More Recessionista Beauty Tips

Recessionista: term for a fashionable woman surviving in the current economy and still looking fierce.

I love new slang terms and it's so hot right now to look both chic and frugal. As if that were really possible. The key is to look low maintenance, as if you were naturally fabulous. No obvious labels or recent life enhancement surgery showing please. This is not the time to trot by a homeless middle class family with the latest Louis Vuitton Safari Bag. That would be a month's mortgage for them if they still had their home! If you must carry it, disguise it in a Bottega Veneta woven tote. They get mistaken for Target handbags all the time.

I'm not suggesting giving up being fabulous by any means, but the least I can do is help you prioritize what you absolutely cannot live without. I want to show you where you can cut corners in your budget so that you can still afford those handbags and shoes you can't live without.

First tip: Stop grocery shopping. You don't need the calories anyway. If you have children, make sure they always have a play date around dinner time and turn off your cell phone until at least 7 or 8 o'clock. Get them a flashlight so that they can find their way home; then you save gas and our planet from harmful emissions.

Second tip: Make a list of organs your family doesn't need anymore. Remember my tip about selling one of your husband's kidneys to finance laser resurfacing? You probably have a lot of organs in your house that could be sold on the black market and there is big money in healthy, overfed American ones. Think about it. If you had to have an organ transplant would you want a nice one from one of your own countrymen, or a sad undernourished one from some desperate third world person that was probably sold to keep at least one of the children from having to enter a sweatshop that makes faux Coach bags. Exactly. If you have a big family then good for you! I see lots of fabulous things in your future.

Third tip: Tell your children that they are well rounded enough and cancel all their expensive after school activities. No one needs French lessons, everyone speaks English in France and they don't want to hear your children mangling their precious patois with their nasal American accents anyway. Ditto for modeling/acting lessons. Just tell them they are never going to make it in the competitive world of entertainment, they just don't have what it takes. They can pay for their own therapists later. Hopefully they will have enough self esteem left to get a job with a decent EAP program to cover those bills.

Fourth tip: Let go of your domestic help. Now that the kids are home all the time, make the lazy little bastards clean house. Then they might appreciate all the time you took when you had to tell someone else how to do it correctly in loud fractured Spanglish.

Fifth tip: Charge your husband for sex. Seriously! Nothing like a little strange that you won't get in trouble for. He'll think he's died and turned into Elliot Spitzer! Go buy a wig and some trashy lingerie at Fredricks. Tell him your name is Amber and you're just doing this to get through medical school. Get him his favorite beverage and sit on his lap while he talks about his day for at least twenty minutes of your precious time. Make sure to get the money up front though. I would get cash if I were you, no checks or credit cards please. There are so many possibilities here for fantasy role play too! If you put an apron on and microwave a little garlic, he'll think you're cooking dinner too!

Sixth tip: Organize a little Home Shoplifting Network club. Since you're the brains of the organization you get to send your minions out with a list of what you want. This is another good chore for those pesky children underfoot, plus it won't stay on their record after eighteen. You wouldn't want something as unnecessary as a felony conviction to keep them from getting into the college of their choice right?

Seventh tip: Ebay your family's stuff that's laying around everywhere. They never know where their stuff is and are always asking you anyway. Next time one of your teens asks where his brand new expensive North Face ski jacket is; just shrug and make as much of a "concern" face as you can with all that new Botox in between your eyebrows. This goes for hubby too. When he's thrashing around Saturday morning looking for his Ping putter make sure you get out of bed and help search too. Go to your weekend mani/pedi appointment while he accuses the kids. Stay gone until the screaming is over.

Eighth tip: Get a Fairy Godfather. One Saturday afternoon drive yourself to the nearest gay ghetto for brunch. Deliberately wear one black shoe and an identical one in almost, but not quite black, navy blue. Sit yourself at a center table with your dog earred copy of "He's Just Not That Into You." The Tim Gunn impulse will trigger in the nearest sympathetic gay male within the first ten minutes. Next thing you know you'll be toasting each other with Bloody Mary's; then you're just a hop, skip, and a jump away from swapping expensive beauty products. Plus you have a new, fun shopping friend! It's a win-win for all.

Ninth tip: Cancel the family vacation. You'll miss them terribly as you watch the sun set off the deck of the darling little spa you found in Costa Rica, but maybe there's a gift kiosk in the lobby where you can pick them up a t-shirt. You will have to convince yourself that it's okay to spoil yourself now and again when you see their little faces pressed against the car window as they drop you off at the airport. But you'll forget them as soon as the in-flight drinks are served.

Tenth and final tip: Start a non-profit to help women build self esteem. Apply for tax-exempt status, make a pamphlet with Publisher, and solicit donations. You don't have to mention that you're the only woman that's actually profiting from it. Rich people like to donate, it gives them tax write-offs. So you're helping redistribute the wealth and stimulating the economy at the same time. My god, you're almost a potential candidate for the Nobel and that carries a 10,000,000,000 prize cash out. Of course that's in Krona, not dollars.

There, that was easy wasn't it? And I gave you these tips for FREE. Do you know how much that awful Suzy Orman charges for financial advise? She doesn't even have good hair! I'm a saint, I know. Share these today with someone you love that's exactly your size and has fabulous taste.

Love and Kisses,

Cult Diva