Wide-On Of The Week: Andy Whitfield

Wide-On-noun-A slang term indicating a female's sexual interest in an attractive man wearing a cheesy period costume.

Ex: "That Andy Whitfield guy in "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" gives me a wide on even when he is covered with fake blood and wearing little more than a dirty looking thong held up with a leather belt."

Thank you to my friend Karen in Tallahassee for suggesting this week's "Wide-On" feature. Despite drooling over this show weekly, I had some sort of amnesia and passed right over this guy. By now you all know of my fascination for all things Roman, so what could be hotter than this latest costumed epic from Starz network?

I went through tons of pictures of Andy Whitfield, and though he is attractive in real life, he is WAY hotter in a faux gladiator outfit.

Which goes to show you that at any point, you can take an ordinary man, put him in a costume or give him an accent and he will automatically go up at least ten points on the hot meter.

Which explains the appeal of Colin Firth in a nutshell. I would pass him on the street and never look twice at him. At best he looks like a middle management account executive. But throw him in tight pants and a ruffled shirt and I am like "oh yeah, it's Mr. Darcy time."

I'll save him for another time though. Mr. Darcy, I mean Colin Firth, really needs his own "Wide-On" page. You know me and the entire British Empire. I can't resist them. Talk to me with a British (or Irish, Australian, New Zealand, South African, Welsh, Scottish) accent, even if it is totally faked, and my panties will hit the floor before the second pint.



Enough, I digress and have now traveled to TMI land. If by chance you are my step-children and reading this, please ignore the entire previous paragraph. All of the trips in my youth to your native land were spent going to tourist sites and not going to pubs to pick up random Englishmen for nefarious purposes. I loved Buckingham Palace, and the double decker buses and found that Stonehenge was very small in person right after I trekked through lots of sheep shit to get in front of the chain that surrounds it. Liberty prints rule, God Save the Queen, Harrods has a lovely food court and I still don't understand beans on toast for any meal, much less breakfast.

And what sort of fish is a kipper anyway?




Yes, he is a hottie. Lets hope his cancer treatments go well (he was just diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma--unpleasant, but treatable) and that he is able to film the second season that is in store for all of us. Personally, I can't wait for the first season to come out on DVD so that I can watch the actual story line and not just focus on all the sex scenes.

Have a great weekend and keep sending those suggestions in! And to my dear friend that suggested Ed Asner--it's not happening. That's your weird fantasy and no, I cannot find any naked pictures of him for you. Please come up with anyone better than that!

Love and new Chanel Glossimer 93 Paillettes lip gloss kisses, thanks to the GORGEOUS man at the Chanel counter that did my makeup today-here is the totally fabulous swatch and yes, I should have gotten the lipstick too, but I'll save that for next Monday's trip.


Have a fabulous weekend,

Lisa

Wide_On Of The Week: Javier Bardem

Wide-On-noun or in this case could totally be a verb. A slang term referring to female sexual arousal that is synonymous with the its male equivalent, the "hard-on".



Ex. "Ayyyyeee caramba, dios mio! Javier Barden es realmente masculino y atractiva, él me da un "Wide-on" tan grande como el grande de Rio!

Speak Spanish? Hell, I would speak in tongues just to spend a few minutes ogleing this serious hunk of Hispanic love.

This was the most "naked" shot I could find of him. Sorry I couldn't find the bottom, but seriously, use your imaginations. Lucky Penelope Cruz. I would write her to get some "dimensions" but I doubt she would answer. That smirk she has going on in all those L'Oreal ads says it all though. That man is laying some serious pipe on her, I know that look. I used to have it myself back in the day.

So enjoy what I did find and lets start lobbying for more naked roles for Senor Bardem.

Okay, Blogger or possibly my computer is being a little bitch tonight, but I can't get anymore of the pictures I have of Javier to post. So just keep scrolling up and looking at the cover picture. The rest had clothes on anyway.

Have a wonderful weekend and keep sending me those suggestions!

Lisa

Wide-On Of The Week: CrossFit Valdosta

Crossfit Valdosta from Kelly Barcol on Vimeo.

Wide-On-noun-A slang term indicating peak female interest in something.

Ex: "It was only a matter of time before I tried CrossFit gym in Valdosta, since working out is the ultimate wide-on."

Workout-aholic that I am, I've actually been eyeballing this hardcore gym for a while. CrossFit is part of a chain of elite fitness gyms for other crazy gym people such as myself. It's pretty different than any other gym I've ever been to. First of all it looks like a big, industrial garage (which I'm pretty sure it is), and then there are all the strange ropes, pulleys, rings, and other devices of torture hanging down from the ceiling.

It's taken about two years to get to this point for me. For those that don't know, I am a recovering smoker and couch potato. Though really athletic through my childhood and twenties, I slacked off-completely-after having a child in my early thirties and picking up a nasty smoking habit during a particularly ugly divorce.

After I quit smoking two years ago, I immediately joined a gym to avoid the weight gain associated with smoking cessation. My first few visits were huff and puff sessions of about twenty minutes on the elliptical machine. They were in reality probably were about ten minutes, but FELT like twenty.

Eventually I started to remember how I motivated others to work out, and focused on an attainable body type model for me, which was Jessica Simpson's body in the very regrettable remake of a classic 70's television series, " The Dukes of Hazard". The movie sucked ass, but her body was banging. So banging that it kept your mind off her horrible acting and singing for once. To get that body, she had to spend two hours a day on the elliptical machine and then do a hella squats and lunges. A "hella" is any amount that takes you way beyond the point of pain and sanity.

At that point in my life a hella was about ten or less.

Once I got that down, everything was easier. I took up "spinning", which is where you get in a small, hot room with a whole bunch of your soon to be close spin friends and ride a bike to no where. You add lots of resistance to mimic hills and increase your cadence to "race" one another no where. I feel like a hamster on a wheel when I do it, but it effectively burns calories. My son makes fun of my spin classes all the time because he knows that I never learned to ride a real bike and am actually terrified of people on bikes. I will swerve a mile out of the way to avoid bikers because I am completely sure they are going to fall in front of me if I am near them, or that they will get caught up in the tail wind of my car and fall over in front of some other unfortunate bastard.

Then I took up various aerobic classes, weight lifting, and yoga. I recruit my husband occasionally for these classes, but he has zero interest in any of them.

Which means I will now drag him to CrossFit because I'm hoping to ignite that workout passion I just know is lurking in there somewhere. He is only pretending he doesn't like to work out.

I would link you to CrossFit Valdosta's site, but it keeps flashing weird messages at me. So instead I'll link you to their Facebook page. It's not for the faint of heart, and part of getting in is the "fitness" (read this as HOT, SWEATY TRIP TO HELL) test. I did mine yesterday with an awesome group of possible converts, and it was the challenge I had been looking for. I'm not going into detail, but I am sore this afternoon and that takes a lot anymore. We will all meet up again this coming Monday afternoon for our first "Boot Camp" workout and then make the decision to join or not. I hope all my group does, there is a bonding when you have shared an experience like this.

Have a great weekend,

Lisa

Wide-On Of The Week: OKA.b Shoes

Wide-On-noun-A slang term denoting female passion and desire.

Ex: "Friday "Wide-On's" don't necessarily apply only to pictures of hot people, but can be applied to all things I desire. Like these really cute shoes."

As you remember from a previous post, I have a really fun part-time job (as in a steady paycheck sort of job) where I work at this amazingly fabulous spa. Yes, I sort of get a paycheck, however I use "sort of" because I tend to plow my earnings back into services and products on a weekly basis.

How I explain this to my husband is that now we are breaking even on my beauty habit, as opposed to before when I just used his money to support my cosmetic/fashion addiction.

Well I haven't really explained yet, but I plan to do that eventually when he notices that we seem not to be making any sort of positive financial progress. We did our budget ( a new big scary word for me) a few months ago, and I watched him adding up our bills and looking puzzled because of the gap between what we should have at the end of the month and what we have in reality is so.....vastly different.

I would look puzzled too, but I had just had my bi-annual shots of Radiesse and Botox and was unable to express that sort of anxious expression. The vodka and Xanax probably didn't help either, I just sat there chewing ice and saying "hmmmmmm...I don't know where that extra xxxx amount of money could possibly be."

Then I went back to admiring my new Donald J. Pliner slides. Big numbers confuse me anyway. People should stick with what they know.

And I know cute shoes.

