The old gray mare just ain't what she used to be....

Remember your first? Or the time your BFF called to tell you about hers? Sitting around with all your girls laughing about your first over cocktails?

Remember how horrified you were?

Not your first experience with amor....

The first time you found a gray pubic hair. There should be a hot line you can call, like 1-800-OLD-PUSS, where you can speak with a trained counselor. Some one who really understands and can put it all in perspective for you.

But there's not. So you'll just have to put up with little old me. Now personally, I am not too hung up on my below the Prada belt age. Remember, I think bodies are for dressing not running around naked like animals. However I have stumbled upon an entire industry dedicated to prettifying your pudenda and I must say I am amazed at the lengths some girls will go to for appearance's sake.







Not really, but now I'm just exhausted thinking about all the extra maintenance this involves! Lets get started with the simple stuff and work our way up--no cheap pun intended!



We all know about hair removal, that's just a basic like having your car's oil changed. Takes ten minutes or less and you can finish your Vogue article while it's happening. You can shave, depilitate, or home wax if you are especially flexible. There are even tools for this very project, like "Coochie Shave" which is a special shaving cream for la coochie. It comes in pretty packaging and fun scents like Plumeria and Spring Rain. And we all know how important it is to have private parts that smell like Glade candles. Small suggestion, why not do a Fresh Breeze one for those times your feeling perhaps a bit wilted? Just a thought...

Now home wax is a little trickier. I can do it, but like cutting my own bangs I always end up longer on one side. Then I try to even it out and next thing you know I have a weird, scraggly patch that's completely off center, sort of like Joan River's wig.

Then off course there's the Brazilian; or the bald eagle. You pay someone a huge amount of money and a generous tip to rip all the hair off from your bellybutton to your tailbone so that you can wear bikinis that look like this:

If I had abs like those I wouldn't care if my kitkat looked like a wookie...

Then there's the French wax, where all the hair is removed; including labial hair. Then a piquant landing strip is left. Orly or Charles de Gaulle?

There is also an American. It's pretty basic; just remove what hangs out the sides of your panties. I never knew it had a name, I've always just called it "Deployment Bush". Remember, my kinder half was military for a quarter of a century. While he was off defending our country I had better things than pubic maintenance to do with his combat pay, like redecorate the house or myself.

And finally there's the "Bollywood". I like this one a lot and am trying to find someone to do it for me. It's the Full Monty plus a henna tattoo design on your mons. Exotic!

For those of you that want the final solution there is always electrolysis or lasers. These used to be expensive options, but now there's a laser center on every corner. Just be careful, big bushes could come back and you wouldn't want the equivalent of '80's hair in your pants would you? Nothing dates a woman like her hair style....

You can also leave enough hair to cut into shapes. Remember Sex in the City's Samantha and her lightning bolt? There are several kits you can purchase with stencils designs like hearts or stars, http://www.justkittying.com/ sells a personal pubic preening kit that is precious.

You can also dress up your newly bald kitkat with flat backed Swarovski crystals (they have them at Michael's Craft store). Just make sure you put them on with false eyelash glue, not super glue! You don't want your family doctor to find out what a little freak you are do you? There's also temporary tattoos for you weekend bad girls. For the really crafty types, I suppose you could get into your scrap booking supplies, the possibilities are just endless!

For those of you that prefer a little hair down there, those grays can be easily eradicated. "Betty" is a line of pubic hair coloring that is marketed as being very gentle for your delicate area. It comes in a full range of natural colors and a few festive hues for those of us that love to surprise our partners. I personally love the "Malibu Betty" shade, which is sort of a Caribbean blue. You can purchase this directly off their site: http://www.bettybeauty.com/ An online company called "Shop in Private" offers a few different lines of pubic hair color, including "Smart Bikini" which also offers a good variety of shades.

If you are really serious about having the best coochie ever, pick up a copy of the book "Hot Pink: The Girl's Guide to Primping, Passion, and Pubic Fashion" by Karen Risch. This is the go to guide to every below the belt grooming question ever.



And since your down there, don't forget about your back door! Apparently a proportionately large amount of our population is bleaching their rear entry to make it look younger. Having done loads of research for you, let me tell you there are tons of posts about this. I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about getting out pesky stains, and I thought skid marks were ickky enough! The common method is with just plain old hydroquinone that you buy for spots on your face or hands, but you can buy more expensive kits online. If you really want to pursue this go to http://www.bleachbum.com/ and knock yourself out!



Now for those of you that are really serious about having a kitkat like an eighteen year old's there are surgical options here. Brace yourself now, but there is a medispa in Manhattan called Perfect PHIT (pelvic health integrated techniques) that is all about lifting and tightening your sagging lady parts. They offer individually tailored vaginal rejuvenation for aging or postpartum pudenda. Everything from surgical techniques like labial reduction, tightening, and non-surgical laser resurfacing of the vulva. You can even get your skin refreshed with peels or gentle microdermabrasion. They also offer a variety of at home products to tighten and tone those important Kegel muscles like Femtone weights or Kegelmaster. Who knew you could lift weights with your vagina? I know there's places in third world countries that young ladies can chop fruit and pick up spare change this way, but wouldn't it surprise the hell out of my husband when he comes home if I served him a beer that way? I may have to start training for this, it's important to keep a marriage fresh with a few twists and turns.



Now lets go to the motherland of all new trends; California. If you're in the L.A area, you might want to drop into the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Center of Los Angeles. They have pioneered the anti-aging trend for your privates by offering several services including LVR-Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation and DLV-Designer Laser Vaginoplasty. LVR just tightens and tones the whole package up, while DLV is for more extensive surgery like labial reduction or to reshape the prepuce. Today I learned that the prepuce is the excess skin around your clitoris. According to LVRC's website, many women have this done to make the prepuce drape in a neater fashion around the clitoris to frame it better. And I thought I had too much time on my hands! I'm sure you can't get that done here, I still haven't found a decent seamstress yet.



They also offer laser services to remove hyperpigmention of the labia. Since I suffer from severe melasma on my face this scared the shit out of me. Is my kitkat blotchy too??


They also offer liposuction for those unfortunate enough to have a fat mons area. What exactly constitutes a fat pussy? Do you have a big bulge in your pants? Does a lover mention it in passing? I would just die to know how this is determined.



For those of you that are less than pussilicious, you can get Juvederm filler or even fat harvested from your own body (their italics, not mine) injected into your skinny kitkat. I'm glad to see they especially mention it would be your fat, because god knows I wouldn't want to get the recycled kind from the fat pussy lady.



I even looked a pictures of vaginal rejuvenations and watched a surgery on YouTube. I love the Internet! As bad as I was beginning to feel about myself, when I saw the before pictures of some of these surgeries I felt a hell of a lot better. I had to beauty call my BFF at eight o'clock in the morning to share it with her because some of the images were so shocking!


I hope I have given you all something new to thing about today! It just amazes me all the new things out there to keep us all happily self absorbed!



Keep those good thoughts!



Cult Diva