As A Matter Of Fact, I Was A Home Pooper

Many, many posts back I indicated my severe aversion to public restrooms and one of my readers commented back that I was a "home pooper." After reading that phrase I absolutely laughed my ass off because it's true and I never realized there was an actual term for my condition. Ask anyone in my immediate family and they will assure you it's true. Plus, I am always bewildered by people who aren't home poopers. Doesn't it bother them that someone is going to probably have to go right after them?

Can they not smell that smell? Having a seriously delicate stomach, if I walk into a restroom that someone has just fouled, I have to immediately leave. If I'm on the road there is always another gas station down the road, I can hold it. Or, we can travel the Spartan route as I prefer, and that means there is no food or drink for the duration of the drive no matter how fucking long it is. Chew gum if you get thirsty or hungry. No food or drink equals no stops at public facilities, plus we make better time. You'll have plenty of time to use the restroom when we get to our final destination.

It used to be easy for me to travel years ago. From about 1977 through to 1992 I lived on TaB in a can, thus negating any real need to spend quality restroom time. Briefly in my disco years I tried cocaine (don't gasp, if you're my age you probably did too, remember they thought it wasn't addicting back then) until I got a snootful that was liberally cut with baby laxative. Though severe paranoia and talking frentically after days of no sleep didn't bother me, the effects of the baby laxative did. Who knew that TaB could build up in a colon like that?

Then I got pregnant with my son and had to change my unhealthy ways. Eating food entered my life, along with profound morning sickness for all nine months so that I didn't actually enjoy what I ate for very long. Also entering my life was explaining to my unable to smell anything due to multiple broken noses husband why we had to drive from bathroom to bathroom when we were out so that I could throw up in a clean smelling bathroom. I learned just to always carry ginger ale, wet wipes, crackers, and plastic bags every where with me. It was easier to get sick in the bag while driving down the road than to risk public restrooms or hanging out the window. If I threw up out the window on your car around the Lenox area of Atlanta in 1992-1993, I am horribly sorry, please accept this much overdue apology.

On birthing day, despite having read every pregnancy manual ever published, I some how missed the part about what might happen while pushing the baby out.

And it did. I pooped. In public. With about eight strangers watching. So I did the logical thing and quit labor and told all involved that I would no longer assist in the birthing process. I also closed my eyes because if I can't see them, then they can't see me or the poop. Thank God I had banned cameras from the birthing area.

I found out too late that quitting labor was not actually an option and the baby came anyway. I did warn a friend though that was due right behind me and she immediately quit eating until her induced delivery date. Her birthing video was beautiful and she never said "fuuuuuck" or screamed at God once, plus her lipstick made it though until the end.

One divorce and many years later, I remarried. Thus far I have managed through seven years of marriage to my not so new husband to hide any body function I've ever had. I did have to train him though. He had a bizarre habit of standing outside the bathroom door and asking me if I was okay if I was in there for more than five minutes. I had to question him about this curious habit; did he lose a wife or girlfriend once in a restroom? Was there some form of potty trauma that happened in his youth? Was it an obscure military practice? Finally I broke him of this by telling him that when the door was shut it was none of his business what happened behind it, just to assume I am doing some drawn out and private beauty ritual and will emerge when I am done.

But now the silence and mystery are gone.

I got the bubonic plague/strep throat/ stomach virus this week. And every time I thought I was safe to leave the house, I wasn't. I, after many years of colonic discipline and conditioning, lost my cookies so to speak. So apologies are now extended to the following:

My spin instructor who I damn near knocked out of the way last night to run to the locker room. I was back in time to cool down. You think sickness keeps me from my workout?

Anyone who entered that locker room afterward. I ran for my life before anyone could figure out who did it; it is a bonus being physically fit. When I feel better I do plan on writing a comment card out about putting cans of Lysol in every stall and on the restroom counter.

Everyone from Madison to Tallahassee.

Everyone at my gym in Tallahassee. Bless you for the cleaning supplies readily available.

Everyone from Tallahassee to Pinetta. I seriously considered dropping in on a acquaintance in Pinetta, but realized that to poop and run would be quite rude. My home is not too far away and I felt I had violated the great state of Florida enough. I know they have millions of traveling old people everyday that do this, hence the remarkable availability of rest stops (about every 28 to 30 miles), but I really felt it would not be fair to add to the problem anymore today.

Since yesterday I have had miso, bananas, and some lettuce. I would hate to think what a meal might have done. For everyone's restroom peace of mind, I do plan to stay in this evening. If you were planning an evening out in the Greater Valdosta Metropolitan area or surrounding suburbs, you are safe to go out and enjoy yourself knowing I won't be spreading more plague anywhere tonight.

As an afterthought, I do have to do a follow up on the post "The Love Doctor Is In The House". I got an email from S... yesterday thanking me again, but he never heard a word from A... and decided she wasn't interested after all. I did email him back explaining that most women are a little scared of meeting a guy on Craigslist and that perhaps she had no computer to email him with. He agreed with me and decided just to man up and talk to her the next time he stops at her store. You go for it S... and the best of luck to you!

Wide-On Of The Week: Aaron Eckhart

Wide-On noun. A slang phrase referring to a physical manifestation of female desire or attraction.

Ex: "Aaron Eckhart is handsome in a rather vanilla sort of way, but I could get a wide on with him if no one else were available."

He does have all the criteria I look for in a man; he's tall, blonde. light eyes, nordic/anglo saxon/germanic heritage. But yet, I always forget about him five minutes after I see him in anything. Go figure. He's hot in a sort of soccer dad sort of way, catches your eye at the game, and you forget about him until the next match.

This weekend his movie "Love Happens" with Jennifer Anniston, who I must add is his female equivalent, opens in theaters. As cute as they both are, they both lack that "something" that makes it happen for me. However, I do think they are perfectly partnered in this project which looks like something I would rent if everything else were out.

I did try to find a few shirtless pics of Aaron, but I think he's been dressed in a suit for the last decade. So enjoy what I did find:

Now, after looking at these images, close your eyes and try to remember what he looks like.

See? Doesn't really stay with you very long. But enjoy it while it does.

Have a great weekend and keep sending those suggestions for "Wide On" features!

My New 2009 Fall Handbag

Yes, it's exactly what it looks like; a torn up cat's ass. Since her face is obscured by her new head gear, this is Delia--post surgery. We noticed yesterday that she seemed very lethargic and was in noticeable pain when we tried to examine her hindquarters. Turns out that she had a bad bite on her tail area that turned in to an abscess, and then ruptured. Cats are odd creatures that rarely show any signs that they are ill until it's really bad.

Sadly my new 2009 Fall handbag looks exactly like my 2008 version:

This surgery was because of a puncture wound to her side, though we never determined how the puncture happened.

I don't dare tell my BF, as she makes fun of me enough about how much I spend on cat related issues. A few years ago I had a vet that seemed to practice anti-aging cat medicine. I spent more money on one of my cat's teeth in a year than I've ever spent on my child's. Then the same cat developed thyroid problems right after the horrifically expensive gum surgery (it did help his halitosis problem), and at this point was probably between 15 to 17 years old. I had to make the painful decision to vet shop for a vet that would send poor old Nudger to his well deserved kitty reward instead of trying to keep him (expensively) alive forever. The only surgery Nudger hadn't had by the time I found the Dr. Kervorkian of vets was cosmetic surgery, though the gum and dental procedures did enhance his appearance a bit. He was quite handsome for a cat that was over one hundred years of age in feline years.

Delia will be a house kitty from now on, her running around at night with her friend Rosie will have to be curtailed. She's had her fun, it's time to relax into middle aged kittydom. We can keep her happy with cat nip and laser pointers and she can come out on our back porch in the evening if I keep the doors shut. She can sit on my lap in the winter out there while I peruse the new Spring 2010 handbags and dream of actually getting to own one next year, instead of giving my purse fund to the veterinarian.

The Love Doctor Is In The House

I am a frustrated matchmaker, or maybe just a meddler. But somewhere in my world weary soul there is a hopeless romantic. Many years ago, I used to read the personals section in Creative Loafing, which is an Atlanta based weekly paper devoted to arts, literature, music, and events around the city. I would skim through the section and wonder about the people who wrote them. Did they ever meet the one? Did they even get dates? What did they really look like and why were they trying to meet someone through a news paper ad?

I never responded to one because I didn't need any help attracting crazy, I did really well on my own. But I would look at ads and "match make" couples from them, then wonder if they ever met.

So twenty years later I'm still a personals junkie, just online now. Sunday afternoon I was job hunting on Craigslist (huge waste of time, but I had run out of other job boards), when I started looking through the rest of the site. I didn't want to waste time on personals, but I did see a section labeled "Missed Connections" and was immediately intrigued.

Here's what I found:

"Your name is A.... I think, I think thats what you're name tag said. And you're a shift manager....or something like that. I know you don't know me, even if I described myself but I'm a trucker and stop in that J about once or twice a week. I'm always hoping you're working when I go in. I think you are B-E-A utiful! I'm not your typical trucker, I mean I'm not 300 lbs with a handlebar mustache. I'm 32, clean cut, shaved head, goatee (trimmed short), 5'9", good tan, 185 lbs, and I workout three days a week. I would love to know what your story is, are you married? Boyfriend? Anyways, I'd love to talk to you but I don't wanna try and talk to you when I'm in line paying for fuel, I know you're busy. Hopefully you'll read this, if you do, at least write me back to say that you read it even if you're not interested. I'd like to know if these "missed connections" actually work. Hope to talk soon."

Now how in the hell do you think I could let that go unanswered? I've seen "Sleepless in Seattle" and "You've Got Mail", and of course the biggest romantic tear jerker of all time, "An Affair To Remember". What if "A" never reads Craigslist???? She would never, ever know that someone was interested in her and took the time to write something like this. Reading this guy's message, he sounded really nice and thoughtful enough to notice that she was busy at work. Plus he thinks she's beautiful, and that's really sweet. How could I not help two possibly star crossed lovers connect and live happily ever after???

Assuming he wasn't an online stalker or serial killer, or worse.

So I had to meddle. I emailed him:

"Hi Nice Trucker Guy,

I'm not A...., but if you want I will print this out and see if I can get it to her. Is that the Flying J at exit 2? She may not read Craigslist, so may never see it otherwise. I don't know her or anything, just happened across your post and thought it was pretty cool. I met my husband accidentally on line, so yes things do happen like that!

Best of luck!"

And he replied:

"Yes, it is the J at exit 2. Yes, absolutely, I can use all the help I can get. Don't go out of your way or anything, but if you run across her maybe put a bug in her ear. Couldn't hurt right? Anyways, thank you Lisa, I assume your name is Lisa from your e-mail. I'm S....... Thanks again."

Yes, I do hope he's not crazy as it's obvious I have no career in stealth operations. I didn't sign my email, but I forgot it gives you my name when I send one to someone.

So I printed out the original post and our emails back and forth to each other. I drove down to the truck stop today and went over to the fueling desk to find her. She didn't come in until later, so I gave it to the two nice girls that were there and told them the story. They read his post and thought it was really nice too. I put my name and phone number on it so that she could call me if she had any questions or just simply didn't want to answer him directly. You can't be too careful out there, but my gut feelings are that this guy is probably pretty nice. I was disappointed that I didn't get to meet A... in person though so that I could see what she looks like.

Then I emailed S.... to let him know I delivered his post. I hope they meet and everything goes really well.

After all, it is "love bug" season down her in South Georgia and you never know exactly how you might get bit.

Yes, We Actually Are Rednecks.

Yes we are. I've always said that I was two beers away from being a redneck, which means give me two beers and I'll be howling for a band to play "Freebird" and holding up someone's lighter if they do. I'm also not immune to mud bogging, SEC Football, and setting fire to things in my yard just for the sheer thrill of burning a big pile of yard debris and such.


However the Teenager and his friends don't actually need beer to bring out their inner rednecks as the above picture shows. Yes, they do have a friend tied to the golf cart and are surfing him around our yard.

This was right before they almost surfed him into a tree. That would have hurt like hell. In every group of friends there is always the one that the accident or crazy incident happens to; he's that friend in their group. Going back to the post, "G.I. Jew And The Devil Puppies Get Some", this is the friend that got caught the night they were captured during a maneuver at our local watering hole. He just got off of a two month long restriction, so the Puppies were happy to have him back.

There he goes for another spin around the house after that near painful collision.

Life may move slow down here, but it is never dull. And yes, I do keep a well stocked first aid cabinet at all times.

Divas Get It On At Art Of The Catwalk

Just came back from "Demo Days" at my favorite Tallahassee gym, Art of the Catwalk and what a fun day it was! There were all sorts of "mini" classes you could take to see if you liked them plus a great variety of local businesses showed off their services and wares. I'm going to try to give everyone credit here that I talked to, but if I miss you please know that it was unintentional.

First of all I took an amazing high energy zumba class from Doreen Hughes, one of the studio's many gifted instructors. Zumba, for those that haven't tried it, is a fast paced and rhythmic Afro/Latino dance style that incorporates moves from salsa, the mambo, the cha-cha, and every other hip swinging dance style you can think of mixed with a hypnotic African drum beat. It's very sexy and you look sexy when you do it; unlike my attempts at pole dancing, but I haven't quite given up on mastering that yet. I just need the right shoes and they have them at the gym. They actually have a great selection of "stripper" shoes and at prices where you can afford to buy a few pair.

Next I moved on to meet a pretty young woman that was doing body painting, Ayesha Hussain. She did an amazingly beautiful free hand design flower on my inner arm that I love. It should last about ten days or so. Here is a link to her site, Mirage Body Art. She does do body paint parties or individual art work.

Next I went and checked out some of the salons that were offering products and services. I found two that look wonderful, so I'm looking forward to going to visit them soon. Cabello's, which I must mention is having a grand opening party on Wednesday September 23rd from 7-9, offers not only hair and nail services, but also spa services. Checking through their salon packet I saw some wonderful facials and body treatments. I personally plan on doing the body polish and mud body wrap, plus they offer a natural alternative to Botox called Escutox. You can add it to any facial treatment for thirty more dollars and the description sounds interesting. You know I'm all about tightening and lightening without frightening.

Also there was Bernice at Betton Salon and Day Spa, which was funny because I have been "shopping" them online. They also offer a wide variety of facial and body treatments that I'm interested in, so I will be sure to try them as well. They offer some wonderful packages, I really love the "Full Day in Heaven" package, which I have to add is very reasonably priced.

Next of course was jewelry! I left with the most gorgeous golden pearl necklace ever from a company called Belladona's Pearls. Sadly they don't have a website, because the jewelry that they brought was absolutely gorgeous. They had pearls at every price range and every color. They also host "pearl parties" where you can get free pearls or a 20% donation to an organization of your choice. This picture does not show how gorgeous the necklace actually is, the pearls are a deep autumn gold strung on very delicate silver metal cording. Since they don't have a site, I will give you their number: 850-766-0541, plus I will be out tonight at O'Corley's showing off my pearls and watching my friend's band "Little Brown Peach" and hopefully celebrating Georgia's win against South Carolina.

Then it was back to Valdosta and a stop by my favorite sex toy store; An Even Greater Divide. No, I wasn't there for sex toys today. I needed charcoal for my hookah pipe. Yes, though I don't smoke cigarettes, I do occasionally smoke a bowl of Triple Apple or Chocolate tobacco. This store has the greatest staff ever, I always love to come in and shoot the shit with them. Today we got on my favorite subject, "True Blood". One of the girls made the observation that I resemble the character "Maryann Forrester" and what was really weird was that I had actually noticed the same thing a few nights ago watching the show. Anyway, I was flattered. Maryann and I have lots in common, though I don't eat hearts. I did mention I write about the show quite a bit, especially Alexander Skarsgard. Most of my posts about him are over on Mike Alvear's site, which you should check out for the great posts about relationships also. Mike stars on HBO's hit British series "Sex Inspectors", which I would LOVE to have here in the states...hint, hint HBO.

Anyway, it was an eventful Saturday. I have to go nap now and get ready to go out later. Have a great weekend as always and come down to O'Corley's tonight to meet up with me and my cute girlfriends.

Wide-On Of The Week: Hugh Jackman

Wide-On noun. A slang term referring to something or someone that creates a state of arousal in women.


Ex: "I forget to include Hugh Jackman in the "Wide-On" feature every week, but he most certainly gives me a wide on checking out these pictures of him."


Thank you to all the women that have suggested him! I don't notice brunettes as much as blondes, but he popped up yesterday on E!'s played out "30 Best and Worst Beach Bodies" that they show several times a week along with that stupid "Bring It On" movie starring the girl from "Heroes". But I always get sucked into a countdown show, no matter how many times I've already seen it.



When they got to Hugh I realized I had my feature, so enjoy the following pictures of him. He really has gotten better with age.







Enjoy and have a good weekend!