So these are OKA.b shoes. I had (gasp) never seen them before I started working at the spa. You can find them from us--Lemongrass Day Spa or on their site, Shoes That Love You. The selection of styles are totally precious. Not only are they cute, but they are engineered with a specially designed foot bed that massages the foot and applies the principals of reflexology to keep your feet in adorable comfort all day. They are washable, antimicrobial, and waterproof.

That was a big paragraph for me. Let me sum it up this way: you could actually get laid in these shoes, unlike those ugly ass, yard dyke Crocs. You remember "Yard Dyke" right? If you don't, let me explain; she's one of my alternate personalities that comes out every spring. She thinks she has the power to clean up my huge and unmanageable lawn. This year I want Mattel to do an action figure of her, complete with jug of Round Up, big ass gas powered weed wacker, and of course, Crocs with socks. I think it will be a collector item, right up there with my menopausal action figure, "The Flash"

We have ours on sale, even better for me (and you). 10% off the first pair you buy, 15% if you buy two, and 20% if you buy three pairs. See, you save money by purchasing more and everyone knows you have to spend money for other people to make money.

Or something along those lines.

Love and kisses,

Lisa

Wide-On Of The Week: Brent Van Zant

Wide-On-noun-A slang term synonymous with it's male erectile tissue counterpart, also known as a hard-on.

Ex: "I have never heard of Brent Van Zant, but the moment I laid eyes on his pictures I knew I had this week's "Wide-On" feature."

Every week I poll friends, neighbors, co-workers, and complete strangers for ideas for my weekly feature of some gorgeous man meat, and every week I turn down the completely lame ones that I get.


If you notice, with the exception of Cam Gigendet, I have never chosen to ride the Google ratings wave of obvious male eye candy, i.e. the cast of "Twilight" or "New Moon". Yes, I would get lots of hits from featuring it's two main male stars, but here is my reasoning.


Robert Pattinson looks exactly like your very best gay guy friend ever. He is so hot, but as a woman I don't want to do him. I do want him to come over and help me dress myself for parties and redecorate my living room though. I want him to go have cocktails with me and make hilariously clever and cutting remarks about everyone else in the room behind their back and make me laugh my Absolut martini right out of my nose. He is so A-list that I would be the highest status fag hag in the room with him at my side and all the other fruit flys would hate me because I would be literally basking in his reflected glory, which may just be actually some of the Guerlain bronzer he dusted over my cheeks right before we got out of the car because I needed a little more glitz.



Taylor Lautner is seriously hot, but he is like all of fifteen or sixteen. I have a child this age, so it's hard for me to look at him and get hot and bothered as that would make me a pedophile. Plus, when I look at boys that age, I think one thing and one thing only: horrifically dirty and smelly room, and that is a complete turn off. I think I may wait a few years for him to ripen just a bit more and perhaps move out of his parent's home before I start obviously drooling over him.



Truthfully, if I had to do anyone from the "Twilight/New Moon" cast, it would probably be Kristen Stewart. Now she's actually hot, especially as Joan Jett in the upcoming movie "The Runaways."



So enjoy what I found on Brent. He's a model/actor that is largely unknown unless you read 'Men's Health" or other fitness magazines, or cruise gay sites for hot men like I do. After a long week at work I was really looking forward to seeing men in tight underwear for inspiration to kick off my weekend. I hope you all feel the same way.

Oh yes. I feel better already.

It Doesn't Get Better Than This

What can I say? Lady Gaga, Beyonce, fashion, fabulous lipstick and nails.

Love it.

Wide-On Of The Week: Nick Lachey

Wide-On: noun. A slang term synonymous with "hard-on". Indicates a state of sexual arousal in females.

Ex: Why didn't hot guys like this offer me rides in their pick up trucks during my hitchhiking days? What a total wide-on he gives me!


Thank you anonymous reader for suggesting Nick. I wouldn't have thought of him, but after cruising pictures of him, I was actually impressed. On the scale of "Would I randomly blow him?" that runs through my head when I look at men, he came up a solid seven on my scale from 1-10. That's not too bad. I suspect he's probably a little light in the intellect department, but what's that have to do with spontaneous fellatio anyway?

Enjoy the other pictures I found of him. Gotta love the tattoos, they do give him that sort of bad boy vibe that is always good.

Keep sending those suggestions in. I won't publish your name unless you want it, I'm all about the anonymous!

Enjoy your weekend!

Lisa