculously attractive young men.

I think everyone should wear sunglasses all the time just like Karl does. I also tune people out when they bore me and sunglasses eradicate that glazed look I inevitably have when I'm not really listening. I can't spend all my time in the powder room, someone would start an unkind rumor that I have bulimia.

We can't work around ugliness. If my surroundings are not pretty I simply cannot focus. This includes co-workers. I love hiring employees because then I can enact quality control by picking only the attractive. I hired an ugly person once and it was a huge mistake. She lasted a week. Pretty is as pretty does and pretty people just do things better.

We dislike being touched with the exception of the people that groom us. I signal affection by actually listening to the people I care for. Most of the time.

I just don't understand wearing color. It's so pretty, but black makes you look thin. That is if you are thin already. If not, no one is fooled by the black tent you draped over yourself.

Diet Coke counts as a food group, but only in a lovely Baccarat flute. Don't do the lemon slice; it has calories and yellow is not currently an "in" color.

We both agree that the only people that the recession is affecting were poor to start with, so surely they are used to going without, mais oui? It's not like they had much to start with. Why all the whining...so demode. I'm so tired of hearing about the price of groceries. Americans are fat enough; Karl and I could live off a family of four for the next two decades if we were cannibals.

I once had to explain to my real life straight husband that my bottled water was so expensive because it had oxygen in it. Special Italian oxygen from the Alps. He looked at me as though I were mentally challenged. Karl would have understood completely without me having to offer the scientific explanation of my expensive water.

We're both so misunderstood. It's the pain of genius. We are pragmatic and honest, plus we always tell you things that will make you a better person in the long run. I only say things aloud that other people secretly think anyway. We are not insensitive to others, that's an ugly rumor that actually has no truth in it for once. Sometimes I do get caught up in telling the most awful gossip to the person that is actually the subject of the gossip, and that's always a bit awkward for them

We also agree that reading magazines for fashion advise is like reading the wall of a public toilet for relationship advice. You must live and breathe fashion to truly understand it. Go to the street for inspiration. Just not your street, no one is fabulous there. I would invite you over to Karl's street but you would have to lose weight first.

And do something with your hair.

Anyway for our wedding I have picked out a lovely gown from his spring collection. I emailed him my measurements so that he could have one of the girls start altering it for me, but I haven't heard back from him yet.

I'll work on the guest list while I wait patiently.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva